I don't know what I'm fighting for, what Point there is in the future. My father removed all the sharp things I could possibly get my hands on so I don't cut, but today I found a tack under my bed and I've spent all day resisting it, looking at it and wondering why I'm fighting the urge. Because I made a stupid promise? Because why resist when it'll make the pain, the crushing void of nothing, the hopelessness, loneliness, and everything else go away? My chest feels likes it's calasping on itself, it can't support itself against the crushing void. Ninety percent of the day I feel nothing, I feel like I'm suspended above the world and that at any moment I'll fall. The impact will be the deep rumbling echoes of the hollowness with in me. I see despair, pain, and the void of nothing. I want a normal life, I want to be able to take my date to the movies and share a kiss or two without having people judge, not because it's open display of affect but because we're two men and not a man and woman. I'd rather die than lead a gay life. I can't take! Going through life knowing this... This fact. I want to look at a girl and be able to say she's beautiful and have it be more than a mere compliment, I want to be able to look at a guy and say he's good looking without it being anything more than a mere compliment. What am I fighting for?
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SadSilence Wrote:I don't know what I'm fighting for, what Point there is in the future. My father removed all the sharp things I could possibly get my hands on so I don't cut, but today I found a tack under my bed and I've spent all day resisting it, looking at it and wondering why I'm fighting the urge. Because I made a stupid promise? Because why resist when it'll make the pain, the crushing void of nothing, the hopelessness, loneliness, and everything else go away? My chest feels likes it's calasping on itself, it can't support itself against the crushing void. Ninety percent of the day I feel nothing, I feel like I'm suspended above the world and that at any moment I'll fall. The impact will be the deep rumbling echoes of the hollowness with in me. I see despair, pain, and the void of nothing. I want a normal life, I want to be able to take my date to the movies and share a kiss or two without having people judge, not because it's open display of affect but because we're two men and not a man and woman. I'd rather die than lead a gay life. I can't take! Going through life knowing this... This fact. I want to look at a girl and be able to say she's beautiful and have it be more than a mere compliment, I want to be able to look at a guy and say he's good looking without it being anything more than a mere compliment. What am I fighting for?
Being gay is normal. It's a normal life. It all depends on the perspective on how you see it and how you want to see it.
It's unfortunate that a lot of people are still judgmental toward gay people. But you shouldn't let society and these judgmental people stop you from living your life as a gay man. Does it matter what other people think about you as a gay guy? Does it matter what others think about you holding another guy's hand or kissing another guy. They are not Gods and they do not in any shape have the authority to control your life.
Mind you, I live in Malaysia. It's an Islamic country. Last week I was in a shopping mall and guess what? Two male foreigners holding hands and walking with each other. Sure, others gave them queasy look. But do others matter? Not to them. I salute them.
Why would you rather die than lead a gay life? There is nothing wrong with you or us. It's the judgmental society that should be blamed. You are not harming them with your sexual orientation.
You are fighting for your future and the future of the new generation of young gays out there. If you dislike with what you see and with how the society treats the gay people, step in and help the rest of us by making a change. You have the power to inform non gays that we are normal too. You also have the power to tell the youngsters that it's okay to be gay.
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SadSilence Wrote:... Because why resist when it'll make the pain, the crushing void of nothing, the hopelessness, loneliness, and everything else go away? My chest feels likes it's calapsing on itself, it can't support itself against the crushing void. Ninety percent of the day I feel nothing, I feel like I'm suspended above the world and that at any moment I'll fall. The impact will be the deep rumbling echoes of the hollowness with in me. I see despair, pain, and the void of nothing ... The pain will not add anything. It contributes to the void.
I read your posts, they depict both your suffering and your beauty. I hope you keep a journal because I admire your text. Do you draw the same way?
being gay is being part of the whole. Where we are a minority we have always been part of things old and established.
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SadSilence Wrote:I don't know what I'm fighting for, what Point there is in the future. Hi SadSilence,
nice to see you here 
What point? Your happinees and a loving partner, bb You probably won't find your dream life partner at 15. Maybe at 18 you will decide that you want to enjoy being single. Maybe at 27 you will decide you want to settle down and spend the rest of your life with one perfect Mr.Right. You don't need to have everything planned at 15.
SadSilence Wrote:My father removed all the sharp things I could possibly get my hands on so I don't cut, but today I found a tack under my bed and I've spent all day resisting it, looking at it and wondering why I'm fighting the urge. Because I made a stupid promise?
No, it is not about some stupid promise. It is because you were strong enough to freely decide that you didn't want to do it anymore. I know it took a lot of courage to make that decision and that it takes enormous courage and strenght to stay true to your decision. And believe me that we at GS celebrate your every step toward your better future. Because many of us know very well how f* hard it is...
SadSilence Wrote:Because why resist when it'll make the pain, the crushing void of nothing, the hopelessness, loneliness, and everything else go away? My chest feels likes it's calasping on itself, it can't support itself against the crushing void. Ninety percent of the day I feel nothing, I feel like I'm suspended above the world and that at any moment I'll fall. The impact will be the deep rumbling echoes of the hollowness with in me. I see despair, pain, and the void of nothing. I remember when I felt like that. Everyone kept telling me to go to see a psychiatrist. And I was absolutely sure that I would never do that.
And now, my most honest advice for you is... go to see a specialist. Paradoxical, huh?
Because in the end I wasn't able to fight it alone and it wasn't because of me that I got rid of the depression. Now, when I see clearly I know very well that I should have gone to see someone.
The time difference is inconvenient and we don't react quickly enough to your posts. I think that calling to one of those help centers could help you more, give you some pieces of useful advice, some directions how to fight those urges more effectively.
I had low moments when I stared into nothingness and felt like you, but I also had moments when I could see more clearly. And if you have those you could reach for other people during those moments. Call your friends, go to the movies. I understand if you don't want to. But maybe if you go and look back at your day in the evening, you will see that the day was not that bad. It wasn't full of rainbow, but it was quite NORMAL.
SadSilence Wrote:I want a normal life, I want to be able to take my date to the movies and share a kiss or two without having people judge, not because it's open display of affect but because we're two men and not a man and woman. I'd rather die than lead a gay life. I can't take! Going through life knowing this... This fact. I want to look at a girl and be able to say she's beautiful and have it be more than a mere compliment, I want to be able to look at a guy and say he's good looking without it being anything more than a mere compliment. What am I fighting for?
Normal life for many 15 years old people is not about holding hands and kissing. A lot of straight boys and girls start at 18. Many gay men discover their orientation much later than at 15. And a normal life for many teenagers means go to the movies with group of friends not to hide in the last row of seats and making out with their bf/gf.
Your father seems to care about you. If you want a hint where to start... try him. Come out to him. Start to live that free life you dream about in the circle of your family. Obviously, I don't know your father, but from what you had told us, he seems like the right person to start with.
If anybody disagrees with me, feel free to comment, I don't want SadSilence to have one more problem on top of those he already has...
Anyway SadSilence, nice to have you here  mile: You are doing great! One day someone will be lucky to win your heart. Don't scar your skin and try to heal all those scars you have on your heart. Give that someone a chance to meet you in the future and to take care of you
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SadSilence Wrote:I don't know what I'm fighting for, what Point there is in the future. My father removed all the sharp things I could possibly get my hands on so I don't cut, but today I found a tack under my bed and I've spent all day resisting it, looking at it and wondering why I'm fighting the urge. Because I made a stupid promise? Because why resist when it'll make the pain, the crushing void of nothing, the hopelessness, loneliness, and everything else go away? My chest feels likes it's calasping on itself, it can't support itself against the crushing void. Ninety percent of the day I feel nothing, I feel like I'm suspended above the world and that at any moment I'll fall. The impact will be the deep rumbling echoes of the hollowness with in me. I see despair, pain, and the void of nothing. I want a normal life, I want to be able to take my date to the movies and share a kiss or two without having people judge, not because it's open display of affect but because we're two men and not a man and woman. I'd rather die than lead a gay life. I can't take! Going through life knowing this... This fact. I want to look at a girl and be able to say she's beautiful and have it be more than a mere compliment, I want to be able to look at a guy and say he's good looking without it being anything more than a mere compliment. What am I fighting for?
