To be truthful I don't really know what I'm confessing about, I guess I just want to say things that I can't really say to my friends because they won't understand and especially my family.
I guess I'm confessing to see if anyone else feels or has felt the same way I do.
I'm gay... Yes my close friends know but I needed to say that for the longest time. But never knew how to say it in the middle of a converstaion and I couldn't just say it randomly. I'm lonely and depressed. I cut... My friends know and go all "Inquistional" on me and won't leave me alone on why I do it. Well they're stupid, they know why. It's something that none of them will ever know or feel... Being gay has it's toll, I've accepted that I'm gay but that doesn't mean I agree with it or am ready to embrace it. Gay people are awesome to me, they're strong with what they have to endure from society. I've been telling myself "This is not the life I chose, not the life I would willingly choose. But I'm going to try to embrace it and make the best of it" But it's yet to sink in. Almost every night I have a suicidal thought...  I've always and still do, try to find someone to blame for all this pain... For my being gay. My mom, drug addict (Meth), abusive, neglective, and careless not understanding bitching mother. My uncle drug addict (Meth), one of my molestors... A kid, Andy who lived next to me in my old trailer park. My other molestor... But every time I try to blame one of them to myself... it always comes back to me. I wasn't good enough for my mom, that's why she was neglective, abusive, careless, and turned to drugs. My uncle... I wasn't part of the family enough so he felt the need to make me his toy... a innocence five year old. Andy... I invited him in?? I know I didn't, but I feel that I invited him in, invited him to use me as his toy.
I feel worthless to the world, I feel that everyone just uses me. I'm not good enough for anyone, I don't care anymore I just waste my life in front of my computer and tv... grades have fallen drastically. I'm so angry at everyone even though they didn't do anything. I abandoned two of my best friends for no reason, I just had so much rage towards them when they did nothing wrong.
What hurts more than anything is being called gay, defending myself with saying I'm not when I know I am. Death just sounds so peaceful most days. 
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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Death isn't peaceful, especially the death that you speak of. That death is a restless death.
You are an incredibly strong person to have survived all the adversities thrown at you, you are an incredibly brave young man to come to a community and open up and tell us such deep and personal details of yourself.
You haven't chosen anything that you have confessed to. You didn't ask to be gay, but you are, and yes there is a process that you have to go through to understand and accept your sexuality and reconcile yourself to the fact that you are gay. We have all been there 
You didn't choose to be abused, that was thrust upon you by people of low moral standing, this was forced upon you and you are in no way responsible for being abused, your sexuality is NOT the reason that you were sexually abused by men no more so than a heterosexual girls straight sexuality being the reason she was sexually abused by a man.
You have the tools at your disposal to become the sort of man that those in your life could never be. You have the tools to helps boys and girls that are experiencing what you have experienced, that's what you have to look forward to, but first you have a lot of things that you need to sort out for yourself.
If you feel overwhelmed, I would suggest you seek guidance through a local GLBT organisation who could recommend a counsellor that deals with the issues you are experiencing.
From the bottom of my heart and from the other side of the world, I want to tell you that you are NOT worthless, your words have reached halfway around the world to my heart and I want to see you grow emotionally into a strong man who over comes all.
YOU CAN DO IT 
Daz xxx
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I admire your strength and enduring all that s@@t that life threw at you.
I think in a lot of cases, people who experience pain grow to be people who can understand other people's pain. I know that doesnt mean much now... just dont let the horrible things around you bring you down.
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Hello,
I am so sorry to hear what you have been enduring.... Firstly let me give ya a hug *hugz* If there is ever anything on your mind please please post it on this site and use this site as a gateway to yourself freedom because on here you will find a voice in alot of the members and this is a place you look as though you need right now...
You state you do self harm.. Dont feel bad about admitting it because I will admit to you that I know where your coming from and understand why your self harming because ive been there in low parts of life at rock bottom of my world and taken to self harm. I am not someone who will think you've gone wierd mister and I doubt people here will judge you either.. If your friends have to question why your cutting non stop tell them that when someone hurts deep inside beyond any pain that occurs the only way to realease it is to cover it with what it is.... Pain covers Pain and what hurts inside is able to be taken away like an alcoholic whos sober and dying for a drink...
It is good to see that you have recognised your sexuality and now slowly growing to accept yourself for you mister.Being gay isnt a choice it isnt a disease and it isnt anything negative because in this life we are born the way we are ment to be and to be honest overtime i hope you feel the way i feel... Proud to be gay and proud to have my own unique life.. With regards to wanting to blame someone for this pain you dont need to blame yourself because it isnt your fault that you are gay its just the gift of nature and how it has made you unqiue as an indivudual... I am sorry to hear that your home life isnt any good either and until your in a stable state of affairs to be able to move onto new leads in life why not take this site as a open door to where you as a person can console in people here to get things off your chest. Or if you'd like to talk to someone on a 1 2 1 basis I am a gayspeak agony aunt here and i have helped members on this site overcome some problems in life and the same help is opened up to you as well as a member to another member.
Your mother is a twat to be honest.... Im going to be blunt and tell you that your mother chose to do the drugs, she chose to take a destructive path and she chose to be a bad mother... How dare she just bring a child into this world and not show him any love... Why to parents do that? As for your uncle his nothing more than a dirty bastard who should burn in hell for giving you the abuse.. You are not some sex toy nor are you a piece of meat on his sheet that he can summon at his call and abuse anyway he wants that just wrong and what gives him the right. God it gets my blood rising when family think they can abuse a child because you shouldnt have to be abused.. You have your rights and your freedom...
