Unemployment affecting my relationship

[Sil]

Hey everyone,

woke up at 6am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep so I thought I'd post up here about my worries because you guys are always so damn awesome at dealing with stuff like this.

My partner is at the end of his patience and sanity regarding his long-term unemployment; I can really see it in his heart now that he has all but lost hope, and it's hurting me so much to see him in pain. I've tried finding jobs for him, and he makes god knows how many applications a day, he really is trying, but it's like he sees no point to life anymore other than for our sake. I'm going to bed most nights now worried about him, because of his personality type, because each day I see him lose a little pride and happiness and it's heartbreaking. I'm carrying this worry around every day because we're madly in love but we just can't get anywhere -_- I'm sure we're not alone in this in the current climate.

How can I stay motivated? How can I hold onto a relationship that keeps waking me up at 6am and always leaves me worried for the future?

We've had so many good times and I feel like I'm the only good thing left in his life at the moment, and the responsibility of it is driving me crazy. It sounds selfish and maybe it is, but I'd love to be cared for and reassured, but I'm always the one supporting and making dreamy promises just to keep bailing out the ship. It would make my year to here my hubby say he's found something, and he's met some new friends, and he's got a plan; but it's like that day never comes.

It's almost funny in a way to think of this recession as having an emotional cost as well as a fiscal.

He's a good man and a hard worker, and it's easy to see why he thinks odds are stacked against him when so much sh*t keeps cropping up in his way. An interview to get turned down, a workscheme that costs him precious money to attend, another promise, another scheme, another bureucratic screw up. I long for good news, we both do. When we first went out I've seen him work hard doing technical support (he worked in IT), organising teams and doing overtime. He had good friends, and desires, and even a little confident streak. I want those things back for him, to keep him healthy and well.

He can be difficult, and stubborn, and occasionally his attitude to the world stinks; he loses his temper easily and doesn't have grades or prestige to really lift his CV/resume' ... He's also hard-working, smart, loyal, and great with people he likes...But...

This morning I just woke up and felt screwed. I can't live without him and yet I think someday I will have to; he scares me so much and I'm waiting for the phonecall he's ran away or done something I can't bear to think about. It's happened before, and he has no family support and a lot of emotional baggage. It's like watching somebody drive along the edge of a cliff and just hoping they don't topple over, makes me cry sometimes... If there's any deity out there I'm just making an open wish to make this climate of fear and poverty stop, not just for my partner and I but all the people out there who are suffering through this recession.

It's been 18 months now and I'm finding it hard to keep smiling through all the worry and telling him it'll be alright. I have my photography business starting up and maybe someday I could support us both, but he doesn't want help really. I'm at my wits end right now.

thanks for reading if you got this far... How do I keep myself sane when the best thing in my life is just about ready to crack?

[fenris]

Hi Sil,

it is very important to work ..but the kind of work is not really important ... you know, I´m at home...since January I´m retired... but I always do something. Caring my animals, working at my Homepage.... I never spend so much time of the day for my own as now. My man said last week after 2 days with me and my stuff he need 3 days holidays *G

So my advice is : Take care that your man has something to do ... and important it that he thinks it is HIS Idea *G
Let him do something social... like reading books in a retirement home .... buy yourself something what needs care... and tell him after a while you have not enough time to do it alone. Let him go out with the dogs in the neighbourhood.... or sort your porn-pics by name and date ...*G

Maybe it sounds strange ... but for the soul it is not important to earn money ... but it is very important to let the brain work....
Watch for his Hobbys ...maybe that gives you an Idea what he can do .. BUT : let him never feel that you think about his "doing nothing".... Ask him for help... do what you can to to make him feel you need him ... And if you think you found something what he can to.... don´t say that he HAS it to to ... let him think it is HIS idea .... and it will work.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

The economy sucks right now. Get used to it. We are in a depression (The Great Recession - no, just a depression).

Understand that there are millions without a job who are also looking, and really it doesn't matter if you come with papers or not - many companies (at least here in the USA) are NOT hiring unemployed people. :o

Yeah how does that work? They are hiring people who already have a job before considering people who need/want a job.

Some areas the job scene is worse than others. While some local economies are rebounding, a lot of others are still in a free fall.

So there is a really good chance he is going to be unemployed for a few more years - yes I said years. Get used to that idea.

