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Be careful what you ask for . . .
#1
A man enters a restaurant, sits down and studies the lunch menu. A waitress approaches him and asks what he'd like. The man gives her a big smile and says:

"I think I'd like a quickie".

The waitress slaps him in the face and storms off.

The lady at the next table leans over and says:

"I think you'll find it's pronounced keesh".
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