Gay History, One Man's Memory

[Dat]

Very interesting thanks for posting.

I have one comment, you seem to care more about the principle of equality than the actual rights that come with marriage. In Britain, my boyfriend and I are planning are Civil Partnership which is in practice closer to equality than marriage recognised by State but not Federal Government. I am glad that gay advocates were reasonable, behaved respectably and were pragmatic, they made (some of) the 'do-gooders' our allies rather than rejecting them.

Just my thoughts....

Agreed. To a point. Please show me where my words gave you the impression the principle was more important than equal rights. If anything, I see them as equally important. It was not my intention to imply we made enemies of the do-gooders. In fact, I thought my words would give the opposite impression.

I hadn't planned on this turning into a debate, but as you asked, I do believe there are principles and dare I say, integrity when you talk about equality. I don't see how you can ever have equality without principles. I don't believe anyone should bow and be grateful because you've been given a little something to shut you up. Unless a little something is all you're interested in. If you don't need the big picture and have no need to see your family validated and deemed as good as anyone else. Than by all means, be happy.

The entire principle of this movement is that homosexuals are just as valid as heterosexuals. They are entitled to the same rights as heterosexuals. They should not be required to take what they can get and then be grateful about it. The requirement is equality. Not separatism.

Maybe in Britain your civil partnerships come with the exact same rights as marriage. Ours do not. Even if I lived in Britain I wouldn't settle for separate but equal. That just doesn't work for me. Civil unions that grant the same rights as marriages? Sounds like a good start. My question is will you have to show your civil union papers in situations where showing a marriage license is not required? Something like buying a home together. Something like adopting a child together. I have no clue how it works there and I am really curious.

I personally would have no issue if the word 'marriage' was done away with all together and everyone had civil unions/partnerships. After all, it is a license you can only get through the government. My point is, equality for all. You don't get to have marriage with 'special' rights while we get civil unions/domestic partnerships with 1,000 or more less rights. You don't get to keep us as 2nd class citizens by pretending you've done something generous for the little homosexuals.

From what you stated it sounds like civil partnerships will have the same rights as marriage. Everyone would still be equal. It sounds to me, and correct me if I'm wrong, that you have decided to settle. I have never looked up civil partnerships in Britain. I'll put it on my to do list. I just thought the British were a little more progressive. Other countries allow gays to marry and call it marriage. Why is the name different in Britain if not to call attention to your lack of worthiness? Or was it done to appease the heteros and allow them to still feel superior? It certainly doesn't matter to me what Britain does regarding this issue. If you are happy having the same rights regardless of the name, I'm happy for you.

In this country, as gay men and lesbian women we have two options. A civil union, which is available in a handful of states. We also have domestic partnerships that are more widely recognized. Neither of those come close to providing the benefits that marriage does.

My partner and I had a civil union. That civil union is not transferable from state to state like marriage is. So the civil union we received in Vermont would not be accepted in Nevada. Now Nevada has domestic partnership, so you move to Nevada and now apply for domestic partnership. You then move Arizona where neither a domestic partnership or civil union are accepted.

Let's talk a little about what domestic partnership and civil unions give us in the US. That's where it becomes interesting! When you take the pretty name away and actually look at it. There are multiple documents required to live safely and protect your family. .

Let's talk health care.
You will need a medical power of attorney to make medical decisions for your partner. Sometimes a normal power of attorney works with a rider. But that can be contested by the family. This typically costs around four to six hundred dollars per person. I believe we paid a little over $1100 dollars for ours. I believe that privilege is free with marriage?

How about children.
A partner can get what is called guardianship for their partners child or a child they adopted. If you have guardianship it is basically thrown in the trash if your partner dies. It really means nothing when you really need it. You can and will lose you child(s) with or without guardianship. That document is relatively inexpensive. It's around 4 bills. Of course with marriage, it's free. There really isn't even a question. While both of you are alive it's a pretty decent document. It allows both partners to make medical decisions and both partners to have access to school records, etc.. It offers a few other gimmes as well, I just can't remember now what they were. Yeah, we had one of those too. Our daughter is now 32 years old and I couldn't be prouder of her and the life she has made for herself.

There is something relatively new here. By that I mean it wasn't around when we were raising our daughter. It's been quite awhile since I've had to worry about protecting my child from hateful family members or society in general.

It's a document called parentage. It only costs around $5,000 dollars. I will say parentage is a much better document than guardianship as it provides additional protections. Unfortunately this document isn't foolproof either. Guess what is foolproof? Marriage. This little benefit even comes free with a marriage license.

