10-10-2010, 12:53 PM
I can't add much to what my man has already said, but I don't suppose that will stop me trying ... Don't listen to the people who will tell you that gay relationships cannot be monogamous and happy, because they can.
I was the one out of the two of us who had, shall we say, a more "adventurous" history and being in the throes of dealing with the unpleasant breakup of a decades-long term relationship I sure as hell wasn't looking to get myself into another one. I imagined that once out of my marriage I would try and have the teenage years I never experienced, but that's not how it worked out. PA, who had been an online friend for several months (although we had already enjoyed a very short weekend together four months previously), offered me a break from the mess and it became clear that there could be something more there for me. What I value more than anything else is that he has never attempted to own me or dictate what I do. His only request is that if I see someone else, I don't do anything to put his health at risk. In well over seven years I haven't wanted to be with anyone else and, truthfully, no one is more surprised about that than I am. I must admit I really rather like being able to commit to someone I love and care about so much. I suppose it may help that I cannot imagine sex with anyone else could be any better than it is with him :redface: Why on earth would I want to look elsewhere?
For the first couple of years, our times together were sporadic. I would often come back to England not knowing when I would see him again. That was actually quite gut-wrenching. I could just move to France, I suppose (and I expect it will happen one day), but I still get quite a kick out of the work I do and what I do best seems to be more available to me in England than in France or Switzerland (a few minutes away over the border). I was, however, able to make a decision that probably only the self-employed can take although clearly there is a financial implication of making oneself unavailable for work for, in my case, more than 25% of the year. I block out the second week of every month, so I can be in France with PA and on top of that I go at other times when I can afford an extra journey and when I don't have any paid work. Since part of what I do as a musician is composition and arrangement I can do that anywhere I have my manuscript book and laptop. That means that we sometimes have more intense periods of time together than many couples who live in the same place. If we can come to the end of a six-week period of being together 24-7 and still don't want to part I think there is probably something quite solid there. We've met people who can't wait to get to the end of a week away with their best mates sometimes
I think there are keys to this kind of relationship. I think most of it is to do with respect. The other person has a life already and has nothing to prove. I love my man for who he is, not for who I think I want him to be. He does not belong to me and is free to do what he wishes with his body. I celebrate that he chooses me to be the man to enjoy it with though and I'm not denying that I would find it difficult, specially after all these years, if he did go with someone else. However, I am in no doubt at all that he loves me and I do not fear losing him any time in the near future. He reaffirms his love with almost daily (usually several times daily ) messages. I think he knows how I feel about him too.
Seven years in and I still smile all the way through when I think about him and a tear still comes to my eye when I think about how much I love him (or when I write a soppy message like this one).
That initial period when you can't stop thinking about someone is very exciting. The first five years of our relationship were like that and it was like a five-year honeymoon for me. Couples who spend more time together don't have that privilege. They arrive at that more settled and deeper phase far sooner than I think we did. Two months into a relationship is hardly any time at all. It is not time enough to change already established habits and thought processes to accommodate another person. Being lovestruck is perfectly normal and pretty exciting. To make this work you may find you have to think more about how you make it work. Talk, talk and talk. Work out how you both feel and what you both need. Recognise that nothing is set in concrete and that thoughts and feelings do change, so you just talk, talk and talk some more. I think that would probably work for most relationships. In a long-distance one you just have to be a bit more organised and make plans to be together. My plan for tomorrow is drive into town to leave my car with friends, walk to the station and catch the train to King's Cross, walk to St Pancras and catch a train to Luton, catch the bus to the airport and an aeroplane to Geneva to meet PA who will have borrowed a car to collect me. On days when a car is not available, then my journey involves another train, a tram and then a bus into France. I've done the whole journey door-to-door in just over seven hours before, but it normally takes between nine and ten hours.
Good luck, have fun and enjoy your new relationship for as long as you can.
I was the one out of the two of us who had, shall we say, a more "adventurous" history and being in the throes of dealing with the unpleasant breakup of a decades-long term relationship I sure as hell wasn't looking to get myself into another one. I imagined that once out of my marriage I would try and have the teenage years I never experienced, but that's not how it worked out. PA, who had been an online friend for several months (although we had already enjoyed a very short weekend together four months previously), offered me a break from the mess and it became clear that there could be something more there for me. What I value more than anything else is that he has never attempted to own me or dictate what I do. His only request is that if I see someone else, I don't do anything to put his health at risk. In well over seven years I haven't wanted to be with anyone else and, truthfully, no one is more surprised about that than I am. I must admit I really rather like being able to commit to someone I love and care about so much. I suppose it may help that I cannot imagine sex with anyone else could be any better than it is with him :redface: Why on earth would I want to look elsewhere?
For the first couple of years, our times together were sporadic. I would often come back to England not knowing when I would see him again. That was actually quite gut-wrenching. I could just move to France, I suppose (and I expect it will happen one day), but I still get quite a kick out of the work I do and what I do best seems to be more available to me in England than in France or Switzerland (a few minutes away over the border). I was, however, able to make a decision that probably only the self-employed can take although clearly there is a financial implication of making oneself unavailable for work for, in my case, more than 25% of the year. I block out the second week of every month, so I can be in France with PA and on top of that I go at other times when I can afford an extra journey and when I don't have any paid work. Since part of what I do as a musician is composition and arrangement I can do that anywhere I have my manuscript book and laptop. That means that we sometimes have more intense periods of time together than many couples who live in the same place. If we can come to the end of a six-week period of being together 24-7 and still don't want to part I think there is probably something quite solid there. We've met people who can't wait to get to the end of a week away with their best mates sometimes
I think there are keys to this kind of relationship. I think most of it is to do with respect. The other person has a life already and has nothing to prove. I love my man for who he is, not for who I think I want him to be. He does not belong to me and is free to do what he wishes with his body. I celebrate that he chooses me to be the man to enjoy it with though and I'm not denying that I would find it difficult, specially after all these years, if he did go with someone else. However, I am in no doubt at all that he loves me and I do not fear losing him any time in the near future. He reaffirms his love with almost daily (usually several times daily
) messages. I think he knows how I feel about him too.Seven years in and I still smile all the way through when I think about him and a tear still comes to my eye when I think about how much I love him (or when I write a soppy message like this one).
That initial period when you can't stop thinking about someone is very exciting. The first five years of our relationship were like that and it was like a five-year honeymoon for me. Couples who spend more time together don't have that privilege. They arrive at that more settled and deeper phase far sooner than I think we did. Two months into a relationship is hardly any time at all. It is not time enough to change already established habits and thought processes to accommodate another person. Being lovestruck is perfectly normal and pretty exciting. To make this work you may find you have to think more about how you make it work. Talk, talk and talk. Work out how you both feel and what you both need. Recognise that nothing is set in concrete and that thoughts and feelings do change, so you just talk, talk and talk some more. I think that would probably work for most relationships. In a long-distance one you just have to be a bit more organised and make plans to be together. My plan for tomorrow is drive into town to leave my car with friends, walk to the station and catch the train to King's Cross, walk to St Pancras and catch a train to Luton, catch the bus to the airport and an aeroplane to Geneva to meet PA who will have borrowed a car to collect me. On days when a car is not available, then my journey involves another train, a tram and then a bus into France. I've done the whole journey door-to-door in just over seven hours before, but it normally takes between nine and ten hours.
Good luck, have fun and enjoy your new relationship for as long as you can.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
