Hi boys,
I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place. Maybe it should be in the 'coming out' section but I'm not sure. Either way - I need your advice.
Basically, I need some advice. I had a lot of sex with girls when I was in university but in the last three or four years I haven't had any sex. I'm still attracted to girls but not confident around them anymore. I'm not attracted to the vast majority of boys but when I masturbate I fantasize about gay sex and when I watch porn it's almost always gay porn. I find gay porn extremely arousing and hot and fantasizing about sex with men is far more satisfying than fantasizing over girls but once I've come I don't like gay sex.
It seems to me like I'm gay and perhaps it's denial but I haven't had any gay experiences and don't want to have one that culminates in me leaving quickly or kicking someone out and regretting it. I once met a guy online and had him come round to mine but as soon as he arrived I chickened out and asked him to leave.
Personally, I think I'm probably bisexual and possibly gay but the fact I have never experienced anything sexual with another man makes me think that I can't say that. I don't think I can have sex with another man but I feel as though I desperately want to - especially when I'm feeling loose (often from alcohol or marijuana). But that would probably lead to more regret if it's not so.
I was just wondering what this means and what similar experiences any of you may have had whilst coming to terms with your identity. Am I gay or bisexual or am I just a sexually repressed guy who likes gay porn? I dunno whether that even makes sense.
Thanks for reading, please let me know your advice.
x
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I think you are bi...
But I dont think that is the focus of the problem.
You say that you dont want to regret after you try being with a guy.
But would you not regret never finding out your preferences if you did not try it out with a guy?
I know that I am the kind of person that would rather try and regret it later than keep wondering and regretting not trying when I had the opportunity to.
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Only you deep down can decide that. :-) some straight guys can have an experience I'm sure a lot of people have had a gay experience. At the end of the your sexuality is only a very small part of you and there are other qualities that define you. Maybe explore this side of yourself slowly and don't feel pressured in any way to act upon it. There is nothing stopping you from trying this out and hey if you like guys that's good but if you wanna stick to girls it also good :-) just don't pressure yourself and Im sure it will end up fine.
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there is some necessity in figuring this out. Prevent your self from get into a gay or straight relationship you just cant sustain. Find out your gay with children and a wife is always a classic entrapment.
-try not to put a label on it. Yes you might be straight or gay or somewhere in between. Become comfortable with your self. Your BI may be only a bridge, maybe not.
-Being gay is the ability to carry on a successful same sex relationship, this includes sex and the standard list of a lot of other things; communication, respect. Porn, even a one night trick, is not a good measure of anything as you can get your self off.
so be honest with the people you would meet but consider volunteering at a local lgbt center. Join a gay football league and or theater group. join a gay sportbike club, whatever. Most people dont have gay friends, experience the culture with and with out the sex. A gay bar is just a bar, not any different save the same sex thingy.
safe sex thing; get tested and know the risks, characteristics of the diseases and their detection.
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Thanks for the input boys. I don't think the knowing gay people is a problem - I know a lot of gay people. I think as much as anything is just I'm confused. And maybe 'regret' is the wrong word. I find the idea of gay sex extremely arousing and it's something I really want. I convince myself that I do and at times I'm 100% sure I'm gay but when I do masturbate and fantasize over it I immediately tell myself that I'm not. I'm not from a backward family or religion or anything where being gay might cause friction so this is probably all me. I agree that I need to try being with a guy completely but my problem is how I might react afterwards - will I feel weird and uncomfortable about it? I think I will but it's something I need to do so I guess the question is how did you deal with that? Did you feel similar ways before you knew you were gay or bi and if so how did you deal with it? It's less for my sake but I don't want to try it then be rude or dismissive of my partner because I'm thinking about myself - hope that makes sense.
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The word is homosexual not homoSEXual - there is not really an emphasis on the sex part.
Sexuality regardless of how it manifests (gay, bi, straight) is not all about lust and who you have sex with. It is about deeper emotions, how you connect with a person, love, commitment, blah.
Porn (or jacking off to porn) is not the same thing as sexuality. It is fantasy. Watching gay porn and liking it and deciding you're gay is like saying that since you watch Star-trek the Next Generation you are a Star-fleet officer.
No where did you discuss your feelings on things like matrimony, settling down and life long commitment. No where have you discussed what you look for in a life partner beyond sex.
If all you are looking for is a tight hole to stick your dick in, then its just a bit of pleasure - fucking a hole in a tree trunk may be as effective as gay sex.
It is other things, like cuddling, talking, forming strong emotional bonds with a person that determines our true sexual orientation.
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Well, not sure if that's helpful at all. I'm not interested in "settling down", "matrimony", "life partners" or any of that stuff with men OR women. It's not me and it's not really what we're talking about. Fucking a tree trunk might help some people but would a tree trunk fuck me or blow it's load on my face? Probably not, and that's what I'm interested in discussing. You're right - nowhere did I discuss relationships. That's not part of my question. If my question was "I'm in a relationship with a man, am I gay?" then I think the answer would be pretty obvious. But yeah, thanks for simplifying everything in a way that completely makes light of my problem.
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I think it's something deep inside of yourself that you need to work out. It sounds like you're open to the idea, but deep down you're still unsure. I say try being with a guy or working on yourself and trying to figure this out instead of later down the road while married and fucking up a marriage you had just because you didn't figure it out sooner :/ Sorry for the rough advice but Ive heard this too many times from married men in their 50's and 60's either regretting not having seen where it led as apparantly with age their desire increased or not having just come out and saying they're gay.
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There isn't really anything such as 'bisexual' - bi is a phase where the individual feels comfortable enough to admit attraction to the same sex but not enough confidence to come fully out of the closet. You are gay, eventually you will be comfortable with who you are. Good luck!
P.S. your post aroused me
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