Thank you all for the responses. I appreciate it and would love to hear more if others read this and have thoughts on it
I read through what you said and t is such a complex subject it is really hard to sum it up...but I thought about it and I think that your answer is not definitive and might not ever be definitive. Instead...I think the answer is the journey....
Start by exploring on some level what does turn you on and be as true to yourself as possible...and then let it unfold as it will. Forget about the labels...exploring your unique and individual sexual feelings can be a path to enlightenment if you are open to it.
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There are a few other points that I have thought about that I would like to touch on and see if anyone else has experienced similar things or if anyone has thoughts on them. I have touched on the surface of my relationship with my dad, which has overall been good, but there are a LOT of issues with it that I am realizing more and more the older I get. He is a recovering alcoholic (sober nearly 10 years now), but during most of my "formative years," he was drunk a great deal of the time. His relationship with my mom is really good now, but during those years it was strained, and he tried to blame everything that was wrong on her. Also, I have never been into sports. He tried teaching me how to hit a ball and stuff like that when I was small, but he would lose patience with me when I didn't do it exactly right and I very quickly became disinterested in it. He told me that I would have problems later on in life if I didn't catch on to sports and things like that, and I did in school. My freshman year was the worst with P.E. because I stood out from the crowd as the person who was very uncoordinated and unable to do things the other guys could. Strangely, this is the time when my first gay-ish thoughts came into play--don't know if there is a connection there or not--seems like I should have been repulsed by men since they were the ones making me feel inferior. Dad has also said some things to me that have cut me to the core, like I don't know how to walk (?), he knew I could never make it as something I tried to do at work, I'm way overly sensitive, do it "like you've got a pair", among other things. I never enjoyed really "macho" stuff on TV like sports or gory movies or the like. I like sitcoms, mystery/cop shows, a couple soap operas, talk shows, etc. Although I can still appreciate the beauty of a beautiful/sexy woman, none of them do anything for me anymore. I bought a couple Playboy magazines and looked at the women in them hoping they would turn me on and--nothing. Hot guys (even moderately hot guys), on the other hand, drive me crazy. I truly cannot imagine myself marrying a woman and certainly not being a father because I don't think I'd be a very good one to be honest. I do not want to raise anyone else to be like me, that's for sure. I long for a close relationship, and I really feel like I'd like it with a guy who is very like-minded to me. I'm not even all that interested in sex (certainly nothing anal--I don't even like that in porn--I think that' part of the body is "exit only" if you catch my drift--no offense to those of you who like it, but it seems gross to me), although holding, kissing, even oral sex seems very attractive to me. I more or less want someone to be able to talk to about ANYTHING, and I don't feel like I have that completely now.
Wow, sorry to cram so much into that one paragraph. Any thoughts on anything I've stated here?
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how come my last reply hasn't posted???
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yes, something about a moderator. I hope they do post it because I brought up some new points that I really want some feedback on. Thanks for the info.
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