Anti-Depressants

[InbetweenDreams]

Prozac sounds familiar - it might have been the drug.

Could have been that, it was one of the first SSRI's to come to the market. Some of the others came out in the early 90's like this stuff I'm on. I guess while I'm that subject, so far today not too bad. I did wake up for a little bit last night but I was able to fall back asleep. The question is whether I am actually awake more (because we all have periods when we're awake while we sleep, just seldom remember it) or not. The things I would be concerned about is not being able to sleep on this drug....I like my sleep lol. What I can say is that I am finding it easier to get out of bed in the morning and get on with the day. Not feeling sick to my stomach this morning but that seems to peak around 9-10 am. Might have to cut back my coffee consumption, I drank my usual 2-3 cups and damn I was wired, so I looked into it and there does seem to be an interaction of some sort. That's a bit of a bummer. Finally, the main concern is my behavior. I just hope it doesn't change my personality or mute out emotions like Zoloft did.

I think it was a combo of all the things I mentioned that put me in a better place. The exercise thing definitely helped because it gave me a seratonin rush every day which made the depression kinda disappear. There are all kinds of ways to exercise and no "right way" - just what is "right" for you. I started by accident really. In the early 80s everyone I knew started dying of AIDS and I lost almost all of my friends and aquaintances by the time 2000 rolled around. Four of us left that I know of out of maybe 50-60 - plus it didn't help that I worked in a gay nightclub and watched one after the other people I just knew as customers die one by one. THAT was depressing but a different kind of depression - it just added to an inherent depression I already had.

That would be extremely painful to cope with for anyone, with or without depression. I don't know if I would be able to pick myself up dealing with that, especially considering how gay people were treated back then plus everything else.

I started doing primal screaming just to get a release...

I had not heard of primal screaming other than a possible reference in a song. I like to occasionally look at other people's interpretations of songs sometimes. In the song "In A Big Country" the first lyrics are "Come up screaming" at the start of the song and someone's interpretation of that lyric referenced primal screaming.

Obviously I have never done it or even looked into what it is actually (obviously it involves screaming). I'll have to google it.

I have often felt that my emotions are walled off. I avoid, "feeling" things a lot of the time. I don't like things that make me sad or things that are painful. Like I was reluctant to reply over the AIDS stuff, that's fucking hard to live that. I cannot imagine living that and how you and anyone else felt and dealt with it. I really don't have words. Perhaps that's why I watch comedies and such, because I don't want to feel and deal with the "darker" side of the emotional spectrum. I don't know how to really deal with "painful" things, I just bottle it up and press on. Just can't deal with the feeling of losing control. Hopefully I'm making sense and not coming off like a cunt...

... and at the same time I would go on Sunday morning at 6 AM to San Francisco and dance all day until maybe 9 PM to release the stress and a side effect was the seratonin. I would get soaking wet every Sunday and just dry off in my car and go to the next club so it was an accidental side effect that my depression started to slowly subside. I also found i needed a "fix" so I went to jazzercize the rest of the week twice a day for two hours each day and unbeknownst to me at the time I was getting a seratonin fix because when I quit I felt the depression again so I made sure since then to always have an exercise plan and gym membership whether it is walking or running or treadmill or jump rope ect ect. 

I don't know how the hell you did all that. All I can say is that you must have been really good shape. I do recall back when I was running all the time I did get the runners high when I started increasing distances, especially after I got past the 5 mile mark. In reality, I think I was pushing myself too hard too fast. I would like to get back into that. I was trying to get up to the point where I could participate in a half marathon but never quite got up to that mileage. I think the most I had done at one time was 8 miles. Right now, I probably couldn't run 1/2 mile lol.

One thing about dancing. Not sure why exactly, maybe it's something to do with the above or maybe it is to do with my social anxiety problem, but I have a terrible fear of dancing, period. Won't do it in private, won't do it in private with someone and damn sure as hell ain't doing it in public. Maybe it's a phobia of some sort, but I just can't and refuse to do it. At the same time, yes, I would like to get over that but the though of it is shrieking to me.

I had a very good therapist who helped me for years and taught me how o help myself - I have never used an online therapist but I would expect that it might be a good option - finding the right one for you is important which actually might be easier online since you can see the options whereas looking for the right one in person might take alot longer.

That might be an option if this medication doesn't help. I do think it is doing something but I'm only on dose #4 and it won't be until next month before the verdict comes in on that. So we'll see.