Hi sadsilence the best thing I can say is give your dad the tack you find it will make you lose that temptation and you will feel calmer and more at ease. Also the promise you made wasn't to your father, it was to yourself, to stop cutting and make yourself a new and more positive life where you will be able to cope better without harming yourself. As for having a normal life no one has a normal life and nobody is perfect. I myself have OCD, perfectionism and I'm absolutely terrible at maths but it makes me who I am. Just recently I accepted that I can't be perfect in all aspects of my life. Only by talking to an amazing friend on here I've learned these things and only till I started believing them have things got slightly better. Also sadsilence you are really young you shouldn't be thinking of such things like long term relationships and how things are going to go, you should focus on your education and things you want to do with your life; worrying about these things are for people my age lol. So if anything you are fighting for a better life, a new you and a more positive attitude. I'm not going to lie and tell you I think this way because I don't 100% of the time but I need to keep reminding myself this.
I hope things get better for you, but only you can change these things.
Mrk2010, x
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Do you have a therapist yet?
If not tell your dad you really need a therapist. Like now, today would be great, tomorrow is ok. But soon.
Keep the tack or discard the tack. Put the tack on a pedestal and worship it - if it helps you keep some perspective in life. If not, hand it over to your dad.
Seriously, nothing we say or write here is going to change how you feel. You are suffering from depression. Depression isn't written away, it isn't talked away. Depression is one of those things that you need to work in in a process.
That process requires face to face interaction and 'talking through' huge steaming piles of crap. It also requires peeling the onion - solving emotional/mental issues is like peeling an onion, as soon as you remove one layer you find another layer to peel, and so on and so forth, always another layer underneath supporting the layer you just removed. Peeling it away to get at the core, the root of the problem is a process that can take a longish period of time and has its rewards and moments as well as a bit of grief. It is a process worth doing, even the bad has a bit of good in it and is worth it.
For the record you have a flowery writing style. You are pretty good at using descriptive terms and phrases to catch ideas. I would strongly suggest you put the tack to the side and open up a word Document and start typing - and write, write, write.
Write prose and poetry, write out your gut feelings.
Some of the best poetry and prose comes out of pain. Not only will this give you something constructive to do, it will help to ease your heart a wee bit.
Other that playing with tacks, do you have any other creative outlets? Hobbies? The process of making something, be it creating a great theme park in Roller Coaster Tycoon or going out and building a piece of furniture out of wood the process of creating helps to channel a lot of emotion and mental 'crap' for many people. The process also helps consume time and helps us to forget that we are in pain, be it mental/emotional or physical.
I spend many off hours working with Google's Sketch-up modeling program.
http://sketchup.google.com/ the free version is very versatile and lots of people do things from simple to complex, from real world to fantasy making.
I got it and use it to design everything from whole structures to pieces of furniture. It allows me to get a 3D realistic view of what something will look like using the hard won data of real life experience I have.
I also am using it to design the Weftcore - a Star-trek-ish Warp Drive start ship. I used it to design a hard hull zeppelin that got me into the side issue of learning about lift of helium and even hydrogen, studying up on the densities, weights and strengths of various spray foams and other materials. I have designed a craft that will never be built, but I am 95% certain that it would fly.
It killed about 3 months of real time, an hour here, and hour there - a whole day off here and there - it gave me something to do with my mind keeping me from thinking about other things, like the pain in my neck, the pain in my knee, the pains in my heart.
