All I think about

[Nick9]

It's been a little over a week since I've last cut, which is good mile:

Congrats! I know that you need to start over every day or maybe even every hour. That it is not easy and it feels like a never ending battle.

but lately all I can think about is cutting. I've looked for elastic and rubber bands to put on my wrists so I can snap them on my wrists to get that... delight, that release. But I can't find any. My father is really mad at me because I'm failing my classes and it makes it worse and the urge worse. I don't know what to do

About your father... It is possible that your grades is something that he understands more than the depression. He knows what is wrong (the grades), why, what will happen if it stays this way and how your life might be better in the future if you do better in school now.

So, by insisting that you need to do better in school, he may show you his love. He wants you to have better life.

It is different with your depression. He may not understand why (you haven't come out to him yet), what exactly is wrong and he doesn't know how to help you. He is afraid of losing you, but he doesn't have a key to your getting better.

You should talk to him more and accept all the help he is offering (those hours at the specialist maybe, or ask him if it is okay if you call those help lines etc.)