Really need help with coming out

[behrens2001]

I know it is nothing new, but every time when I think whether I should come out, I become very very depressed..Can you guys save me?? Please..

First, I live in totally two different lives when I am with people in the day and when I am alone at night in a gay bar and make out with dudes..In the day, I talk about women with other guys and act as if I am a total bro, but at night I become who I really am but I do not even want to talk to anyone. I use a different name, different attitude when people are trying to talk with me in a gay bar and all i want to do is make out and sex..I really hate myself for being like this..I recently have become especially depressed when thinking about this..

Second, my parents absolutely cannot accept me being gay. Of course I've never told them before but I tried to talk about gay issue with them, or saying something like "my friend turns out to be gay blahblahblah", my parents simply could not accept it. I think literally this is the most painful thing in the world, that the people who love me the most, and who I love the most, will not understand me, and might completely abandon or loath me for something that is a part of me..Because of this, I've never told anyone in my entire life that im gay.. Because of this, I am under such a big pressure that makes me cry to myself all the time..

Third, I am scared of losing lots of my friends if coming out. Most of my guy friends are fraty boys who like to joke around. I am sure if i tell them that I am gay, they will treat me differently, and abandon me for a lot of their activities, etc. However, although now they are friends with me, they are friends with someone that is not really me..ughh..i feel so depressed..

I know people will call me a coward, which I think I am..I am very extroverted but when it comes to this issue i am so negative..Can people help me? I desperately need advice cause, due to a lack of communication with people, I dont even know what shitting things I might do in the future..thanks..

[princealbertofb]

Behrens, you are a Gemini, which means that you can easily adopt that double personality, maybe more easily than others... at least on the surface.
Unfortunately, being this divided in your personality is leading you to deeper and deeper confusion and depression which is not a good thing. It's starting to take its toll because, as you say, you are forced to be someone you are not and you are gradually losing your self worth, and are realising that you are either a hypocrite or a dirty old liar. How can you possibly feel good about yourself in this case? The answer is you can't.

One of these days, you'll have to face it. You've already made the big step of accepting that you are gay and saying the words. Come on, you've written it here yourself.

So, if you can accept the fact that you're gay, why is it so complicated for others to accept it? Ok, I'll agree with you, the signs of acceptance are not numerous in your entourage and so the impression of being trapped is particularly accute.

I would suggest that you get some counselling but can you afford it? Your profile says you are living in New York, are we talking about the city, or the state? There should be some gay groups that you can join, (and I'll insist that these are not places to hook up and have easy sex) in which you might find some help in coming out and at least the support that you lack from your family and friends at the moment. You won't be the first one to have lived through such a combination.
Could you find some time to contact one of these groups and to go to one of the meetings?

You have not really explained why your parents won't tolerate your being gay. Is it cultural, religious? Which culture and which religion? It might help us to know. You are certainly not giving them much credit for being understanding... Are you sure you are reading their reactions well? It is quite a different thing to accept gays as a concept and to have to deal with it on a personal basis. My mother and father have said things that I interpreted as being unaccepting, but once faced with the evidence, they have proved to be much more supportive than I had expected. Could you tell us why you think they won't tolerate or accept one of their children being gay? I'll admit that they won't want to be hearing about your sex escapade and one night stands. Avoid talking about that.

For your depression, you could ask your doctor to help out. After all the doctor has to keep information confidential, so maybe you'd be brave enough to tell him or her about it.

In any case good luck with the outcome, but I really think you'd be doing yourself a big favour by owning up to the fact that this can no longer be kept secret from the people that mean the most to you. Have you got a nice (girl) friend (and I don't mean girlfriend) or a relative who might be the first recipient of the news? An uncle or an aunt, a cousin? A grandma? A godfather or godmother? Practising on someone who is sympathetic and won't judge you is a way to ease your way into telling people. Once you've told one person, it gets easier to tell others, because either you've made a mistake about the fuss, or you'll be more ready to take the blows head on. You may, by then have constituted a base of friends to fall back upon too, in case things get really heated with your family. Do you have any relatives nearby that could put you up, in case your parents decide to ask you to leave?

