I´m sorry to read that things were unlucky for you:frown:. Fortunately you came to the right place
mile:. Welcome to our community
, we´ll try to help you to deal with this
.
First of all, you said you hate to be gay. I understand you and know how it feels, cause some of us have felt like that in one moment of our lives. It´s not easy to be different, especially when that difference is considered a taboo. It´s very frustrating to have to hide our real feelings and ideas when we now well be rejected or attacked, when our own family, loved friends and acquaintances may turn their backs on us, or use this information to make fun. You know, your sexual orientation seems to move you away from your loved ones and general society, but it´s not true. There´s nothing wrong to be different, to be gay, bisexual, cross-dresser, trans, etcetera. It´s only a way to express what you feel inside, and you didn´t choose that, did you?. Prejudices are what originate the problems, the fear to something we don´t understand and don´t have proper information or references, the common practice to follow other people when we don´t know how to react about a situation, and the long process of reflection that takes to realize what´s really good and bad.
Second, you think you have no control over anything in your life anymore. You´re partially right, you don´t have control of the world, that´s impossible. The only thing you can have control is about your own person and actions. I mean, you trusted your secret to your friends with good intentions, maybe because you wanted to be honest and show them your appreciation letting them know an important part of yourself, or something like that. And what happened?. A jerk spilled the beans and now your private life is exposed to the public. Was there a way you may have known what he planned to do?. Independently of all, when you trust a secret to someone, you always run the risk to be betrayed, or that his/her reaction is unexpected. If you write a diary, no matter how well you hide it, there´s always the chance that someone will find it, accidentally or with purpose. If you bake a delicious cake and have guests in a party, there will be always people that doesn´t like cakes or simply are not fond of them. What I´m saying is that you cannot control anything from the outside. What you can control is what are you going to do about it. If I have a secret that is very serious and may have consequences if it´s revealed, I´ll think it over at least 3 times before I trust it to the other person, and prepare myself in case the other person reactions or actions are inappropriate. If I write a diary and don´t want anyone to find it, I shall search for a place that is not common or visible, maybe behind the books in and old bookcase, camouflaged with a woollen cloth in the closet, etcetera; if I baked a delicious cake and I´m having guests tonight, I can also make some jellow or pudding, so in case some of my guests doesn´t like cakes I´ll have options for them and both of us won´t feel awkward or forced to do something we don´t like (reject the cake or have to swallow it) . Moral of the story?. You don´t have control of the outside that affect your life, but you can do something to deal with it. Is it easy?. No, it isn´t, but is possible, and you can do it.
Third, you said you´ve been self-harming yourself. I hope you´re only referring to guilty and self-reject thoughts, and no to actions like get drunk, use drugs, cut yourself and whatnot. There´s nothing wrong with you being gay, and you´re not responsible of anything that happened but to sin of innocence and naivety. Do yourself a favor, and instead of that search for advice and information that help you to feel good and deal with these troubles. Speaking of your school situation, you have the right to deny that you´re gay if that let you get rid of the malicious comments of your classmates or other people. You don´t have to share this part of your private life with everyone. You decide who will now and who won´t. It´s not better to be out of the closet than in it, cause everyone case is different and you should do what is right to you and in agreement with your wishes a feelings. The same applies to your parents. A few days ago I wrote something about coming out, so I´m going to transcribe it for you:
“What do you mean coming out?. You want to tell them that you´re bisexual or that you´re gay. Here we have some things to consider before we make a decision:
Why do you want to come out?. You want to be honest with them because you love them and want to show them your appreciation and confidence?. You want to release a burden you´ve carried for a long time?. What´s the point in this situation?.
I advise you to think if its more what you´re going to win coming out than what you´re going to loose.
What do you expect from them once they have the confirmation?. You want to be able to talk about the topic with them whenever you want?. What´s the benefit to talk about this with them?.
You know, if you are already independent and can maintain yourself in case of contempt, if you have a net of friends that can provide you moral support and affection in case you´ll need it, a place to live without your family help, that´s a good start. Otherwise, you should wait until you´re more prepared. On the other hand, you know your family, you´ve lived with them for many years and you may be able to foretell their possible reactions. You need to be prepared before you take the first step.
I don´t know how difficult was for you to accept your sexual orientation, but keep in mind that when we realize that we are different we past through an acceptance and reflexion process; so they will, but the difference is that we´ve had a lot of time to think it over, and they hadn´t. Sometimes it takes time to assimilate this kind of issues, because our family always have expectations about us, and although nowadays is a more accepted matter, is also associated with negative ideas. And they have the right to be mad at you because they have their own ideas and moral values. You can´t force them to accept the idea of you being of another sexual orientation. What I want to tell you is that if you decide to tell them, they may take it well or not, it depends on every person. You´ll have to run the risk, so you´ll need to see if it´s worthwhile. Maybe you don´t have to come out right now, you can start preparing them with information about the topic, like watching movies about the LGBT community (In that case I´ll recommend you Prayers for Bobby (2009), with Sigourney Weaver, Kissing Jessica Stein (2001) with Jennifer Westfeldt and Heather Juergensen, The sum of us (1994), see their reaction and talk like the voice of reason…the idea is that they have the opportunity to see other people lifes in similiar situations; the moral of the story should show that it doesn´t matter if you like cocks of pussies or both of them, because you´re the same person with feelings, dreams, projects and you love them. It helps a lot if the movies show parents in a supportive position. There´s a post here in the forum that has a list of a lot of good Gay themed movies, Why don´t you give it a shot?. You can educate them a little before shooting the good news.
Don´t be afraid, and don´t be hasty!. Coming out its like building a house, planning a war, winning the superbowl…you need to plan it carefully and use a strategy.
Another thing you can do is search for articles about coming out here in the forum, or in the net, take your time to read them and get some information”.
Finally, your straight friend. You have 2 possibilities and need to make a decision: 1) To be honest, tell your friend and run the risk, with the chances to solidify your friendship and have freedom to show yourself as you really are, to be rejected by him or see him move away from you, or simply that he´d say: Really?. Oh!, right, good for you, and that he may not pay attention to the matter at all. 2)Don´t tell anything for the moment, and keep the secret until you´re more prepared to confront whatever his reaction may be. Think about this: Right now I have enough problems with people in my school because a jerk betrayed me. I´m feeling bad, I´m trying to fix my life and I don´t need more troubles. What benefit will I get if I tell him about it? Will he be supportive? Shall he be willing to listen to me and talk about the topic?. Remember what I told you before…You decide who will know and who won´t.
Sorry if all this chatter was a little overwhelming. I know it´s no as easy as it sounds, but believe me, you can do this
, you can take up the control of your life again, and regain your tranquility and joy
. Oh, and if you have questions feel free to ask. Good luck and cheer up!.
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