So this is the first time I have ever posted or told anyone that I am gay and I am petrified. The last few weeks I have been considering having sex for the first time and I was planning on doing it anonymously.
Luckily something in my head went right yesterday and I started watching youtube videos and reading articles about people struggling with their identity, coming out, etc... All of a sudden it hit me and I told myself for the first time "I'm Gay" and it felt like, well, nothing I have ever felt before. I felt free, like I could stop hating myself for being this way. I have finally come to terms with myself. I'm wanting some advice on what I should do now.
First let me provide some backstory:
I first had my first "experience" when I was ~13 and I stumbled across a site online... It scared me so much that for months I wouldn't touch a computer. Later on I explored my attraction a little more until my mom "walked in" when I was 14. That was devastating to me... she yelled "Go! Get out of my house!" I went for a walk and came back with a lie I came up with, all she saw was the word gay she didn't see pictures so I told her it was two girls and we buried it and moved on. (In hindsight I should have just come out then, but I had it in my head that I was just confused and I could fix myself)
My senior year in high school I had discovered I could get away with watching movies on my TV... until my parents found out a few months later. They called me to the living room and with a strong tone said "Come here let's watch this movie together" right away I recognized the title and turned around to lock myself in my room. They started screaming. I insisted that I just needed a few mins to think... I wish they had given me that because I probably would have gotten the nerve to just come out. They asked me why I watched it and insisted that I was just having normal feelings... my mom did most of the talking, my dad was speechless. In hindsight I think they were just trying to understand what I was feeling, but it came across as hostile so... I lied and went along with it.
I am 22 now and for the first few years of college I have felt like an outsider, I can't talk to anyone about this... until now. I have finally stopped looking at it as a problem that needs to be fixed. Now I really want to come out.
I am still completely reliant on my parents for financial aid, I mean I am almost done with school and could most likely get a job to cover everything if I am cut off which I feel is a worst case scenario that I don't see happening. But I am sick of lying to them. Every time we talk they ask about girls, etc... My parents aren't extremely religious, but most of my family is. My dad used to talk about sending gay kids off to camps if his kids turned out like that, but I think he has warmed up to the idea since my senior year. My mom is the one I want to tell first though. She seemed really hurt my senior year, but since then she has made gay friends at work and loves them to death... I have considered talking to one of them first and then when I come out ask if they could comfort her and answer her questions. But I don't know them all that well. I have no clue how my dad will react and I already know a few people I will never tell in my family.
I have already set up an appointment with a psychologist/counselor on campus who specializes in this, so I'm not for sure what to expect there.
I'm thinking of coming out to my mom this weekend and telling her I have an appointment to talk with someone.
I'm just looking for advice, maybe someone has gone through something similar. Look forward to talking with others!
Thanks,
-JP
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My parents reacted pretty similarly in my teen years. I was semi-out from 16-20, when my mother just through I was confused or bisexual, but then my brother went and told her I was gay. And it was ugly at first, and yes they were hostile, but they got over it in time and they get better bit by bit. It's not the end of the world when they take it badly (as long as its not too badly) just stand your ground and they'll learn to deal with it.
I think telling your mother first is maybe a big step. Are there any friends you might want to tell? Or any siblings? Going to speak with a counsellor will probably be a lot of help, to get used to vocalizing things.
And there are lots of great people on this site that are nice. I'm glad you decided against the anonymous hookup, that's something a lot of people regret if it's not right for them.
Edit: Also, welcome to the forum, JP.
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Thanks for the advice... My only sibling is way to young to talk to,
as I read more and more stories I'm kinda feeling that I might wait until this summer to tell them. I might try going to the local LGBT group and talking with a few people there first... I don't really have any close friends that I'd confide in... And I have never really associated with the LGBT community because I didn't want to draw any attention to myself.
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wait till you are completely financially independent before telling your parents. Dont depend on getting a functional job in this economy till you have one.
You do not owe your parents anything. Parents who dont support their children 101% are not in need of respect. Your father is unsure of his sexuality and he can only raise a family by having very a narrow pre made belief system.
Be the man you want to be, than tell them in an email. You still have a ways to go from reading your stuff.
Why would you want to include your parents in your life if they cant contribute to it. If you have to be dishonest steal it from them all the same. Go to your appointment alone. Make sure the therapist has previous skills in LBGT counseling. Get some close friends who will accept you as you are. Get a boyfriend. Go to the LGBT center, no one these days, in their right mind, cares if you are gay or straight.
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When you have to rely on your parents for finances or whatever it gets tricky but you seem to have that under control so I would say, it seems like you're in a good place to come out soon. Definately don't tcome out them unless you feel completely ready. For me (and I am a person who had to come out twice, first as gay(ish) and then as a trans man) I would first tell people I knew wouldn't care or people I could be okay with losing. It established a support system in case my parents were not accepting and gave me some practice for the big outting. I told my parents one at a time starting with the parent that I knew would be less freaky because then they would, if all went well, be able to help me with the more freaky parent. And sometimes our parents can surprise us, when it ends up relating to them they can sometimes change their views. My dad went from telling me homosexuality is a disease to being my number one supporter. Sometimes when things hit close to home they have a change of heart. I don't want to get your hopes up, and it's always safe to prepare for worst case scenario, but it's just good to know that sometimes parents end up more accepting then they act like they would be. I would definately establish a support system before telling your parents. It's really helpful to know there's still someone you can fall back on if all doesn't go well or if you just need support in anything. If you'd still like to connect with the GLBT community in your area you may being able to find online groups for your area or ways that they are discreet so you can walk into a building without everyone nearby knowing exactly what you're going in and doing and at the very least you do have us. 
