Does anyone else feel this?

[colinmackay]

I recently read a book called The Velvet Rage (I seem to be using that a lot recently, but it really opened my eyes a lot about a number of things). One of thing things it suggests is that in a gay man's formative years (childhood to teenage years) they will receive various validating signals from society (and in particular their parents). These signals include things like conversations about relationships (m-f), the way your parents interact with one another (again a m-f relationship) and so on. The gay man grows up knowing that m-f relationships receive validation. There is very little in the way of validating signals for m-m relationships (at least not sexual ones - maybe the macho butch lets beat ten-bells of crap out of each other on a rugby park kind).

Anyway, this lack of validation means that gay men can feel bad about themselves when they think about other men sexually or act upon those urges.

However, you still go back for more? Why? Because you do receive validation during the act because there is another man who is validating your feelings. But somehow (and this is part of the book I don't yet understand) this is not fully "authentic" validation. I think that is due to the ephemeral nature of the relationship.

I am not sure how to get past that stage. I don't have these feelings and I think that the point in my life in which I did, I was also suppressing so much other stuff that I wasn't aware of it. At some point you will come to an acceptance (and I have no idea how you get there - for me it was just an increadibly open friend who shared so much with me that it just helped me overcome a lot of things without really knowing it was happening)

I hope this helps you understand your situation a little better. Sorry I cannot be of more help. Hopefully, it will give you enough for you to see the clues in your own life in order to take control again.