Is it romantic or is it conniving?

[gastudent]

Hey everyone. I've found myself stuck in a jam that I alone can't decide what to do and is deeply bothering me, yet at the same time I'm too embarrassed to bring it up to any of my close friends. I hope that some of you guys wouldn't mind sharing some insight on my situation. I also apologize that it is so long, but I hope that it won't affect some of your input.

Of course, this is about a guy I'm very much attracted to both sexually and emotionally. I met so-called guy during spring break in the Rockies via Grindr. Right from the start he told me that he was in a long-term relationship, but I remember not being too bothered about this and only saw him as a friend during my stay. However, we swapped each other's phone numbers and continued to keep in touch after I left back home. A few days after returning back to the daily routine, I started to see him as a really great guy and became somewhat attracted to him.

For the next two months we texted each other a few times every week just keeping in touch - nothing special - yet the more we seemed to keep in touch the more I really started to appreciate his company. The reason I say this is because where I live (right outside of Atlanta), many of the guys I meet tend to be very self-centered and dramatic, which is a major turn off for me, and so-called guy acted a complete 180 to the guys I usually come into contact with at home. I also found out that we had a lot of things in common: we both enjoyed exercising and having an active lifestyle, both were laid-back and calm, and could laugh about and relate to a lot of the same things together.

A few weeks ago, he told me that he was going to be visiting Atlanta on business and asked me if I wanted to hang out. Obviously, I said yes because this guy had pretty much won my heart, but it in the back of my mind I couldn't help but realize he was already in a relationship. Before he visited, I told him I was attracted to him yet I was bothered that he was in a relationship and wanted to meet only in a platonic situation. He told me that he and his partner had an understanding and recently started an open relationship, but he didn't mind just hanging out as friends.

So last week I went up to Atlanta to see him for a day. He took me to a really nice restaurant downtown, paid for everything, and then we continued to hang out after - just talking. I won't lie, I was curious about his decision for an open-relationship and decided to bring up the subject. He told me that he had been in the army straight out of high school for 10 years and didn't feel comfortable coming out of the closet until his mid 20's, and when he did come out, he started a monogamous relationship right off the bat with the guy he's still with today. He then said that after a while, he and his partner started to become curious about what it was like to be with other people. Since then he's been "experimenting" with discreet sex for the past year. I was able to understand where he was coming from because when I came out, I was able to go through a phase of exploring my sexuality (so to speak) and fooled around with more than one guy. But through that, I was able to find out that it wasn't something that I particularly wanted to do for the rest of my life.

I was really appreciative of his honesty, yet at the same time it made me feel more reserved around him. When I had to leave, he tried to kiss me and I couldn't help but pull away. I really did like him, but it didn't feel right given everything I knew. Worse, I felt like after all that he wouldn't want to talk to me anymore. As I was walking to my car, he sent me a text saying that he really enjoyed seeing me, thought I was a really attractive and cool guy, and hoped we could see each other again soon. This was pretty relieving for me.

Well, nothing much has changed now. We're still texting each other normally, but after getting to see him last week I can't help but like him more than ever. He has told me more than once that relationships are complicated, which makes me believe that his might be on the rocks. As bad as it sounds, this makes me hopeful we could be together in the near future, but I don't want to be the deciding factor to the end of their relationship. However, I'm pretty sure the next time I get to see him I'll feel more comfortable fooling around with him even if he's still in a relationship.

Given everything, I would love to know what you guys think about what I have said. Sometimes I feel guilty that I might be ruining the relationship he has with his partner, but something also tells me that fate brought us together and maybe fate wants us to be together. I also don't truly know what his intentions are for continuing to talk to me (during his visit I wouldn't do anything with him, let alone kiss him) or what is so "unique" about me. The most I know is that he feels something special more than sex with me.

All in all, this is a situation I've never been in. I have told my friends about him, but consciously left out the detail that he is already in a relationship because I felt a little ashamed and knew some of them would disapprove. However, I think sometimes that our conceptualizations of what is right and wrong differ among the gay community than in the straight community, especially since we tend to have different outlooks on relationships (given the fact that gay relationships tend to more commonly be open relationships than straight ones).

Basically, what I'm asking for outside a second point of view is: is what I'm (or what he is) doing fundamentally wrong? Should we continue to see each other like we have been and see where that goes?

[East]

Hmmmm...lots of moral dilemmas here which is a good thing...we all have to cross that bridge or similar ones at some time and how we handle it creates character.

