Dating someone - is it ok to still be on Grindr?

[Trainerash]

Hey everyone,

I have a question I'd like to get your advice on. So basically I moved to NYC two months ago. Of course that the first thing I wanted to do was meet people (no second intentions, really just making friends - which is one of the most important things when moving to a new place!). Since I didn't know where to start, I went to the obvious places - Grindr, Manhunt, etc... I know these are really used as hookup platforms but the fact is that sometimes you meet people with no second intentions and become friends with them. I've met, at least, 3 people here that way with no intentions and with whom nothing happened except just talking and hanging out.
So, in the meantime, I started dating a guy that I actually really like. I'm really a relationship type of man - I don't do hookups, don't see the fun in it. And I actually REALLY like this guy.
But the fact is I come from Europe - relationships in Europe are a lot different than in the US. First of all, they are more exclusive right from the start. Second they are more intense and faster in terms of feeling evolution. Third, they are more open in terms of conversation - you discuss the feelings and the topics that concern you. With this guy I'm learning that just because you're dating someone for a month, doesn't mean it will be serious necessarily. For me, when I start actually dating someone, it's serious. And for most people in my country.
So my doubt here comes from another aspect - since I met him, I stopped going to these Hookup sites out of respect for him. Because, like I said, it's serious when you start dating someone back from where I come from. But at the same time, I need to meet more people - making friends in a new place is so important. But I'm not sure if keeping on Grindr will make him think I'm looking for something else - I really want him to trust me but it will take it's time. Do you think it's bad if I go back on Grindr to meet people while dating someone? How would you approach this?

Thanks!

[zeon]

Hello,
Grindr can still be used to find and gain friendship and it will build up a basis of trust and if he goes mad then his not worth knowing as trust wont even be there to begin with... Without trust how can you call a relationship a relationship?

[pellaz]

Europe or NYCt everyone is different. Communication is key as always. Get to know the boy:
-does he have a positive relationship history, have you heard of or met the Xbf yet
-does he want what you want out of all this dating
-can he talk to you about anything, even the most bad, would you get upset if it were not as expected

if you guys are exclusive wait out the incubation time, think getting that final hiv test? if not, a shame to wast a good grinder account name / pw. Mark it in as "friends only" and leave it open. Put your self out on a limb, tell him your dating status and see if he approves.

somehow i feel you have not been dating long enough with this one because I dont see any tell tail evidence in your post you two are totally close. Put the grinder stuff on hold, tell him what you did.

enjoy each other.

[Taharka]

I don't really see it as a problem as long as it is only for meeting friends. I mean if you don't use an online site i imagine you're going to try making new friends another way, so what's the difference? Sure, a lot of guys on those sites are just looking for hookups but that can happen with people you meet anywhere. One thing i would say is not to try to hide it from him, if he does find out then he'll probably be very suspicious - not saying you should come right out and tell him but don't try to cover it up.

[zippyBox]

Heh, maybe I should move to europe. When I'm in a relationship, I always delete the app. I'm not saying that everyone should, but it's too much of a temptation for me. If I'm not careful, I start to develop the "grass is always greener on the other side" mentality. I guess it depends on your intentions, and if your partner is comfortable with it.

[Trainerash]

Hey guys,

Thanks for the responses. I do understand what you all mean. I'm really unsure where this is going. I mean, I'm definitely up for the relationship. I like him, his personality, I can be with him all the time. I'm just coming to this conclusion that we're on different wave lengths. He's always saying he's cautious with me and that trust takes time. But I'll give you a good example on why I'm concerned about this - he hangs out a lot with his Ex, he says we shouldn't text when he's with him because the ex gets angry when he's on the phone. I'm trying to be understanding because we're still getting to know each other, not exactly boyfriends, just dating, but all of this atitude with the ex gives me a huge anxiety. He's always saying there's nothing there, but I just don't feel confortable with the situation.
I keep trying to please him - be spontaneous, show up, buy tickets to stuff, just because I really like him and I want him to be happy. I just don't feel his up for the same thing. He says he's shy. Well I usually say shy loses shyness when they fall in love, or even when become strongly attracted. I'm probably just losing my time on someone who will probably just ditch me if someone better comes along...

[princealbertofb]

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't keep your Grindr account working as long as that's what you need or want and as long as your date understands why you are keeping it open. The only reason he could object to you having one is if you were looking for sex on the side, if that's out of the question in the relationship you have together. Some people like to have an open relationship, but that's their business, and ought to be discussed, I think.
As long as you're not doing anything wrong, and as long as he knows what use you are making of Grindr, (to make friends, right?) you are still justified. After all you haven't been there long and are still trying to make a circle of friends you can hang out with...
If your ''boyfriend'' is jealous and you perceive some jealousy arising then ask him how he feels about you having a Grindr account... and whether he'd prefer for you to close it. There's more to gain in honest discussion than in any lying or hiding, I'm sure.
Maybe he's not 'shy', but do you know the expression: "Once bitten, twice shy"? It means that once you've had a bad experience, it makes you more wary, more cautious.
That's probably what he means... not wanting to get hurt, but in the same way you should tell him that you have these awkward feelings too when it comes to him and his ex.

[Trainerash]

Yeah, I understand. I'm probably being too anxious. I just don't want to ruin this or making him run off or something. I'll just take it one step at a time and relax. Not worth getting so anxious about.

[princealbertofb]

[quote=Trainerash]Yeah, I understand. I'm probably being too anxious. I just don't want to ruin this or making him run off or something. I'll just take it one step at a time and relax. Not worth getting so anxious about.[/QUOTE]
Probably not.