Us gays have it a bit harder than the straights. Its not like we get to stand up in front of a crowd of people and pay lip service to the vows of "Better and worse, sickness and in health, for richer and poorer until death do us part"

For 14 years my partner and I have lived those unspoken vows. And like it or not, this is one of those periods which are worse and poorer.

It is real easy to stay in a relationship where its richer and better and everyone is healthy. Any idiot can breeze through a relationship if everything is going well.

The test of love - real love - is not found in the happy times, it is found in the tempests and torture that comes with failing economies, strings of bad luck and failing health of one or both members of that relationship.

Love is not just all the great sex and sharing chuckles and beer - love is also sharing the worry, the pain, the misery of your partner.

You called your man 'Hubby' I take that to mean husband.

If you consider him your husband I strongly suggest you think about those traditional wedding vows. No where are you promised nothing but good times, and those vows do cover the bad times, the illnesses, the financial struggle, and the rest of the crap that life has a habit of throwing at you from time to time.

Why should you stick with him? I don't know. Why do you call him Hubby? Why do you feel that your relationship is one of a marriage?

Once you answer that to yourself, then you may understand why you will stick it out no matter what happens.

Love is a harsh mistress - AKA a cold bitch. Ain't love grand. :tongue:

[Zet]

From a fellow unemployed man I have to agree, its like a bad circle, the longer ones spend unemployed the harder it will get to get a work. But just by doing nothing and just sitting still, it will eat you alive. Sometimes school was a living hell, and there were times where I hated my job and I felt chest pain cause of all the stress but without hope, you wont come anywhere... And you can't just simply get hope from doing nothing. Just try to be supportive and help him feel useful, so he will atleast have something to lean back on. Everyone wants to feel needed, to feel useful, to feel appreciated.

[pellaz]

In sickness and in health. It could just as well be you for what ever reason.

dont give up:frown: it is not going to be any better with anyone else. Even if you were single by your self, you have someone to talk to.

It is difficult to put a type A person at ease when he is suffering from nothing to do. See if this works:
-sound interested in his job hunt, dont offer a lot of suggestions, just a few but rather let him talk. Easy does it but talk about his day, make sure he gets outside, he does some small tasking about the flat.
-incorporate him into your photography, a little bit at the start
-can you get a pet cat, would they allow it where you live serous, get a very old animal.

a tiny little bit every so often adds up stay with him, maybe he dosnt show it but he depends on YOU.

let us know what works if at all, we will think of something

.

[dlboy53]

Everyone so far has said good hings but I will add that he might start looking at lowering his job criteria/ expectations, and start back at the bottom. That's what I have done, Do I like what I'm doing, no but I can say that recently things are looking up for me because I bit my pride and lowered my standards.

Last but not least support him in every way you can.

[Nick9]

Hi Sil,

I admit that last year I was emotionally somewhere where your partner is.

he scares me so much and I'm waiting for the phone call he's ran away or done something I can't bear to think about.

It's real. Try to keep telling him that it is you two against the world. At the end I felt alone, like an outsider who won't be missed, because all people around seemed to be more successful and knew how to cope with this strange time. I should have told someone from my family how I felt to feel the support.

I don't have any other advice for you. It's the same here I've just read that not only the retirement will be possible in our seventies, not sooner, but also the money you will be given will be so small, that it will be impossible to live having just this income. So, we are advised to save money for the future. How can we save money, when millions of people are living from one paycheck to the other... I have no idea.

[Sylph]

I don't want to be that idiotically optimistic person, who everyone hates, because he sees the possibilities in everything, but I'm going to be him :biggrin:

Hi, I'm Mr. Optimistic

Now I haven't a lick of a clue as to what's going on in America, monetary-wise, but I do know this, and it's universal;

Creativity, Imagination, Vision[not the literal vision].

What the heck is that supposed to mean you say?

Basically, as long as he has these things, then he shouldn't be a Debbie Downer. No offense.

When I graduated last year, I tried to go to college... went for a semester, ran out of money, couldn't find a job, oh well... had to drop out.

Okay that happened...

So I took my Musical Background of 18 going on 19 years now, and put it out there. I earned the odd dollar here and there, tutoring little kids, whose parents I knew.

Yay a few dollars in my pocket. All because I used my Creativity. I didn't sit there after college and rejected job offers and say; "Well, it's time to die then" .