Having said that...I do not think any decision you make will be "wrong" because you are both consenting adults...I do think it is wise to be true to yourself and if you dont;' really know what that means...try to keep the experience to what feels right for you.

I was fortunate enough to learn at a fairly young age to take responsibility for my part in anything...to own my own shit...and that is the advice I will give to you. He may or may not be a player and he may or may not be available but remember that you knew all of that ahead of time and if he happens to be lying...or he leaves the guy and gets into a relationship with you...he may do the same thing to you and if that happens...own it instead of feeling like a victim. I wish I could teach that to everyone because it is so freeing ...maybe you could tuck that away and use it if it becomes necessary....

He could be the best thing that ever happened to you too....the love of your life...so if you feel it take a chance with your eyes wide open....

Good Luck to you!

[Gizzie]

Is it wrong? I think it ok.
But is it worth your time... Maybe not.

Obviously he thinks you are a discreet thing on the side, and the long distance is obviously working to his advantage not yours.
I know it will be though but maybe you need to look for someone who is ally available to be in a relation ship if that is what you want.

If a fling is ok with you, then by all means, stock to it.

[azulai]

Basically, what I'm asking for outside a second point of view is: is what I'm (or what he is) doing fundamentally wrong? Should we continue to see each other like we have been and see where that goes?

I guess I'm a cynic but I usually read these as yeah, he's been with one guy and whether he's telling you the truth or not, they have been together what sounds like a long time, things are not as exciting as they once were. The great solution: let's try an open relationship! They have shared ASSETS, maybe a home, definitely stuff, maybe a dog and they don't want to bother with dividing that stuff up, so this is an easy way to explore, be 20-something again, and live life more freely.

No matter what he's still in a relationship with someone who already knows all his bad habits, who maybe gained weight, doesn't get as hard anymore or is maybe no longer interested in sex, so your guy is looking for "discrete" sex. I doubt you are ruining anything. He says relationships are complicated. Do you agree? I disagree. I think relationships are as complicated as we make them.

I do think you are romanticizing things thinking he's going to leave his partner. What gave you that impression? Why do you think you are, to quote you, "unique?" Do you think you are the only one he is texting? How do you know?

You have to ask yourself what you want from a relationship. If what this guy may offer is what you are comfortable with, that's your business, your values, your ethos. But, see it for what it is. You can't make it into something it's not.

...but something also tells me that fate brought us together and maybe fate wants us to be together.

Was it fate or Grindr that brought you together?

Invoking fate seems to take personal responsibility off your back.

[dfiant]

Experience tells me that guys who have been in a relationship for a while, and then look outside the relationship for another connection, live that connection until it stops being fun then just go back to what they know with no remorse of the mess left in their wake.

It could work in your favour, but more than likely it would be a short lived romance leaving you with a broken heart.

I personally am not a fan of 'open' relationships for this very reason.

I may be wrong, but I'm just saying.

[gastudent]

Wow, thank you all for the great (and fast!) responses. I really appreciate them.

...he may do the same thing to you and if that happens...own it instead of feeling like a victim. I wish I could teach that to everyone because it is so freeing ...maybe you could tuck that away and use it if it becomes necessary....

This has definitely crossed my mind. It's evident he has a higher libido than I do, and if we ever were to start a relationship this would be something I'd have to confront. However, he has been open and honest with me about so many things right from the gecko: his relationship, his age, hook ups. I feel that it's not a complete deal breaker for me. In a way, I value the idea of "emotional" monogamy with him more than "sexual" if that makes any sense, and if he was to stay completely honest with me it would not truly bother me as much that he was having one-night flings every once in a while.

Thank you for the input! I definitely think I will continue to do what I feel is best in my mind, even if it doesn't always necessarily follow what society tells me I should do, and I will be ready for the consequences that come my way.

@azulai (it is not letting me quote your post for some reason): A lot of the statements at the beginning of your post are undeniably true. He and his partner have shared assets, probably know almost everything about each other, and have just reached a stage where things have become boring. The reason I emphasized him telling me "relationships are complicated" is because in the context that he has told me this, it gave me the impression that because of the history and assets him and his partner share, he feels compelled to stay with him. I don't doubt I could be reading too much into his words, but it is strange that he has told me this multiple times.

