Was there a moment you realized that you were gay?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I had only an intellectual interest in the females of the species.

While I did date in high school a nice gal by the name of Melisa, she was a 'good girl', never into kissing and touching and Lord forbid sex until marriage. She was the perfect girl for a guy who had no interest in boobies what so ever.

I was so far in the closet that I most likely didn't even look at guys either. Its hard to recall exactly how I felt about the male gender. I think with a little loathing and fear.

My brother exploded out of the closet when I was 12 (he was 16) and that didn't end well. He went from high-school jock to 110% nelly queen over night, from 'butch' to lisping, limp-wristed, finger snapping. My mother didn't take it well, she kicked him out of the house. He ended up being a male prostitute in L.A., this is where he would later get HIV, that turned to aids. In 1980/81 (He was only 18 when he was diagnosed).

Since I didn't feel like lisping, or snapping my fingers or wearing short- shorts, I knew I couldn't be 'gay'. Unfortunately my knowledge on what being gay is, was very limited to the stereotypes instilled into me.

I took my lack of 'interest' in females to mean I was naturally celibate, which was one of the reasons why I was attracted to the whole notion of being part of the Clergy. My interest went so far as to seriously contemplate joining the Brotherhood of St. Francis Friars - who take a vow of obedience, poverty and celibacy - all three I had no problem with.

It wasn't until I was 24, after seminary, working my 3 years of ministry and doing 'missionary work' to the City of Gomorrah (Las Vegas) I also lived and worked and did missionary work in Sodom (San Francisco) during my seminary days in Bezerkly (Berkley) in one of those posh hotels in Downtown Gomorrah where they rented rooms by the hour that I discovered I are gay.

That discovery came in the form of Robert - the 'night maintenance man'. That was the title, the actual job entailed carrying a big stick and walking through the halls and when a 'guest' was screaming he would go into the room and 'fix' the john with a baseball bat....

I worked the front desk - a right opportune place for me to do missionary work, reaching out to the sick in spirit, being a guiding light to the unwashed masses .

Anyways, he took a fancy to me and slowly convinced me that we would make a nice team. It took about six months for him to get me to go to his room for 'a beer'....

I had been exposed to the Gay in Sodom (San Francisco), I lived at the San Damiano Friary on Delores St, which was about 5 blocks from the infamous Castro Street. Brother James, my 'sponsor' and 'mentor' would take me to Castro Street, Folsom Street and Polk Street to do 'out reach' to gay 'boys' - usually looking for hustlers, teenagers who were forced on the street and turning tricks to survive. We would try to help them, try to get them hooked up with outreach programs and financial aide and the like.

We also passed out billions of condoms and pamphlets on HIV and the like - this was in the 80's when HIV/AIDS was taking a huge toll and Government wasn't interested in education folk.

In Gomorrah, (Las Vegas) I was sent to minister to the sick, I served in a hospice-like environment. Basically the terminally ill were sent home to die. We delivered food (sort of meals on wheels) and did things like get their medications, visit with them offering them "spiritual consultation" - again this was in the 80's when a lot of young men were dying from the plague.

I most likely did not 'relate' to homosexuality because I was more or less exposed to the 'dark side' of 'being gay' - the sick in spirit, the sick in body, those forced to turn tricks in order to survive.

When Robert started coaxing me out of my closet I had a real conflict of the spirit, I sent many letters to my mentor (Brother James) who finally confessed to me that he had a fancy for me as well, then went on to list many of the other brothers who had the dalliance on the side.

For me the issue was not so much 'Am I gay?' the impact was what being gay meant to my then set goals in life were. I was already losing my faith in organized religion, a few years of seminary and being exposed to the politics of the Anglican and Catholic Churches was a real revelation, The 'confession' of Brother James and the detailed reports of how many of the trusted, revered men in my life who were so willing to break vows was sort of the final straw to break the back of my 'religious convictions'.

I decided that yes I was gay. No, I could not in faith take Vows, no I could not serve an Organized Religion with as many issues and hidden problems and down right lies that it had. I decided to come out of the closet BEFORE I had 'beers' with Robert.

To me it was an honor thing. I was in love in Robert (almost from the moment we met). the whole struggle with my sexuality was one of intellectual and spiritual pride more than acknowledging the possibility of my being 'gay'. I had that "Eureka Moment" about two weeks into Robert coaxing me out of the closet. It suddenly made sense why I was not attracted to the females of the species. My Issues surrounded my dedication to 'The Church'. Mind I had a strong faith in 'The Church' - I lacked faith in God. My Bad.