A letter to my abusive parents . . . . . .
04-11-2012, 08:19 PM
Dear Mum and Dad,
When I was younger you were the perfect parents, you loved me, cared for me and were always there when I needed you but soon things changed. You soon forget that you had a son because your lives were more important and I could see that you lost your temper more readily with me. I first realised that things were changing because dad pinned me down and slapped me repeatedly because I couldn't find my favourite game and he thought I lost it and it cost so much money and I begged him that I didn't know where it had gone. Soon enough you found it and I got an apology and you then tried to buy me and get me another game but after that I was still afraid . . .
Mum started drinking more, she fell asleep on the floor all the time when she wasn't at work and things got worse. I remember when I was 11 and at Christmas mum got drunk with the neighbour and didn't spend anytime with the family because she wanted to feed her habit. The drinking didn't stop it just continued and continued and continued. I remember every occasion you have spoiled, every Christmas, every birthday, my 16th, my 19th grans 80th. You made me dread every time there was a birthday or Christmas because I feared you would make a show of yourself or upset me in some sort of way. Dad made excuses for you but no it wasn't right, you were selfish, you only cared about yourself and yet again your habit. You would say so many hurtful things and time again dad would come to your defence and you would both twist things and make it seem like I was the cause making me feel low and upset.
The childhood over the teen years were the worst, you got violent, both of you, you tried to control every aspect of my life. Because of you two I had no friends, you never let me go out I just had to sit in that house and I would play the events over and over again in my head. If I turned the heating on in the house you'd say "why are you doing that ?" "why this, why that?" everything I did you questioned, again you tried to mold me, you tried to make me your puppet. Just as I dreaded every special occasion the drinking got worse and I had to dread every weekend instead. Every Friday night I would stay awake and wonder "how much is mum going to drink? What is she going to say or do that will hurt me?" you'd get so drunk that you'd pass out, I'd try to put you to bed and you would be violent with me, you'd push, scratch and beat me. Even though you did all this I still loved you then . . . . . . .
Age 16 I couldn't take the pain anymore I felt numb I needed to cut, I needed to feel something instead of all the ridicule all the interrogations and all of the hate. Your apologies kept coming but you still kept hurting me and I kept hurting myself. I thought I was the bad person maybe I was actually doing something wrong and it was all my fault. Slowly I got on with life, I passed my exams earned my qualifications and still you weren't happy, you still put me down. For years this went on you ate away at me, you took my self esteem, my confidence, my faith in other people. Of all things to happen during this time I discovered that I was gay of all the things to happen gay what else could happen. I kept this secret for 3 years deathly afraid incase you found out I feared you might put me out on the street and during this time I took the beatings from mum but atleast I would have a home somewhere warm to sleep.
For about 6months we went through a good patch, the beatings stopped and I actually felt like a relationship was starting to form. I came out to you can you both looked me in the eye and said "it's ok, it doesn't matter, there is nothing wrong with you." then the bad times came again . . . . . . . You both especially mum used this against me during her drunken moments, she said she wished she had an abortion, she said she wished I died of aids. The self harm started again blocking out the pain but the drinking got to be more and more I'd stay in my room all weekend only venturing out for food and drink and you'd take the opportunity to hit or slap me. Yet again dad you didn't protect me, you made excuses and then you started to join in. You grabbed me pushed me up against the wall and I didn't know whether I was coming or going or when the next beating would come.
I ventured online for comfort and looked for ways to curb my self harm, I found Gayspeak, this was the only place I could be who I wanted to be it was the only way I could vent. Only by making friends I realised what you had done to me wasn't my fault it was yours, but although with help I couldn't see it. with help and support of a friend ai got some normality in my life, I learned to write everything down, evidence of the things you did and got some self respect. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago you did your usual interrogation of me criticising and picking at me, I lost my temper, I threw my cereal bowl at dad and it hit him, I realised I had a voice this scared you, both of you, you lost your control and this scared you. You saw I wasn't going to take this anymore and I want better for my self.
Then comes Saturday last week, you both apologised, you apologised for everything? You revealed mums drinking was because of pressure looking after her drug addict sister, lending her money for years and looking after my poorly grandma. This all made sense, but why? If all of this was going on why was your punching bag? Why did you make me feel so low? To top it off you want a relationship with me? How? How can we turn back the clock ? I don't want this, we can be civil but I can't be your son anymore, you took my life. You took all my teen years away from me and I am now how I am. One day when I have a good job I'm going to move away, far away, I will remain in contact and maybe consider rebuilding a relationship but I can't promise.
Because of your abuse, you have a son who now has nervous ticks, stutters when in unfamiliar situation and worries so much. I have flashbacks and seeing certain things in life remind me if the bad times. You have a son who is unsure in himself and covered with scars, physical and emotional but you know what? I'm better now, I have a voice, I have prospects in life, I have friends, I have a future. Although it may take me a while to trust someone, I will find someone to love and they will give me the respect I deserve.