I do want him to leave his partner eventually, but it's definitely not something that I'm expecting to happen, so to say, by the end of the year. Like I said before, given our situation it wouldn't even be practical to start something long-distance, especially given the fact that he is enjoying a stage of hooking up with random people. I guess when I was asking whether I was "unique," I meant it more as a rhetorical question. Nonetheless, I'm fairly confident that I'm the only one he texts on a daily basis besides his partner (and honestly, I think sometimes he keeps in touch with me more than his partner). It's hard to succinctly justify how I know this, but some indicators were that he was hesitant at giving me his number (and his facebook) in the first place, which shows that it is not something he does very often, and also we tend to frequently have long, profound (for lack of better word at the top of my head...) conversations with each other, which in my opinion is hard to do if you're texting multiple people at once.

I hope I am not trying to make this guy seem like the perfect guy who is just under unfortunate circumstances, because I know that is not the case. I'm not actively looking for a relationship to be honest, but because he is the type of person that I'm very much attracted to in the long run, I see myself wanting to be in a relationship with him. And in regards to the comment about fate driving us to be together, I wasn't specifically referring to meeting on Grindr, haha. I was referring to how we've continued to keep in touch for months even though it's long distance, when normally I'd lose touch with a person after a few weeks, and also how he was given the opportunity to come to Atlanta and we could see each other. Things like this normally don't happen to me.

@dfiant (not letting me quote your post either...): This is exactly what I'm afraid of, and I have all too often been taken advantage by guys when I allow myself to be vulnerable. Normally, if someone was to tell me that they are in an open relationship, it would be an automatic red flag for me. I have to admit I haven't felt a red flag when I'm talking with this guy, but maybe I should.

[azulai]

hi, gastudent. Thanks for replying back.

The fate thing was me saying I thought you were being a bit dramatic. :tongue: I was trying to bring you back to earth and reality. :biggrin:

You know, he probably is a nice guy but just be careful in your hopes and expectations. Listen very carefully to how he says things and exactly what he tells you. He probably is telling you the truth but sometimes we surface listen and get the gist of things and that mingles with what we hope someone is saying, and leads us on dashed hopes. You are very emotionally tied to this guy and I'm afraid, he may not be on the same page as you.

Does he know you want him to leave his partner? Have you really talked about this? It's just, does HE know what you are planning? You might need to be honest with him and tell him your heart is getting involved and see what his response is. It's very difficult for someone to leave what is comfortable, secure and "known." Maybe slow down a bit. Just be careful.

[gastudent]

Hah, sorry. I tend to have a mentality that everything happens for a reason and was probably delving a little too deep into it.

It's been hard trying to gather up all my thoughts about everything into writing, but in spite of that, my mind actually feels a lot clearer now. In response to your first question, I don't think I've ever truly given him the impression that I want him to leave his partner, nor do I really want to give that impression either. That should be his decision in the long run. Thinking it over, the most I have told him is a couple times I'm attracted to him and once something about how I wish he were single and how I missed out. Yet, I'm adamant that he has realized I care about him in more than a platonic way. At first, it seemed safe to me that we were only long-distance pen pals, then I started developing feelings for him, and now it seems he is starting to show some feelings as well (he did try to kiss me after all). It would be a bit presumptuous to bring up the fact that I want him to leave his partner when everything still feels new and I don't know exactly where he stands on everything.

And you're right; in the end he would be leaving a relationship of comfort, stability, and security, for something that neither one of us knows will even work out. We've only been talking for a few months, which in comparison to a guy he's known for around six years (not to mention his partner makes a lot more money than I ever will) is not too significant.

Taking into consideration everyone's advice, I feel a lot more comfortable about everything. One of my main dilemmas was whether I should be involved in such a situation. I have yet to truly regret anything I've done up to now. I feel that my intuition has guided and will continue to guide me down the right path. However, I'm going to avoid dwelling too much on the future and not try to rush/complicate anything. If he goes through the trouble of seeing me again (which I hope happens and soon), then that will be a clearer indicator to me that there is something special for both of us. Then, I think I - and maybe he too - will want to talk about where we see ourselves in each other's life. I just hope this doesn't make me a homewrecker! Lol

So basically, I'm just going to go with the flow for now haha. I won't deny I hope that a romance could ensue, but I also won't write off any other guy I happen to meet in the near future either.

[Sydneymutung]

I am almost facing the same dilema.

[Rainbowmum]

Sweetie , I am going to be completely honest and to the point.

Who does he go home to at night?

You deserve so much more than he is willing to give you.