Didn't really mean to type you a whole story there, but...It's awesome that you've had this breakthrough, and welcome to the forum!
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pellaz Wrote:wait till you are completely financially independent before telling your parents. Dont depend on getting a functional job in this economy till you have one.
You do not owe your parents anything. Parents who dont support their children 101% are not in need of respect. Your father is unsure of his sexuality and he can only raise a family by having very a narrow pre made belief system.
Be the man you want to be, than tell them in an email. You still have a ways to go from reading your stuff.
Why would you want to include your parents in your life if they cant contribute to it. If you have to be dishonest steal it from them all the same. Go to your appointment alone. Make sure the therapist has previous skills in LBGT counseling. Get some close friends who will accept you as you are. Get a boyfriend. Go to the LGBT center, no one these days, in their right mind, cares if you are gay or straight.
Well I love my parents... I don't know that they don't support me because I haven't fully come out to them. A few months ago my dad and I were talking about homosexuality and I talked to him like it was a way they (still not revealing to him) were born. Through my education I have seen scientific proof of this in other organisms and he seemed to be really interested. Talking to him about that was extremely awkward for me but I think he understood it and could recognize its not a choice.
I would never steal from them, that's not who I am.
The counselor is a psychologist who is an ALLY (glbt supporter).
Thanks for the advice!
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spencer Wrote:When you have to rely on your parents for finances or whatever it gets tricky but you seem to have that under control so I would say, it seems like you're in a good place to come out soon. Definately don't tcome out them unless you feel completely ready. For me (and I am a person who had to come out twice, first as gay(ish) and then as a trans man) I would first tell people I knew wouldn't care or people I could be okay with losing. It established a support system in case my parents were not accepting and gave me some practice for the big outting. I told my parents one at a time starting with the parent that I knew would be less freaky because then they would, if all went well, be able to help me with the more freaky parent. And sometimes our parents can surprise us, when it ends up relating to them they can sometimes change their views. My dad went from telling me homosexuality is a disease to being my number one supporter. Sometimes when things hit close to home they have a change of heart. I don't want to get your hopes up, and it's always safe to prepare for worst case scenario, but it's just good to know that sometimes parents end up more accepting then they act like they would be. I would definately establish a support system before telling your parents. It's really helpful to know there's still someone you can fall back on if all doesn't go well or if you just need support in anything. If you'd still like to connect with the GLBT community in your area you may being able to find online groups for your area or ways that they are discreet so you can walk into a building without everyone nearby knowing exactly what you're going in and doing and at the very least you do have us.
Didn't really mean to type you a whole story there, but...It's awesome that you've had this breakthrough, and welcome to the forum!
Thank you for the story... I'm really excited to start this new chapter in my life, I'm just trying to figure out how to do it... I'm thinking I'm gonna put everything on hold until I talk to that psychologist next week... He may have some great info on dealing with the stage I'm in.
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im glad you have decided to accept yourself, and im actually kinda glad you ACCTUALLY thought about a legit way of going thorugh with it. I think talking to your mothers gay friends is such a brilliant idea. i mean they are gay, they know how it is. and it wont be awkward for them to bring up a conversation with your mother about something like. "imagine if you had a gay kid" or something around those lines. and if your mother suspects you are shell probably go "oh dear god, this one time my son watched a movie" and it is like the perfect catalyst for a conversation, and then just ask for what them about the general consensus is on your mothers views. it could make coming out easy as pie. or very very difficult. its a brilliant idea though. might want to try it. in the end. if the mother accepts, the father surely will at somepoint  i havent come out yet for different reasons, but im pretty much at that cliff too. im glad for you!
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ManicLewis21 Wrote:im glad you have decided to accept yourself, and im actually kinda glad you ACCTUALLY thought about a legit way of going thorugh with it. I think talking to your mothers gay friends is such a brilliant idea. i mean they are gay, they know how it is. and it wont be awkward for them to bring up a conversation with your mother about something like. "imagine if you had a gay kid" or something around those lines. and if your mother suspects you are shell probably go "oh dear god, this one time my son watched a movie" and it is like the perfect catalyst for a conversation, and then just ask for what them about the general consensus is on your mothers views. it could make coming out easy as pie. or very very difficult. its a brilliant idea though. might want to try it. in the end. if the mother accepts, the father surely will at somepoint i havent come out yet for different reasons, but im pretty much at that cliff too. im glad for you!
I thought it sounded like a good idea, I just don't know him all that well... We've met on a couple of occasions but never really talked. I looked up his email from her account and it's his work email so I thought that'd be weird... I may grab his number and leave him a voicemail or a text. Not really sure how to go about contacting him.
Also, the gay friend and my mom don't see each other that often and I don't think they talk socially over the phone. Just when they meet up for a couple of meetings a year and they have drinks and hang out afterwards. Mom will talk about him for weeks after that haha.
I just kinda thought I'd get some pointers from him and ask if I could tell mom, after i come out, to talk to him about any questions she may have.
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With your dad admitting that gay camp (a place to cure the gay) is a viable option, and the way your parents reacted when there was a hint of you possibly being 'that way', I suspect that there may never really be a 'good time' to tell them.
I would strongly urge you to start cutting the ties now. Work toward independence and not having to rely on the parents FIRST. Once you are free, then you can proceed as you want.
Right now they have this weapon, your reliance on them. No they may not cut you off, but they can threaten it and use it as a way to convince you to 'be straight'.
Get independent, then open your mouth and say "I'm gay" to them.
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