Find something constructive to throw yourself into. Trust me, it makes time fly and has a lot of therapeutic value.
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:Seriously, nothing we say or write here is going to change how you feel. You are suffering from depression. Depression isn't written away, it isn't talked away. Depression is one of those things that you need to work in in a process.
Hmm, why would you think that Bowyn Aerrow?
I know it made a HUGE difference in how I had felt when I read what others wrote to me. Reading, writing, talking can be a part of the therapy. It can be part of that "work" you have mentioned.
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Hello,
Let Aunty tell you what your fighting for... Your fighting for the same thing i did when i was at my lowest of low... Your fighting for your right your freedom and your life to be how you want it... Things will get better and you will meet that special man and you will go to the cinema with him and you will live in a place where people dont judge you and you will go out there in the open world and hold your head up high and you will bring in some money to pay the bills and enjoy a social night... You are fighting for the urge to not want to cut yourself despite how low inside can feel, your fighting for your right to be so called normal when infact you are as normal as normal can get... Everyone is normal in life hunni and you will realise that but the problem is where your suffering with depression inside it doesnt feel like that and the point of continuing life as life is, is because...
If it ends... You wouldnt have had your freedom and your life wont be how you want it... Things wont get better and you wont ever meet that special man and you wont go to the cinema with him and you wojnt live in a place where people dont judge you and you wont go out there and hold your head high and you wont bring in no money nor will you enjoy a social night... Your fight would have been lost and you wouldnt ever experience a normal life as normal as life can get....
Your father removed sharp objects i suspect because he is deep down worried about how you are in a state of mind... Please post many posts if you have to open up loads of threads and have a bloody good cry or message me and ill respond if you need a 121 private chat... You are 15 and got so much ahead of you... If that is you in your avatar i would say your a good looking lad with so much hope and desire within and you will get a chance to shine on through it... Man and man isnt a bad thing just as man and woman... You can look at a lady and say she is beautiful and give her a compliment as i do... I may be gay but i can still tell a lady she looks lovely.. Doesnt mean you gotta bed her and to be honest dont worry aboutn relationships because in time mister you will find the right person...
If i was living near you id help you pick up the pieces that feel broken onj the floor and tell you things in life will be alright just remember back to your first conversation you made about something positive and remember that that was a small ray of light... Dont let it just turn out because in life its easier to find a negative than a positive.... Think of positive factors in your life and think about your career and how you are going to achieve it... Do what i did and set yourself realistic goals... Once you begin doing a part time job put as much money as you can into savings and save it for when you can spread your wings and leave the nest leaving all the shit behind....
Search for a song called
Sunscreen by Baz Lurman... He spoke the truths in the 90's and i was your age about the time it came out so give it a go and please let us at Gayspeak take some of your burden because here we all support one another and that INCLUDES YOU!
KINDEST regards and big hugz
Aunty zeon x
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Nick9 Wrote:Hmm, why would you think that Bowyn Aerrow?
I know it made a HUGE difference in how I had felt when I read what others wrote to me. Reading, writing, talking can be a part of the therapy. It can be part of that "work" you have mentioned.
i agree nick and i also know talking to random strangers online is a good way of expressing yourself as somewhere they help
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Hi Sad
What are you fighting for?
You are fighting for your future that is what .
Why?
Because somewhere deep inside you , is still the need to survive and live a normal life.
And yes , Gay is as normal as any other orientation.
It's the way you are made up.
The lack of self acceptance is your enemy here.
Once you learn to accept the person you are and love that person , things will get easier.
You want the pain to end , take a step into the future.
Take that tack and throw it , begin your new life, you have been doing so well not cutting yourself , keep it going , kick that addiction , stop feeding your pain to the void.
You can do it , you already haven proven that.
And we are all proud of the job you have done so far.
Being Gay is normal.
We are all here for you.
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