Tell Me Why Do You Love Yourself and What Makes You Special

[Jay]

This is actually a really hard question for me to answer, not because it is awkward or I want to keep a secret, but it just feel like the answer is impossible for me to come to...absolutely.

As a teenager I was alienated becuase of my sexuality, I was ostracised, bullied and abused to the point I almost commit suicide, BUT i don't remember feeling depressed. I was happy with my very small social circle, I just didn't accept that I was treated so badly.

In my late teens and early twenties I had a lot of trouble finding work mostly because I was isolated through my teens and had bad social skills, I was painfully shy, but if someone took the time I would come out of my shell.

I don't exactly put this down to esteem or confidence issues, I put it down to trust issues, I simply had not learned how to deal with people that I did not trust.

To this day I do not trust, not easily anyway. I'm suspiscious of peoples motivations, but I have learned to deal with it in a way that I can socialise and eventually begin to trust.

I am also seen as a cold person because I can switch my emotions on and off. I don't care for my biological father, he didn't connect with my brother or I as a father should with his sons. He literally drank and gambled the house away before my brother and I were teenagers. I watched my mother struggle with 3 jobs to pay the mortgage and bills while trying to be a mother and a father to myself and my then deliquent brother.

I hadn't spoken to my father since 1989. At that time he lived anout 10kms away, he made no attempts to visit and he was never discouraged from visiting when my parents divorced in 1983. In 1989 on my 21st birthday I got a card from him, it was a birthday card you would give to a girl on their 21st, FFS the card had pictures of dolls on it. I was offended and angry and asked him to leave and come back when he actually finds a slither in the corner of his heart tha actually cares.

1996, 2 days before I was due to fly out and live in Japan for 1 year was the next time I saw my father. Here was me thinking he had somehow heard that I was going over seas and was coming to wish me well...NO...he was coming to ask me to look after him after he had surgery to remove a kidney that was cancerous. I flew out 2 days later and have not spoken to my father in 16 years. He is still alive as far as I know, but I feel zero connection, let alone any compassion for the man, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. He knows where I live now but he has never made any attempt to contact either my mother, brother or myself.

I'm seen as cold because I cut off from him. I see myself as a person who doesn't tolerate shit and believes that blood is not always thicker than water.

I wish people could see the compassionate side of me more, but the things is I don't let people see that side of me too often. The people closest to me still don't know that in 2004 I drove from the Gold Coast to Gosford, a 9 hour drive, heading out at 11pm at night because a young fellow who was 15 at the time was thrown out of home and was living in a halfway house where he was the youngest person and was being abused. He turned 21 last September, we are still in touch, and we are still very very connected, I'm proud of him....ALL people know about that trip is it was a 1 week holiday, you are the only people to know it wasn't a holiday.

Do I love who I am? No, love isn't my strong point.
Am I proud of who I am? Definately. I have done things I am not proud of, but to err is human. How I have got to where I am now I am proud of.
Is there anything I don't like about myself? No, I am who I am. Dealt with a different set of cards things might be different, but those people that treated me like shit in my early years have tought me one valuable lesson, life without scumbags is easy and it is easy to have a life without scumbags when you surround yourself with people you care for, and people that care for you.

Life is not a game, it's a series of challenges....tests....lessons that ultimately shape your mind to what it is today, and todays challenges shape your mind for tomorrow. Giving up is not an option because the next challenge may just be the one that rewards you handsomly for the rest of your life.

If you don't like anything I have said, I don't care lol

or maybe I do

Nah I don't

Can I tell everyone another compassionate thing that you did?

I had a massive surgery on last December. Daz 'accompanied' me day and night via text messages when I was in the hospital bed. Mind you, I live in Malaysia and he lives in Australia. That really speaks how caring and a good friend Daz is.

I wasn't in pain but I was restless because I wasn't allowed to move. My back was aching because I stayed on bed for too long. My butt was kind of numb due to the same reason. So to have Daz around helps to comfort the discomfort that I had.

I know this may seem nothing to some people but I truly appreciate what Daz did.

I certified Daz as a very nice and caring guy. So to who ever ends up being with Daz as his partner/boyfriend, he sure is a lucky guy.

P.S: I would also like to say thanks to East for sending me a card and Rainbowmum for sending me text messages. Many thanks!