Up and Down

[Jason74]

I actually have forgiven him a long time ago and to be honest we were just drifting apart anyway so I guess I just basically opened the door for him to cheat while we were still together. I am not one to hold anything against anyone and I just think that in the relationships that I have had there was a mix of things that I just felt I didn't have when I was solo. Like in general before I came out I liked to do things on my own and was always so used to it. So when I had boyfriends that would get insecure when I wanted alone time that just made me not want to be in a relationship.

I guess I have more history than just being cheated on and I am not angry at him or have any negative views towards him at all, he was a great guy and still is. I mean things happen for a reason. I guess I feel like that there is that person that is right for me and I just haven't met them yet and maybe someday I will. I think I just get really horny sometimes and will look on craigslist and see what is out there when it comes to quick sex with guys and nothing looks interesting to me at all.

I mean don't get me wrong some of the postings are very erotic and get me going, yet I feel like that I am basically just looking to get off so why should I go hook up to do that? I am not sure if that makes much sense at all. I think the whole looks thing come into play as well, guys want to hook up with attractive guys and sometimes I feel like that is rather shallow. I mean they wouldn't be interested in me if I was 400lbs and had a horn sticking from my forehead, lol. I don't know my emotions and feelings are all over the board these days.

I think that at times I would love to just cuddle with a guy and just have a relationship and other times I don't because I know he would freak out if I wanted to be alone and think I was cheating on him when I wouldn't be.