Need some help figuring out my mindset..

[Rutstuck]

Ok so I'm gonna try to explain my situation the best I can and hopefully someone can see from the outside.. And if you could be flat out honest with me on what you think I would appreciate it...

I'm always had very low self esteem for as long as I can remember and I'm still dealing with it.. I'm always worried about how people will judge me wether it be how I pronounce words or walk funny or really stupid things like that a young adult should be past already that's highschool stuff but I still deal with it I just can't learn too see worth in me but I am talking to myself to be positive.. I've also developed this problem where Im constantly picking things people are saying out of conversations that I'm not part of and using them to fit into my view of myself so this started along time ago . One of the things I thought I've heard thjs man say about me(and I was high when I heard this) was that I was born a women and now look like a man .. This has fucked me up since then now I'm constantly always worried that people view me as a women and ive always been someone who doesn't really speak up in conversations but I'm sometimes afraid to because of fear that people think I might effiminant.. My therapist told me I don't look like a women and I know I look like a man bur I just don't understand why this is a sensitive subject.. I mean I don't feel like a women at all just not sure why this thought still occurs.. but I worry that people see me as one.. But my main concern is that I don't understand my sexuality... I know I can have sex with men and women but when I watch women on tv I have to play with myself a little bit to get it up but with thoughts about men I get a fast solid erection .. Same with porn but I noticed when it's women I sometimes have to extend my legs and I feel sort of stiff bodied when I cum.. But with men I don't tense my body up ... I also have this problem where I'm hanging out with freinds and I sometimes get worried they would catch me staring at their private by accident not intentionately.. I have this same problem with my parents I'm not trying to stare at their private parts but I get all wide eyed when I stare at them like I can't stand and talk face to face with them for more than 2 secs without moving around.. I'm like this with everyone I meet I have bad social anxiety to.. I am close with family though..

I just don't understand myself because I three times in the last few months I've talked to some women and started to get an erection wondering what it would be like to have sex with them.. And I don't normally do this with men but I have with really effeminate guys.. I'm actually getting one right now but when I think of a women it's not as easy but I can and I do enjoy sex with women and as far as a romantic relationship goes I could not see myself with a man because Ive never wanted that i just one to find a girl I can feel myself around..

I have had thoughts more than once that I may be gay but I just don't understand how I can be gay if I like to have sex with women and want to be with one you know?.. So Ive considered myself bi. Because of the fact I'm capable of having sex with a man preferably a tranny is something I want to try just need to meet one .. Ha but honestly what does all this seem like?

[ATXtoLA]

You say you're capable of having sex with a man, would it just be sex and nothing more with a guy? And you would want to be in a relationship or date a girl instead of a man, but are worried that the girl would think you're too effeminate? Just trying to understand it, sorry if it's rude or something

cuz it just sounds like you're horny. you say you're looking at guys & girls private parts and get worried they'll catch you checking them out. but who doesn't want to see what someone is packing? whether it be tits or dick. it's okay to check someone out, that is normal. as far as the thinking youre a woman....

cut back on the weed. I used to smoke constantly and had to take a break b/c i started taking other peoples words and conversations and applying them to my life when they had nothing to do with me. it caused severe paranoia where I couldn't go to a restaurant or movie theater, let alone a room with more than two people in it. take a break from getting high, like i did, and see if the paranoia goes away. it might make you feel more secure about how effeminate you really aren't and up your self-esteem.

this is totally my first reply, hope i didn't over do it.

[myapple]

You have really bad anxiety is what it seems like to me. You need to relax and just breathe. Try meditating, soul searching, something relaxing. Find yourself. You worry way too much about what other people think of you. Don't consider yourself anything. This is one of the the exact reasons why labels are stupid. They're confusing and sometimes make no sense. Don't let society's definitions of sexuality define you. As corny as this sounds, be who you wanna be.

& Like ATXtoLA said, maybe you should leave the marijuana alone. Drugs tend to make people think way too much about nothing.

[ATXtoLA]

You have really bad anxiety is what it seems like to me. You need to relax and just breathe. Try meditating, soul searching, something relaxing. Find yourself. You worry way too much about what other people think of you. Don't consider yourself anything. This is one of the the exact reasons why labels are stupid. They're confusing and sometimes make no sense. Don't let society's definitions of sexuality define you. As corny as this sounds, be who you wanna be.

& Like ATXtoLA said, maybe you should leave the marijuana alone. Drugs tend to make people think way too much about nothing.

i second everything he just said.