I've always been a very "Mind/Thought" oriented person, always thinking of things... always. So my Imagination allows me to do things a person who doesn't see things in the whole can't. I don't focus on little things, but I'm much more of a big picture sort of person. Unless I'm required to focus on the small things, then I do, which is also a part of Vision.

It may not make sense to some, as I'm very erratic in my thoughts, but generally I think it should be relatable.

I also had/have an extremely extensive knowledge of animals and most things related to them [habitats/foods/diseases/poisons/bio-chemistry/genetic make-up/etc] and yeah, I'll boast alittle about that:biggrin:. I used that and have now found myself working in the Zoo, a perfect place to showcase those skills.

Basically, he should take what he knows, even if it isn't his primary skill, and monopolize it.

He could be good at knitting or making things... why not do that? It doesn't have to be super professional, but it's something. And alot of people [here at least] sell little trinkets at various markets/thrift stores for a couple of dollars.

It's not the end when one door closes. Anyway, doors open from both sides, so you never know. He could walk through the door, be denied a job and walk back through it and discover a long hidden passion of which he can be really good at and could potentially make money off of.

I've never understood how people stress over things... Things have always worked for me, one way or the other, wether I'm just lucky, or because I make things work for me... one of the two

I really do hope you guys get back on your feet, but he should definitely be able to see that doing what he knows isn't the only thing he knows how to do.

Life isn't just black and white.

Some IT technicians can sing Opera, some Construction workers might be good at Art. It's just not as simple as losing your job and that's it.

The most complex things are the simplest things, but the simplest things are never complex.


[I'm not crazy... I swear? lol]

[matty7]

oh Sil, wish i could wave that magic wand to make things better mate -

please dont laugh at this very out there suggestion!!! the only thing i can think of the your hubby hasn't tried is simply got to a firm/factory/supermarket...well anywhere really and just offer his services free for a week just to prove to them that he is a hard worker and deserves the chance of a job - obviously the bigger the place the better chance.... im sure any manager hearing this request would be impressed that he is willing to do this - if anyone does take him on even temp he can still look around for other jobs still - i know its a strange idea to work for free but maybe its the thing that can set him apart from the thousandsof applications firms must be getting


Sil - no idea how to help you keep it together except to remember that if you happy once then it can be just like again - you just need all this bad luck to reverse mate, hang in there and lets hope it happens sooner than later for u both

[Pix]

On the vein of working for himself (assuming this isn't "jobism" a psychological condition where one puts prime importance on joining a team and having someone give out assignments and paychecks for a job well done as opposed to other avenues of getting by more for the validation than the pay itself), I'd like to suggest ideas that he helped run private tutoring or private repair business. He doesn't need a truck and a simple cardboard box (or even design on your car if you have one and that's acceptable) can get your name & number out there, and good to have a catchy one liner to get people's attention and otherwise keep it simple. Another slightly more complicated version is to put up an ad (the simpler the better) advertising his services with his phone number or whatever on the bottom in easily removable strips (easily made that I'm assuming I don't have to explain this). It's more complicated because you typically need permission to put up such fliers.

Another thing a technically inclined friend of mine did was go to Goodwill bins and buy junk very cheap, fix it, and sell it for a lot. As his first example I found a keyboard (ETA: I mean the electronic musical instrument) that didn't work in a dollar bin and took it to him knowing he was good with electronics and just asked for a "finder's fee" based on commission. To my shock he fixed it in less than an hour and with parts less than $10 and then advertised it for sale and in less than a month sold it for $300. After that he cut me out of the middle and started shopping Goodwill bins and other thrift stores and made a lot of good money on the side.

And I've found libraries invaluable for learning to expand one's skills. And if I wanted a book the library didn't have I could usually get the reference librarian to ILL (Inter Library Loan) it for cheap or even free.

Unfortunately, I do believe we're in a depression now and that means it's harder for people to spend on things (though with competitive prices your guy could undercut the competition) and I've felt it myself. At first the thrift stores did extra good and so did I but as the economy worsened and shows no end in sight people are much less willing to pay for my services. However, it's not all bad. Where all the "jobism" people having lost their "real jobs" I still have income while they do not, and hopefully even that little bit of income can help his self-esteem AND may even be able to make him more "hire-able" (because he's already working!)