Anybody who suffers abuse, it may take a long time but it will get better . . . . . . . . . . . .
When I was younger you were the perfect parents, you loved me, cared for me and were always there when I needed you but soon things changed. You soon forget that you had a son because your lives were more important and I could see that you lost your temper more readily with me. I first realised that things were changing because dad pinned me down and slapped me repeatedly because I couldn't find my favourite game and he thought I lost it and it cost so much money and I begged him that I didn't know where it had gone. Soon enough you found it and I got an apology and you then tried to buy me and get me another game but after that I was still afraid . . .
Mum started drinking more, she fell asleep on the floor all the time when she wasn't at work and things got worse. I remember when I was 11 and at Christmas mum got drunk with the neighbour and didn't spend anytime with the family because she wanted to feed her habit. The drinking didn't stop it just continued and continued and continued. I remember every occasion you have spoiled, every Christmas, every birthday, my 16th, my 19th grans 80th. You made me dread every time there was a birthday or Christmas because I feared you would make a show of yourself or upset me in some sort of way. Dad made excuses for you but no it wasn't right, you were selfish, you only cared about yourself and yet again your habit. You would say so many hurtful things and time again dad would come to your defence and you would both twist things and make it seem like I was the cause making me feel low and upset.
The childhood over the teen years were the worst, you got violent, both of you, you tried to control every aspect of my life. Because of you two I had no friends, you never let me go out I just had to sit in that house and I would play the events over and over again in my head. If I turned the heating on in the house you'd say "why are you doing that ?" "why this, why that?" everything I did you questioned, again you tried to mold me, you tried to make me your puppet. Just as I dreaded every special occasion the drinking got worse and I had to dread every weekend instead. Every Friday night I would stay awake and wonder "how much is mum going to drink? What is she going to say or do that will hurt me?" you'd get so drunk that you'd pass out, I'd try to put you to bed and you would be violent with me, you'd push, scratch and beat me. Even though you did all this I still loved you then . . . . . . .
Age 16 I couldn't take the pain anymore I felt numb I needed to cut, I needed to feel something instead of all the ridicule all the interrogations and all of the hate. Your apologies kept coming but you still kept hurting me and I kept hurting myself. I thought I was the bad person maybe I was actually doing something wrong and it was all my fault. Slowly I got on with life, I passed my exams earned my qualifications and still you weren't happy, you still put me down. For years this went on you ate away at me, you took my self esteem, my confidence, my faith in other people. Of all things to happen during this time I discovered that I was gay of all the things to happen gay what else could happen. I kept this secret for 3 years deathly afraid incase you found out I feared you might put me out on the street and during this time I took the beatings from mum but atleast I would have a home somewhere warm to sleep.
For about 6months we went through a good patch, the beatings stopped and I actually felt like a relationship was starting to form. I came out to you can you both looked me in the eye and said "it's ok, it doesn't matter, there is nothing wrong with you." then the bad times came again . . . . . . . You both especially mum used this against me during her drunken moments, she said she wished she had an abortion, she said she wished I died of aids. The self harm started again blocking out the pain but the drinking got to be more and more I'd stay in my room all weekend only venturing out for food and drink and you'd take the opportunity to hit or slap me. Yet again dad you didn't protect me, you made excuses and then you started to join in. You grabbed me pushed me up against the wall and I didn't know whether I was coming or going or when the next beating would come.
I ventured online for comfort and looked for ways to curb my self harm, I found Gayspeak, this was the only place I could be who I wanted to be it was the only way I could vent. Only by making friends I realised what you had done to me wasn't my fault it was yours, but although with help I couldn't see it. with help and support of a friend ai got some normality in my life, I learned to write everything down, evidence of the things you did and got some self respect. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago you did your usual interrogation of me criticising and picking at me, I lost my temper, I threw my cereal bowl at dad and it hit him, I realised I had a voice this scared you, both of you, you lost your control and this scared you. You saw I wasn't going to take this anymore and I want better for my self.
Then comes Saturday last week, you both apologised, you apologised for everything? You revealed mums drinking was because of pressure looking after her drug addict sister, lending her money for years and looking after my poorly grandma. This all made sense, but why? If all of this was going on why was your punching bag? Why did you make me feel so low? To top it off you want a relationship with me? How? How can we turn back the clock ? I don't want this, we can be civil but I can't be your son anymore, you took my life. You took all my teen years away from me and I am now how I am. One day when I have a good job I'm going to move away, far away, I will remain in contact and maybe consider rebuilding a relationship but I can't promise.
Because of your abuse, you have a son who now has nervous ticks, stutters when in unfamiliar situation and worries so much. I have flashbacks and seeing certain things in life remind me if the bad times. You have a son who is unsure in himself and covered with scars, physical and emotional but you know what? I'm better now, I have a voice, I have prospects in life, I have friends, I have a future. Although it may take me a while to trust someone, I will find someone to love and they will give me the respect I deserve.
Anybody who suffers abuse, it may take a long time but it will get better . . . . . . . . . . . .
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