Scared

[SadSilence]

I'm scared... I feel that my world is coming down. I can't breathe. This life... It feels so fragile, that even the slightest blow or touch it'll shatter and I'll be exposed. Anxiety will over take me and all that I built will vanish in the deafening blow. Disoriented and wounded, I cry out yet no one comes because no one sees or cares to help.

I'm sorry, but for what? One final stroke of fate will decide my path. "cold" and "heartless" are the words that describe me. But have they ever stopped and thought as to why I am cold and heartless? No, not once have they stopped and looked or listened, not once has society look at a person as an individual, we look at each other like packs of wolves. Waiting for the others to make a mistake so that we can strike and be triumphant, so we can feed off the misery of their defeat to boost our pitiful moral and false strength. We are what society makes us! No one changes all we do is get better at hiding who we truly are. Society buries who a person truly is.

I may as well die because people believe gays shouldn't drive... We're tainting the roads. It makes me sick! Gays can't have equality in marriage, nor have kids... Not without a fight. I'm fifteen, yes. Even now I think about kids, but do you know what comes to mind... I will probably never have or try to get kids because I can't have kids knowing that they might be made fun of, discriminated, bullied, left out and just everything because he or she has gay parents or parent. I cant bear to think that I might be responsible for that, responsible for destroying a child's childhood. Even in a gay friendly community you will have the same results just not as bad but it still stands.

Please, I beg of you do not say things like it will get better and all that. I'm looking at the world through my eyes and the way people have shaped it for me, not through the eyes of twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, or sixty year olds. I don't believe things get better until I see it get better. I'll accept all your wisdom and advice but all I ask is none of the "It gets better." "You're only fifteen" I know I'm fifteen, an idiot fifteen year old who thinks he knows the world and is on top of everything. But I know I'm not. I know my opinions and everything will most likely change but I'm going off of what I know and gathered and observed from right now, from my first memories to this tread. Not what you guys have observed, grew up with and gathered.

Peace is an illusion, hate is a lie, only the calming presence of fear is real.

[Rawr]

I'm scared... I feel that my world is coming down. I can't breathe. This life... It feels so fragile, that even the slightest blow or touch it'll shatter and I'll be exposed. Anxiety will over take me and all that I built will vanish in the deafening blow. Disoriented and wounded, I cry out yet no one comes because no one sees or cares to help.

Is it that you cry out and no one comes, or is it that the tears in your eyes blur your vision from seeing the people around you? I’ve seen many people on here reply to your posts, and although we can’t be there physically we’ll always be here to listen to your problems and reassure you where we can. Furthermore I’d advise you to do the same for other people; I know it’s hard to take other people’s problems into account when you have your own. I’m often one to neglect posts to save me the time. But you can truly learn more about yourself when giving advice, “perhaps I’m stronger than I thought.” They say knowing is half the battle and deep down we all know the problem and the possible solution. I’m very pessimistic thus the reason I neglect to give positive advice most of the time.

I'm sorry, but for what? One final stroke of fate will decide my path. "cold" and "heartless" are the words that describe me. But have they ever stopped and thought as to why I am cold and heartless? No, not once have they stopped and looked or listened, not once has society look at a person as an individual, we look at each other like packs of wolves. Waiting for the others to make a mistake so that we can strike and be triumphant, so we can feed off the misery of their defeat to boost our pitiful moral and false strength. We are what society makes us! No one changes all we do is get better at hiding who we truly are. Society buries who a person truly is.

A majority of apologies are just empty words wasted on the ear. I dislike people apologising for no reason. Your mind seems pretty set on people not changing, though if you use yourself for an example I’m sure you could agree that you’ve change a lot. We learn our moral code from the experiences we’ve had through our life. I believe people can change, and I believe there are a lot of people there worthy of my time but with a world population of over 7 billion, it’s hard to find said people. What I hate the most, are the people who state “well if they’re going to it, I’m going to do it as well.” In most case scenarios this is the people who see others steal, cheat and lie and think to themselves they’ll do the same because why should they be nice? Most people hate waiting, and I do as well though I have took the time to just look around at the world which surrounds me. The sight of seeing so many miserable people makes me sad. It sounds cliché, but have you ever just looked at the sky and thought how beautiful the clouds are. Its times like this which allows me to remember that the world is a beautiful place even its inhabitants aren’t.

I may as well die because people believe gays shouldn't drive... We're tainting the roads. It makes me sick! Gays can't have equality in marriage, nor have kids... Not without a fight. I'm fifteen, yes. Even now I think about kids, but do you know what comes to mind... I will probably never have or try to get kids because I can't have kids knowing that they might be made fun of, discriminated, bullied, left out and just everything because he or she has gay parents or parent. I can’t bear to think that I might be responsible for that, responsible for destroying a child's childhood. Even in a gay friendly community you will have the same results just not as bad but it still stands.

