Up and Down

[LateBloomer]

I came out of the closet when I was 22 years old and it was after serving 3 years in the Army and I was close to getting married but just couldn't live that lie so I just ended up coming out to her and then eventually the rest of my family. I dated for like 6 years and then after my last boyfriend cheated on me I just pretty much called it quits with dating and all that. I am now 37 years old and have been single for like 9 years or so and I haven't been with anyone sexually as well. I think I may have fooled around a few times actually but it really must not meant that much because I can't remember if I have or haven't.

Yet once in awhile the desire to be with another guy will come along and I want so badly to just hook up with someone and have sex. Then part of me whimps out and doesn't do it and I end up just going to x tube or somewhere like that and jerking off to gay porn and then I am good for another brief time until the next time I feel like that again. I guess part of me fears that maybe I won't get aroused when I am in bed with another guy because it has been so long and then that guy will think that I am not attracted to him and not enjoying it. Then on the flipside I want to say something before we hook up then I think he won't be interested.

I mean I watch the gay porn and I think about how much I enjoyed being a bottom in the past and how I also enjoyed being a top as well. Yet most of my feelings gravitate towards being a bottom and having a guys cock inside of me, yet I haven't had a guy inside me in such a long time that I would need to be trained to get back into being able to take a guy again. I have a dildo and use it at times but thats not the real thing. I love who and what I am attracted to but I guess I just have a fear that I won't be able to step up to the plate and be able to perform like I used to when I was with boyfriends years and years ago.

Any advice is greatly appreciated

Whoa, one step at a time.

You're doing the same thing I was doing as an anxious 35 y/o virgin... Imagining the entire event before you even have a date.

Just get a date first, then go slow. If he won't go slow, find someone else.

Things never work out the way we imagine them in our heads.

Nothing wrong with hook ups to get back in the game, Just be honest about you're after.

Good luck.