Welcome to the team, buddy :biggrin:
Have you read the posts of Bowyn Aerrow, SadSilence, ceez, Zet and probably others? Many people here were so close that it's literally a miracle that they are still alive.
Several months ago someone in my head told me that a suicide would be a good way out. Clean solution of my problems. Mind you, it was not me. It was someone else's voice in my head and that was why it had been so hard to deal with it. It was certainly a serious depression and not a bad mood, but I was not willing to accept it.
You seems to be on that road too.
You know, I had set a date. So, when I look back now, I can count months of my new life. And sometimes during the most ordinary things, I stop and a thought flashes through my mind - I am glad I am still here.
I have made new friends since the date. I laughed many times. Yes, I felt like crying too. But I also made some people around me smile.
You know, we, people, are jerks sometimes. When things are okay, we don't reach for others. We don't go and call or write or tell them I am glad you are here, you make me smile, I like you, you are my friend.
It's only after something happens when we wake up.
Do you know this "joke"?
If you had a last hour of your life and you knew it, who would you call?
So, what are you waiting for?
yeah, it's not a joke. It's actually sad. Yes, Anon, you would be missed. And it sucks that you are not sure about it. That your friends and family don't let you know it. It's not because they don't care, I assure you. It's because we live in our own bubbles.
I am not sure why is that. Perhaps because there is so much people on our planet. We hardly have enough privacy and we have learned how to not bother other people with our attention.
A friend of mine came from a small town to Prague to visit me some time ago. And she was, well she was horrified. "People here don't look each other in the eyes. They don't smile at each other. Even a small kid was uncomfortable when I looked him in his eyes."
Imagine that I once walked on an almost deserted street (four people including me). I went to see my dad who worked at the street. We went past each other!! He was walking up the street, me down the street, there was like 30 inches between us and we didn't see each other! He was already one step behind me when I registered that I knew that
shirt.
People learned how to keep the distance. It's sad that even friends do that. Yes, you would be missed. I am sure you can make many people happy in your future life and I know there will be people who will make
you happy.
Maybe that person who lives next door, the one who is so happy, smiles always and has so many friends is as sad as you are. But he/she doesn't want to bother other people with his/her troubles. So he/she smiles and keeps the chin up. Keeps the charade going. Just like you. Stop smiling when you don't feel like it. Tell your friends or family how you feel.
Yes, they may not understand, it had happened to me to. Be prepared to it and try again. Maybe people around you think that you are okay and happy. How should they know? Find also friends online. When you are busy in your real life it's hard to find an hour or two to go to a bar or restaurant with a friend.
Everybody has periods when they feel down and other times when things look better. Everybody, you included. It's just that depression that makes you believe that there are only bad things happening to you. Because when we are depressed the sun is equally bad as rain. No win situation.
Keep posting as an Anon, or under your nick, or PM me or someone else from the GS when you feel down. Those down period suck, but things will get better. I promise