If you believe you’re in the right then why should you die and not them? To be honest you’re neither right nor wrong. Being gay is neither, it’s as normal as indentifying yourself as any other sexuality and you need to believe it. If people who were in the right died and those who were in the wrong lived, then the world would continue down a path of getting worse. Change your perspective from the fear which resides inside you to curiosity. You’re 15 and so young. The average age to die of old age is somewhere between 70 and 80. That is more than half a decade away and the changes which may happen in that time is worth the wait. You also need to remember that not all bullying revolves around sexuality, and straight people have just as much fear as you do on how their kids will grow up. Again, you’re fifteen and far from ready to have a child, so the fear is natural. You may feel differently at thirty.

Please, I beg of you do not say things like it will get better and all that. I'm looking at the world through my eyes and the way people have shaped it for me, not through the eyes of twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, or sixty year olds. I don't believe things get better until I see it get better. I'll accept all your wisdom and advice but all I ask is none of the "It gets better." "You're only fifteen" I know I'm fifteen, an idiot fifteen year old who thinks he knows the world and is on top of everything. But I know I'm not. I know my opinions and everything will most likely change but I'm going off of what I know and gathered and observed from right now, from my first memories to this tread. Not what you guys have observed, grew up with and gathered.

I’m not saying it will get better, though I’m not saying it will get worse either, I will say finding out is the fun part. If you refer to the world as how it looks in your eyes you will never learn. You need to take others perspectives in to consideration and in doing that, improve and create your own. The last paragraph is a little misleading to say the least; I should really read the full message first before writing my own. Oh well, you’re stuck with me informing/reminding you that you’re fifteen.

Peace is an illusion, hate is a lie, only the calming presence of fear is real.

I disagree, Peace and Fear are both an illusion, though it’s up to you on which you want to elude.

[pellaz]

I'm scared... I feel that my world is coming down. I can't breathe. This life... It feels so fragile, that even the slightest blow or touch it'll shatter and I'll be exposed. Anxiety will over take me and all that I built will vanish in the deafening blow. Disoriented and wounded, I cry out yet no one comes because no one sees or cares to help.

It is difficult to live a quality life by your self with out supportive friends. Gayspeak is a start but a physical hug is worth a thousand words. Look for a LGBT organization and loving friends

[RockerBlocks]

I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time in your life, Lots of hugs coming your way, Buddy.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You are suffering from depression. You are depressed - of course being worried and scared doesn't help, but your boarding on the suicidal and most likely do things that are self destructive behaviors that you haven't admitted to us (yet).

When we are depressed the world looks like shit, and everything feels like shit and everything tastes like shit and each breath is like breathing... yep you guessed it, shit.

So I understand why you have this shitty attitude about the future and being gay and everything. I go there every winter. I'm just now on the upward climb out of depression heading for summer mania - fun - fun -fun.

I strongly suggest you get a therapist, a counselor, a psychologist to start working on that depression and those suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't suggest going to a psychiatrist until you have been to at least 4 hour long sessions with a psychologist who will have a much better understanding of where you are and what is eating you, unlike a psychiatrist who will listen for 15 minutes and start pushing prescriptions at you.

[SadSilence]

I do do self harm, I've admitted it. Not proud of it but I admitted. My father is to cheap and doesn't give enough to put me in a four hour session with a psychologist, he just puts me in what his insurance covers, nothing more.

[Rainbowmum]

SadSilence,
You really need to get help, self mutilation , is not healthy for your emotional or physical health.
I would like you to try this instead , put an elastic band on your wrist , when you start going to that dark place ,flick it so it stings you.

You still need to see a professional so you can learn about tools , that will help you.
I realize that you feel like no one can understand where you are at.
Believe it or not sweetie , us older ones here , were 15 year old once.

We understand how hard it is , there are so many here that still suffer from depression.
Listen to them sweetheart , they are reaching out to help you.
All you have to do , is meet us half way.

We are all here for you .

[Rainbowmum]

Hi SadSilence,
I know you are pretty down right now.
Perhaps these threads might be able to help you.

Keep in mind that these threads are not a substitute for professional help.
They are however extremely helpful.

By fenris
Befrienders Worldwide

By Pix
How I Avoid Depression.

By fenris
It Does Get Better - The L Project

Please take the time to read these pearls of wisdom , and listen to those who have survived.
There are so many here that wish to help you , but you need to want to help yourself.