Sincerely need advice on where I stand sexually (very long)

[colinmackay]

Hello. My name is Nick. I am a 27 year old man (which may be kind of old to be having sex identity issues), and I have lead a more-or-less hetero life. I've always known my sexuality wasn't 100% straight, but for my own mental well-being, I want to figure where my sexuality lies.

It isn't old at all (although I thought the same). I was 34 when I finally admitted to myself I was gay and 35 when I came out to a friend. Other people do so at a much older age, sometimes far into retirement.

Like you I lead the hetero life but I was miserable. I also tried the getting married and settling down thing (which just ended up being a complete disaster, both financially and emotionally)

I never really found men attractive in a conventional sense; I wouldn't look at a man and think “Oh my god he's hot!” or get an erection or anything, but I was still noticing them, even if it was subconscious. I suppose I found women attractive, but I was never obsessed with their looks; I always loved the person rather than the body. I found them aesthetically pleasing, but when it came to sex, the bodies didn't really matter. Breasts were nice to look at, but playing with them never really excited me. I didn't care much about a girl's butt, and I couldn't really care less about what a vagina looked like. Fantasizing about women wasn't bad, but it never got me hard without some visual aid. Fantasizing about men was a different thing; I never thought about kissing them, but fantasizing about other things was very exciting. In my fantasies, nothing excited me more than a penis. For most of my life, however, it was no more than a fantasy.

Again, I can relate to that. Until I accepted myself I could never really see a guy in the street and think he was hot. Somehow, now, I can. And I had similar thoughts with my fantasies too.

Finally, a few years ago, I decided to act on my curiosity and have sex with another man. I met this nice guy who was also bi-curious, and after talking for a while, we went to a hotel to have our first homosexual experience. Now, I never thought much about kissing a guy, but once we got into it, I was all over him (and him me). I surprised myself how much I was into it. I nearly had an orgasm from just having him inside me. It was definitely an intense experience. However, after it was over, I felt... ashamed. My mind was flooded with thoughts like “what are you doing?” “You're not gay.” for I learned at an early age that homosexuality was shameful. I grew up in a place where even though people tolerated homosexuality, it was easy to tell that they hated it, so I learned from my community, my peers, and my parents, that it was wrong.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I can understand why you feel that way, I've felt that way too.

Again, I've been around people who I've always felt tolerated (although not necessarily liked) gay people. Negative things were said that could have been about anyone, but the word gay got attached (for no readily apparent reason) and I learned to think negatively about it. And, if they've claimed otherwise, simply have not seen (or cannot see) how harmful their words are (even if the subtle differences are undetectable to them)

That confused me because I couldn't rationally think about my experience. I couldn't tell if I really enjoyed it or not. I eventually thought “okay, I had my gay experience, now to get back to my life.” But fantasies and thoughts about men came back. About a year after my first experience, I ended up having sex with another man. This time, it was a friend of mind who... kinda seduced me when I visited him (I made no effort to resist). This time, after it was done, I became unable to sleep. I was shuddering, and giggling like a little girl the whole night remembering how intense it was and how good it felt.

I love nights like that where I (and my fiancé) end up giggling for ages. I've no idea why, it just seems an overwhelming feeling of pleasure and good feelings.

So there it is. Could I be gay if I have more of a psychological need to be with a guy than a physical one? Would I be acting too rashly if I were to start identifying myself as gay? I'm still not totally sure where I stand sexually. Sorry for the very long post, but I sincerely want input from people who may understand my feelings. Thank you very much.

Only you can answer the question about whether you are gay or not, or should start identifying as gay. All I feel I can do is show you that what you are feeling is normal and that there are others like you.

If you don't feel particularly turned on my women then I don't see why you must have a physical need to be with a man. A psychological need (for companionship) with a man is enough. Some couples have a high sex drive, some low or non-existent. In the long term I don't think sex (if that's what you mean by the physical need) is the most important factor.

I hope I've helped in some way.