Hi there

[baristajedi]

I hope you stick around.

Maybe you could just tell us about your journey as a gay woman. When did you know you were gay?
Did you think marriage to a man would work for you? How did your husband respond to the news and the break-up? We have a couple (or more) gay men here in straight relationships (marriages, too) who have come out since marrying and now reconsidering. I can't imagine what it would be like.

You did say to ask, so I did.

Hmmm, I'm an open book, so I hope you don't regret asking…

So - it depends what you mean by "know" I'm gay. I had believed I might be gay from age 10, with my first crush on a girl. But I had some traumatic experiences as a kid and I sort of shut down a lot of my emotions in terms of sexuality and so on. I just went through the motions instead, dated boys and didn't really come to a point where I thought about it deeply until around age 18 (although I'd had crushes on girls, had lots of other things that should have made it all really obvious, but as I said I shut down a lot of those emotions anyway).

By the time I started thinking about it again, I thought I was likely bi, because I'd already dated guys. Dating guys was ok, not horrible, but there was always something missing, off. From there I battled with understanding my sexuality, but I continued dating guys, experimenting with women a bit, and eventually getting married and having a kid. By the time I came out I was starting to feel like I was drowning, and losing myself completely in my life path. I was really unhappy in my life, I hated my marriage, I felt empty, like I couldn't even recognise myself, and I couldn't stop thinking about the need to be with a woman. I started thinking that if I were to continue on as is, I would have to drown my feelings in alcohol to get through each day… that's when I knew I needed to make changes in my life.

I came out about 2 years ago, not as gay, but as strongly questioning my sexuality, but finally acknowledged I'm gay about a year ago, and that's when my ex and I decided to separate. The big hesitation in that year's time was, I knew if I acknowledged I'm gay, that was the end of the marriage. It was a struggle but I knew it was absolutely the right thing.

When I came out as questioning (2 years ago) - my ex was worried/nervous but suddenly became the best husband you could want. Suddenly he was mr. supportive, communicating well, being more affectionate, doing more around the house.

BUT…. When I came out as gay, it was totally different. He lost it. He had all this seething anger. We have had to separate very slowly for a lot of logistical reasons, and this has been one hell of a stressful year. The last 2 years honestly have been, because before that I was constantly thinking about how to come to terms with everything.

Just in the last 3 weeks, my ex-husband and I have been becoming like great friends again. We're becoming a real team for our daughter. And he even jokes about the things that have broken up the marriage. It's a huge shift. I couldn't have imagined this 6 months ago.


I can't imagine not having come out. My life has changed dramatically. Even with all the stress and chaos, I feel like a full person finally. I can finally be myself, I can feel real love, I just feel fuller, life has more meaning. I would never go back to the way it was before. But I'm also over my regrets… I have had a good life. I struggled with my sexuality for a lot of reasons, but it's made me who I am. And I have my daughter.