01-16-2011, 03:34 PM
Hello Jav and 
to GaySpeak... I understand that being gay in Bradford may not be the easiest. I'd suggest, one day, that you move out, if you can, to a place that is more accepting.
About your relationship, I'd like to add to the necessity of discussing it with your boyfriend, the fact that since you are looking for advice, you might also be ready to try new things and different things.
A few questions for you then: (and you can also ask your boyfriend how he feels about these)
* When you have sex, do you always end up doing it the same way? Is that way a way that reflects the way women are used in sex? (does it therefore give him a sense of being used, or of being less worthy) ... I'm thinking here that you might both have oriental views on this point, but not sure if that's the case.
* I'm understanding that he likes bottoming but doesn't like to feel like a woman about it. How does bottoming ressemble in any way being a woman? Anal sex is something that is ultimately unisex, ie, both men and women could enjoy it (or hate it). The fact that we can't procreate and don't have a vagina or uterus can never equate with being a woman.
* Do you, or does he have any hangups about anal sex, despite the fact that you both enjoy your roles in topping and bottoming? Are there any unresolved feelings of guilt or shame, or disgust?
* You say that you are both straight acting so I'm going to assume that you both have a way of behaving in society that is recognised as "manly". Could it be that as he accepts to bottom in your relationship, he fears it may rub off on him, or might expose some of his feminine traits or characteristics? Which ones? Is he afraid of being seen as the "woman" in your couple, if people find out?
* I don't know if you two (or either of you) enjoy watching porn, but I'd suggest that you both show each other the kind of porn that you enjoy (if that is the case) and that you identify what you personally see as being manly rather than womanly in gay porn / in straight porn.... It might help to look at these issues in a non gender-specific way or to categorise types of sex / positions into too feminine, or manly etc... Maybe you need to leave out the tenderness (what Fenris was suggesting), and rough it up, but ultimately you will both only be successful in being the real YOUs, so there's no point in buffing it up if it's not going to work in the long run. The point is that variety in the way you have sex may be key to improvement, and I think you've already considered this.
The fact that we are gay also gives us the opportunity not to live up to stereotypes if we choose not to, so you ought also to think about what can be specific to your relationship for it to work, not what you think society would expect of you. This is a very private, intimate matter, I believe. It's about how far you can go with him in your intimate dealings and how far he can go with you. So, last question:
* What would you be ready to do with him, that would be part of his fantasies, to please him, even if it's not (yet) really your thing? I mean by that, would you be ready to reconsider bottoming for him because he's him and not somebody else? ... You may have found the experience unpleasant or gruelling before, but were you in the right type of relationship to do it then? Are you in the right type of relationship for it now? You may change your feelings about this. I think it would be worth exploring.
In any case, good luck with finding that understanding and improving your relationship.
to GaySpeak... I understand that being gay in Bradford may not be the easiest. I'd suggest, one day, that you move out, if you can, to a place that is more accepting. About your relationship, I'd like to add to the necessity of discussing it with your boyfriend, the fact that since you are looking for advice, you might also be ready to try new things and different things.
A few questions for you then: (and you can also ask your boyfriend how he feels about these)
* When you have sex, do you always end up doing it the same way? Is that way a way that reflects the way women are used in sex? (does it therefore give him a sense of being used, or of being less worthy) ... I'm thinking here that you might both have oriental views on this point, but not sure if that's the case.
* I'm understanding that he likes bottoming but doesn't like to feel like a woman about it. How does bottoming ressemble in any way being a woman? Anal sex is something that is ultimately unisex, ie, both men and women could enjoy it (or hate it). The fact that we can't procreate and don't have a vagina or uterus can never equate with being a woman.
* Do you, or does he have any hangups about anal sex, despite the fact that you both enjoy your roles in topping and bottoming? Are there any unresolved feelings of guilt or shame, or disgust?
* You say that you are both straight acting so I'm going to assume that you both have a way of behaving in society that is recognised as "manly". Could it be that as he accepts to bottom in your relationship, he fears it may rub off on him, or might expose some of his feminine traits or characteristics? Which ones? Is he afraid of being seen as the "woman" in your couple, if people find out?
* I don't know if you two (or either of you) enjoy watching porn, but I'd suggest that you both show each other the kind of porn that you enjoy (if that is the case) and that you identify what you personally see as being manly rather than womanly in gay porn / in straight porn.... It might help to look at these issues in a non gender-specific way or to categorise types of sex / positions into too feminine, or manly etc... Maybe you need to leave out the tenderness (what Fenris was suggesting), and rough it up, but ultimately you will both only be successful in being the real YOUs, so there's no point in buffing it up if it's not going to work in the long run. The point is that variety in the way you have sex may be key to improvement, and I think you've already considered this.
The fact that we are gay also gives us the opportunity not to live up to stereotypes if we choose not to, so you ought also to think about what can be specific to your relationship for it to work, not what you think society would expect of you. This is a very private, intimate matter, I believe. It's about how far you can go with him in your intimate dealings and how far he can go with you. So, last question:
* What would you be ready to do with him, that would be part of his fantasies, to please him, even if it's not (yet) really your thing? I mean by that, would you be ready to reconsider bottoming for him because he's him and not somebody else? ... You may have found the experience unpleasant or gruelling before, but were you in the right type of relationship to do it then? Are you in the right type of relationship for it now? You may change your feelings about this. I think it would be worth exploring.
In any case, good luck with finding that understanding and improving your relationship.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
