Hard by a great forest dwelt a poor wood-cutter with his wife
and his two children. The boy was called Hansel and the
girl Gretel. He had little to bite and to break, and once when
great dearth fell on the land, he could no longer procure even daily
bread. Now when he thought over this by night in his bed, and
tossed about in his anxiety, he groaned and said to his wife, what
is to become of us. How are we to feed our poor children, when
we no longer have anything even for ourselves. I'll tell you what,
husband, answered the woman, early to-morrow morning we
will take the children out into the forest to where it is the
thickest. There we will light a fire for them, and give each of
them one more piece of bread, and then we will go to our work and
leave them alone. They will not find the way home again, and we
shall be rid of them. No, wife, said the man, I will not do that.
How can I bear to leave my children alone in the forest. The wild
animals would soon come and tear them to pieces. O' you fool, said
she, then we must all four die of hunger, you may as well plane the
planks for our coffins, and she left him no peace until he
consented. But I feel very sorry for the poor children, all the
same, said the man.
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so after 9years your partner wants to change?
at what point he want to stop?
after 9 years you guys have lots invested and if you cant talk it through look for some relationship counseling. Reading through your post your addiction its inter twined in you never found him physically attractive.
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I tried my 'physical type' over and over again. Until I realized that a huge part of the physical bleeds over to the character of the person and vice-versa. Part of the physical attraction for me was huge, planet sized egos which inevitably seemed to be attached to abusive personality types.
Personality can turn a plain-Jane into a sizzling hot individual. There is something to be said for 'confidence' in a person's bearing. On top of that, a person who knows they are good looking often works hard to maintain those looks, thus they have to have the personality type to invest that much time and energy at maintaining the facade.
So yes, you are going to run into the perpetual problem of personality disorders being attached to your 'physical type'.
As for you and your long term monogamous relationship. Sex problems, or lack of sex, or lack of interest after 9 years is a common affliction. The real problem you have is you turned to the spice of role playing in order to make sex manageable early on. Us couples who have been together and have had same sex day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year for a decade or more turn to role-playing as a way to break through the mundane activities and the sense that we have been doing this forever.
There is more to a relationship than just sex and physical beauty.
I have no idea how old you are, but you are going to hit the time when men your age and yourself will be seeing grey, wrinkled, sagging skin. Blemishes abound, muscle tone slips away, and the general aches and pains of daily life lead to your groaning when you climb into bed.
Perhaps part of your problem is you have spent nearly a decade in this situation and you are feeling trapped. Suddenly more aware that your 20's or your 30's are coming to a close and you are losing out on the fantasy potential of meeting 'Mr. Right' that perfect archetype that only exists in your mind.
If you get along with your mate, and are comfortable with him in everything else, he is a keeper and you have a great relationship.
Don't throw that away over sex and physical appearances.
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It's hard to find a Mr.Right, that both physically and spiritually attractive to each other.
Sometimes you are lucky enough to find such a person, there might be unmanageable factors could break you up.
So at times one has to make compromises.
I don't think you've made a bad decision. It's just a compromise.
And indeed it gave you 9 years of happiness, and many more years on the way.
Sex won't be a big deal after so many years being together.
When I was in the 7th year of my first relationship, we had sex maybe once every 2 or 3 months.
He's more like a brother of mine.
You guys won't have problems even without sex.
But still wish you find your way to get it back on track.
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Sex comes and goes. It's like seasons. Doesn't mean you've got to stop living. If the only thing that kept you going for 9 years is your love for his personality... have you found reason to fall out of love with it?
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Thank you all for the words of wisdom. I have no intention of leaving just wondering where to from here really. I know sex isn't everything but it is important and I can't and don't want to Imagine my life without it. Im not sure I could stay in a sexless relationship. I suppose we will just have to try and find a way forward. By the way we are both mid 40s and so I guess we are on the threshold of old age which is scary, its like the beginning of the end. I can see the beginnings of the physical changes happening which is not sexy in any way. Do people get to a point when they just no longer have sex with each other? If so then what? do you have an open relationship and set some rules about it? Im open to considering that in the future if it gets to that.
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