dlboy53 Wrote:You maybe a Poet, but did he ask for your input on what he wrote. If he did then fine but I sure did not see him ask for it. It clearly had some feeling to it for a reason.
Thanks for sharing your feeling and I'm sorry that you lost your detainer or what ever it was
Idk, usually when people publish a poem in any form, the intention is for it to be read and reacted to.
I'm sure it had feeling behind it, most people don't produce poetry without any feeling behind it, but feeling isn't enough to create a powerful poem, the OP can benefit and express himself more effectively if he works on better structure.
I lost all control, as I spiral to the ground.
Nothing I've tried has worked, where am I bound?
And the road ahead is empty, and there no one cares.
And my bed each night is lonely, and no one hears my prayers.
Once there was faith, love and the triumph of right
over wrong. But now I've fallen,
My prayers have gone un-answered,
now I live in darkness, far from any dawn.
I can't see the light of tomorrow, for what I've seen today.
Why would I want to stay, here
far from any dawn,
far from any dawn.
Just playing around with word choice and order, and line structure you can get something a bit more effective out of the same poem. Here what I've done is rewrite the first four lines into 5 beat iambic lines. They represent a sort of initial order. Then I broke it down into free verse to represent the sense of loss of order, and finished it off with some repetition to emphasize the sense of hopelessness. Still not a crazy fan of the imagery or content though.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
mile:
