I have this friends and we are extremely close to each other. She somewhat-recently began identifying herself as bi-sexual. Now her father is extremely close minded and is not even in favor of her being part of the school's GSA club. So, she is obviously afraid to come out, because she is afraid of being rejected and hurt by her family. She initially wanted to wait until over the summer to come out to her family, but based on my experience, the sooner the better. I told her that I would always be with her no matter what happens. I would like to know if you have any advice for her because she could really use your help.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
I think given her situation with her father, and that she probably still dependent on her family, she maybe should wait a little bit until she can rely on her self in case worse comes to worst.
I personally waited until I finished college and got a decent job and moved out, I have flourished remarkably since I came out in the last year. My father side of the family are very religious and socially conservative and i would probably never come out to them willingly. Not that I really care but I am able to live my own life without bigotry and judgment 
Though if coming out now is essential to her, she should at leat think of a plan B in case things grow sour.
Hope my advice helps 
•
Don't Rush, would be pretty much the number one thing to remember.
Without going into a long winded reiteration of what you've probably already told her, the main thing to remember is that, we only have one life, so live it to the best of your abilities. Don't live your life for other people, because it's not for them, it's for you. She should know this, but incase she doesn't you can always remind her of this. I wouldn't know about how hard it is to come out to your parents, as my mother already pretty much knew and my father has been absent for 16years, but I do know how hard it is just being gay in our generation (though less than previous generations). Facebook/Twitter/Myspace/Texting, I get it, so many platforms for ridicule and humiliation, but this shouldn't matter, because people who do that to other people, are either gay but afraid to admit it or are just jealous because they can't have what we have, usually happiness/being expressive.
Keep being there for her, as she's going to need a friend and don't worry about what other people think. If she loves herself enough, she'll be strong enough to become who she is without fear of being ridiculed or being ashamed. If she isn't then you can help her, tell her all the good things about herself and all the wonderful things that will happen if she decides to be herself. There will be negatives, but I personally believe the positive severely outweigh them.
Goodluck to you and her.
 
•
in the time ive been on GS ive seen many thread by people wanting to come out to close minded/strict/religious family who they say wont accept them - the majority have come back saying how shocked or just suprised how some of those hard attitudes changed once they found out one of their own children is gay/bi/lesbian .... this is not always the case so keep that in mind but the odds i feel are in your friends favour - either way things turn out then just be there as a friend and support her - good luck
•
lots of threads on GS that deal with this.
If your not self supporting i would think twice what you get for outing your self to your parents. If the tuition ck is generous and on time why rock the boat. If mom and dad just gave you a iPod say give me more. Get all you can. Become self supporting, than bring the same sex partner to see the rents.
Dont feel like a failure to your parents because your gay, indeed, accept that your parents are the failure. Parents wake up every day with the same fear and self doubt, just some parents handle it better. Strive to be better than your parents, dont complete the circle.
This sounds cruel but I am really upset hearing about parents that dont promote their child 100%. Who do they expect will do this for them if they refuse to step up to the plate.
i really think in some situations the parent(s) are conflicted about their sexuality and only through the most simple and narrow rule set can they struggle by the challenge of raising a family. It is not up to the child to educate the parents and in fact they will reject the effort.
the child has been dealing with his or her sexuality their whole life and even if for the best situations they cant expect the rents to jump onto the line of thinking as quick as necessary.
take small steps in coming out. Do it to a trusted friend first. If an older brother/ sister is accepting and trusted do them next. Husband and wife dont keep secrets well between them selves but if the mother is more accepting tell her first.
close friends and family probably already suspect. Especially if there is an older child to compare to.
I would balance the additional emotional support (if any) you would get if you out yourself to your parents. I am sorry for your friend having to go through life so alone.
•
Based on my experiences one should stay in the closet until one is and adult, financially secure and not dependent upon the parents.
Case in point, my brother came out when he was 16, my mother kicked him out and he ended up on the streets of L.A. selling his body to eat, then started doing drugs, then got hiv which quickly became AIDS, lost his eyes and died. All because he came out of the closet so early.
In my 20's I worked with street kids (teens who either ran away or were kicked out) a fairly large number of those had been kicked out because they were gay.
So my experiences tell me that the best thing to do is sit and wait.
•
Ohhey Devin. Thanks for teh help And thanks to the posters above. Ill be slowly but shurly coming out.
•
Coming out is a very personal process and for each feel good coming out story there is a bad coming out story.
I personally feel that each person has to think about their own circumstances when deciding who to come out to and when. Knowing you have support and somewhere to lay your head at the end of the day, and knowing that you can continue with education are important considerations.
The thing with closed minds is they don't always remain closed, things can and do change most of the time. As someone already has said, some of the people that seem to have the most closed minds end up doing an about face, maybe not accepting but being more understanding.
My advice, follow your gut feeling and make sure you have a support network around you.
•
why not spend the time to search previous thread on this subject = at least u would get a base line of what to expect ! the more info u have the better u can tell ur parents why its the time u need to tell them, even show them the gayspeak site and show ur not alone in this, there is a freindly community out there and they may see that in a better light if u do come out
•
Life is very complex, and until we are out on our own, and no longer have to depend on anyone for our survival, we sometimes have to live a lie.
It's all fine and dandy to be true to yourself , but at the same time you have to survive.
The situation won't last for ever, there will be plenty of time to announce your preference to the world.
•
|