Dont stress out about the grades falling because I left school with no grades and yes it took longer to build a life but once you have made it successful things get easier asnd you can always return to college later on in life after school to re learn and get the degrees your wanting in life. If your two friends you abandoned are still around why not give them a call and make up with them because they will be the cause to you getting yourself your life back... You need some people round you who will help take this pain away as we will offer our help for you here on gayspeak...
If someone calls you gay just totally blank it... You can be ready when you are to come out and dont need to justify yourself to anyone who wants to start throwing insults around the place but i remember when i was fifteen years old people used the term gay in school to represent something that is stupid
Once again sorry to hear for the shit thats happenned to you and welcome to gayspeak you now have a online home where you have a voice amongst people who will listen
Kindest regards
Aunty Zeon
Gayspeak agony aunt
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Hello,
I would like to say you are very brave for posting here and that your post strikes a chord with my own story it with a few differences. I my self have been a self harmer since I was about 16 and I have managed to figure out things in my head that stop me from doing it in order to be more positive. Anyways I myself was bullied at school and this lead me down quite a destructive path, drinking cutting and just going totally nuts and losing myself to a lot of anger and sadness. When this happened my grades like yours suffered and I didn't do fantastically and thought it was the end of the world. The whole experience, depression, self harm did effect me as a result Im quiet, shy, unsure of myself and don't feel like I am good enough.
I am not going to lie to you, I still have bad days, I still lose my temper and I am still overly critical about my performance at anything and have extreme perfectionism to compensate. Self harm is an addiction just like drugs you have to learn self discipline and control so that you don't lose it. It is guaranteed you may slip up and cut yourself again (I have done it myself) but as humans we are bound to slip up. I once thought that I'd never do anything with my life after the trouble I had but I'm now in university and finishing off my degree, the exams you are doing aren't the be all and end all in life, you can do other things and be who you want to be.
I'm not going to lie and say things will be easy because they won't and I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I'm 100% happy and perfect because I'm not. But I am in a better position than I was all those years ago as I still have some issues to work out. I just hope you can see that you have loads to live for and that you can get through this. I just hope to god your uncle, mother and the boy in the trailer park get what they deserve.
Through gayspeak I have found a caring community and have made some amazing friends and have a good support network, even though I still have my ranty moments and don't always agree with what is posted here. I have made one friend in particular who has and is currently supporting me through my problems even though he might get sick of me calling him and texting him haha. I have also made some friends who I play with on the ps3 and keep in touch with so there is a wide variety of things you can get out of Gayspeak.
Please try to stay positive you can get through this,
Stay strong,
mrk2010 x
P.s feel free to post on my wall or message me, or anybody else in this thread because we are all happy to help. :-)
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Hi,
I am afraid I can't give you better advice than guys before me gave you. But I want to give you big *hug*
I think that you are very brave person and I wish things were better for you.
I feel bad about your cutting, because I think selfharm is an addiction and it is difficult to overcome the need of doing it again.
I am not sure, if it can help, because I have no experience with repeated selfharm (just with suicidal thoughts), but you could have a look at these links. I have them from my friend and I am including her commentary:
http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/self-i...enu-id-65/
http://www.selfinjury.com/
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm
USA National Suicide Hotlines
Toll-Free / 24 hours / 7 days a week
1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433
1-800-273-TALK
1-800-273-8255
TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
For issues involving Rape, Abuse, Incest, or Neglect contact RAINN at http://www.RAINN.org
or call 1-800-656-HOPE (all calls are anonymous and confidential) for more information and assistance on how to help yourself or a friend or family member. It should be noted that the call will not show up on a home phone bill because it is a free 800 number however, calling from a cell phone the number will appear on the bill should someone look at it. If this is a concern because your calls are monitored please use a landline or even a friend or family members cell phone, this call would also count against minutes on the cellular level based on your plan. There is also an online hotline you can access through the above website.
I think it would be good to contact your friends again and explain them that you didn't mean any harm, that life is just dificult for you right now and ask them for patience and not giving up on you.
I also think that it would be better if you tried to do better in school. It may help you in the future to get out of home sooner.
And please keep coming to GS, I believe you find friends here who will support you and who will believe in you.
You are worth it and you ARE good enough. Don't let anyone to tell you otherwise! Big hug for you, sunshine 
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hello sadsilence-i used to cut myself-its better to stop and i understand why we do it
more later maybe
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youre only 15 and being young you have much to learn and things will get better
are you in therapy?it could help
you might at looking at the Dr amen stuff on youtube and his books
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Blame; we as men often focus on blame but some times its better not. Its like driving a car, you look 50-100 feet ahead because anything less you cant do anything about in time to make any difference. I dont know why they put rear view mirrors in cars, useless when reverse is a junk gear.
please
continue to put your self out there in the most positive light. I mean why not? Thanks for posting on gayspeak. See if you can contact a youth counselor through some organization. The best situation would be some sort of local LBGT organization. You might be able to email call text them. They will be able to give an opinion what next. This could be a school or municipal/ state organization.
For example in Denver there was a Mentor Program run by the city. Try to pick something outside religious special interests. Try to pick something well monitored but informal. I was assigned a 13 year old for about a year+. Played video games after school at my work place or did social things like the movies, shop for family food.
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Donovan - Celeste
maybe music like this will make you feel better
maybe find a church thats gay friendly
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Lengthy confession
