Sex Phobia

[ElfiexElfSeeker]

My grannie called me a pixie, even "Pix" which is why I chose the name here (as I'd just seen her and she'd called me that again). I'd love to meet an Otherkin pixie (or 3) just to see what they're like.

I knew an Otherkin dragon and at first I just shrugged off her claim that she was a dragon in a human body. I didn't care one way or another about it, and while I didn't actually believe it I thought it made her interesting to be around. But I reconsidered not just because there was something subtly draconic about her but because I noticed that when she walked it was as if people subconsciously avoided her wings (that is, if she had wings). I've been curious and fascinated by Otherkin ever since, though (other than those claiming to be vampires or alien "walk ins" which seem somehow different to me) I've had very little experience (and no pixies yet).

Well you're in luck. I'm a Pixie Feykin. *grins* I have memories of living a life as a Pixie. And even before these memories people use to say I reminded them of a Pixie. One of my friends used that as a nickname for me too.

From my experience and memories, Pixies are not pretty little Flower Fairies. My mental image is of a very lithe, light boned creature about 6 inches tall with grassy hair worn under a pointed cap. The skin is light brown, with hues of green mixed in almost like moss, and some purple tinting as well. The wings are like dragonflies wings, except instead of two there are four. The eyes are enormous and black and slanted in the corners. Nose sizes very, and the lips are usually fairly small with an impish curl in the corners. And the ears are long, tapered and pointed.

If you want to see a drawing I did I'd be happy to send it through email. I don't have a high enough post count to post a pic or a link.

[Blue]

I know where you are coming from, Elf. I'm a survivor as well. As hard as it is the hear, there really is only so much a therapist can do, then it's up to us to take those tools they give us and do the rest ourselves.

You never forget, the scars never vanish entirely, the body memories will always be there to some degree and, your mind will, even if just a tiny bit, always fear acts that come closest to the worst of the abuse you endured.

You can imagine my struggle, anal was what I feared the most and, yet the actual physical sensation that go with anal were and still are fantastic to me. Worse than the fear, or the pain for me was getting past the fact that although my upbringing drilled into my mind that sodomy was wrong, evil, horrible and, my abuser did just that to me which was unwanted, undeserved, cruel and wrong in every possible sense of the word, I still enjoyed the actual physical sensations.

For me it was as much a fear of enjoying something that my subconscious still, to this day, would love to believe is awful and horribly wrong and a fear of the actual act. All of my conscious awareness, that it's normal, natural, pleasurable and good will NEVER change my subconsciousness and, never erase that tiny mental voice that insists it's wrong, and damaging to me, NEVER. That I have to live with, and push back but, that is what it takes to be a survivor and, truly overcome my past, and enjoy a rich, fulfilling sex life today

Yes, I realize that most who know me would never guess that I am a survivor, even my partners don't know if I don't tell them. At one time that seemed an impossible dream for me but, here I am as healed as I ever will be and, very much in control of the things that will never heal 100% No more medication, minor anxiety and depression issues, but nothing I can't recognize early and, get control of before it seriously affects my life, or ruins my personal peace and happiness.

So, how to begin to get past the fear? What is is about penetrative sex with a man that you actually fear? Be specific and keep it to yourself, or PM me if you like. Why do you fear that or those specific things? Is there anything you can think of that you would be okay, not 100% comfortable but, managably okay doing that would help you get past those specific fears? That might be writing a story about it, watching videos of it, even inserting small toys, or your fingers. It might be nothing at all right now and, that's okay too. The important thing is to break that giant fear down into smaller ones that might be easier to work on and manage.

Never give up, never give in - we have survived and, we can thrive.