Finances:
You should also have a co-habitation document. No one expects their civil union or domestic partnership to end, but sadly they do. My partner was a stay at home parent and spouse. This document gave him some financial protection in the event we decided not to stay together. He would have no right to any monies accrued during the marriage. You basically decide up front what a fair settlement will be should the relationship dissolve. Every few years as net worth increases it needs to be revisited. I don't even remember what that cost us. I do remember updating it several times over that 15 year span. Of course this document is not foolproof either. I think it really depends on how amicable the split is. You know what is foolproof and gives complete financial protection? Marriage. In fact with marriage you don't even need this document. This right comes free with the license.

Then there is the durable power of attorney. This document allows you to take financial responsibility for your partner should he become temporarily or permanently incapacitated. This was about $500 dollars each. Again, it comes free with marriage.

Let's talk about the joint tenancy agreement. This is the document that allows you to purchase a home or other property together. It also allows you to legally hold bank accounts together. Without this document a sharing of a bank account is not legal and in the event of a death, family can move in and take whatever is in the account. This document is also suppose to allow the property to pass to the survivor should something happen to you. Doesn't always work. Again, not foolproof. This document comes in at the low low cost of a mere $1500. However it does come free with marriage should you choose to go that route! And with marriage, unlike civil unions or domestic partnership it will always be treated with respect and never ignored.

There was also another document we had. I think it was a rider attached to our wills. It's not in the folder I'm looking at with all these other documents so I'm thinking the mortuary must have kept it. It was a document that actually gave us permission to make funeral arrangements in the event one of us died. That was cheap too. I think just a couple hundred bucks a piece. So let's just say $400 and leave it at that. Oh, did I forget to mention it comes free with marriage?

The one thing you need to remember is if there are any changes to civil laws, chances are you'll need to redo some or all of these papers. You get to pay the cost all over again. The slightest change can render your documents useless. A marriage license is never rendered useless when civil laws are changed. Rather nice perk wouldn't you say?

So let's see. There is a marriage license that I believe is about 30 bucks a pop and never has to be renewed. Then there are civil union/domestic partnership which costs in the thousands and will need to be renewed several times over a lifetime.

All of these documents gay men and lesbian women gladly pay because they are under the misguided assumption they will protect your family. Actually they are better than nothing.

These are just the things the US gives to homosexuals at cost. With the hope that we'll take our civil unions, domestic partnerships and just shut up and go about our business. Sounds pretty equal to me.

I won't bore you with the details, but these documents that we spent thousands of dollars on, and I do mean thousands, failed us miserably.

I wasn't allowed in a hospital room when my partner was recovering from lung cancer and was in ICU. His family didn't want me there. I had to fight them in court for that 'privilege'. A slight change in civil law rendered my power of attorney useless. Not only would they not allow me to make medical decisions for him, they wouldn't even let me in the room to hold his hand no matter how many times he asked or how much I pleaded. So as you see, our domestic partnership and our civil union did incredible things for us. Just not positive things.

Even when you think you have done everything properly to protect your family, you sometimes find out you're wrong. Thousands of dollars and your family still isn't protected. I'll take that 30 dollar marriage license any day secure in the knowledge that my family is safe.

That civil union did not prevent the police from treating me like garbage when I found my partner floating face down in our pool. An accident in case you're wondering. That civil union did not prevent the police from disrespecting me, my home or my partner. It didn't stop them from ransacking our home looking for drugs. The police wouldn't even look at my documents. They told me I would not be able to take possession of my partners body nor plan his funeral the way he and I had discussed. They even refused to leave our home until they spoke to a "family" member. We were together for 15 years with a domestic partnership and a civil union, but we still were not recognized as family under the law. Thankfully the mortuary had no problem accepting the documentation I supplied and I was able to do for my partner what I knew he wanted.

It's hard enough to figure out how you're going to live the rest of your life without him. How you're going to be able to go to sleep tonight without him holding you and without the sound of his snoring that always irritated you so much. It's hard enough to try and figure out what you're going to do when you wake up in the morning. Now add onto it the horrible horrible sickening feeling that you may be able to perform this last act of love for your partner. Trust me, it's something you never get over.

So no, I personally will not settle for civil unions. They don't work. People will never take civil unions seriously. They will always be something they gave the fags to shut them up.

Oh your married? Come on in!
Oh you have a civil union? May I see your papers please?

Yep sounds pretty equal to me.