[pellaz]

you need to accumulate some gay affirming friends. Make the bar experience work this way but also you might volunteer, join gay clubs etc. A girl friend hag works well for a gay man.

coming out you are going to loose some of your straight friends, most are going to say "what ever makes you happy" This is a difference between an acquaintance and a true friend.

you have to ask your self why you want to come out. Its is really necessary if you get a boy friend. You dont owe your parents this if they are not willing to support you emotionally as a gay man.

[archubbycub]

One of the biggest "wow moments" for me was when I told a friend of mine that I'm gay. This was someone I'd known for some time now and though we'd never talked about gay issues, from other things we had talked about I figured he was anti-gay. But right after I told him, he looked me dead in the eyes and said, "So? You're still you. You just happened to like guys." And he gave me a big grin. I say all that to tell you that once you accept it for yourself, the rest of it sir of starts rolling downhill so to speak. But like I said in another thread on here, you only have one life in which to be happy and you have to do what makes you happy."

[Jayd]

This is certainly a double and likely unhealthy life you are living. Not that having sex and making out with guys is unhealthy. It's the fact that you are hiding this portion of yourself that is perpetuating your focus on sex and alcohol.

Like pellaz said above, find some gay friends outside of the bar scene. In activism, in clubs, in other parts and walks of life. If you need to, use an online dating site. Ok Cupid works well and has a great queer scene who isn't into just partying and such. You may not be ready to date these guys, but, I think having some queer friends, even some lesbian friends or trans friends or queer in any way, is a great way to get ready to come out.

I wrote a top rating article on this subject, I hope no one minds me shamelessly promoting myself. Problems which can occur when gay men and women stay in the closet.

Also, are you independent of your parents? Or still dependent? This can influence whether you should come out or not. I also feel that your bro friends aren't really good friends if they are going to ditch you over something as silly as orientation!!! It's going to be tough and rough, but, you will likely need to reform your friend group when you come out. But, you might be surprised at those who you never expected to be accepting. They sometimes turn out to be your biggest allies!

Like my brother Tim who is a Marine! He use to be a big old homophobe. Now he is working as an activist and volunteer to defeat the anti-gay amendment that the right is trying to get into the Minnesota Constitution. - Thanking my immediate family - my brother Tim!

[Buring]

So I had somewhat almost the same problem coming out myself.
I was so afraid of how people would hate me, and how this and that....It destroyed my confidence for a long time.
Luckily, and hopefully you can find someone like this for yourself.
I met some awesome people, who live right next door, that gave me advice, helped me through a hard time and gave me one good piece of advice.
I'll share it with ya Mostly because, it's so true.


"if the people you consider friends can't accept you for who you are, they are not true friends, and don't deserve to be part of your life!"

I'll also tell you, for probably..7 years while I was "hiding"
I had terrible social anxiety, and would sometimes feel depressed on days.
I repressed so much simply to hide it, and it became so difficult that it ruined what made me, me.
I would say, do not worry about what some friends may think...If you're going to have friends they have to accept you for you, and being gay isn't you!
Being gay is just the preference of relationships you like.

What makes you, is the stuff you do, not who you like.

As for your parents, I gotta say... The guys next door who I talked to, told me my father probably had a good idea of me being gay.
He was right on the mark, my dad told me he suspected it but he just never could accept it.

If your parents cannot accept a "small" part of you, then that's shame on them.
Like I said, being gay is not you, it's only a small part.
What makes you, is how you are in every day life!
Which I am sure you're great!

Start by telling close friends, it becomes easier to say it out loud when you're telling friends.
Or for me it was at least....

You don't have to tell family right away, work your way up to family from going through friends you are confident will accept it.

And again, "if the people you consider friends can't accept you for who you are, they are not true friends, and don't deserve to be part of your life!"

I am here like... 24/7
And am always up for chatting, I might not be wise on the subject, but I can tell you my experience so far.

Not going to lie though, once I came out of the closet, which was like 2 weeks ago...I felt so much better about myself in general, and the people who I thought would absolutely not accept it and hate me, are even closer to me now!

When you hide a part of you, you tend to not be as open....
Even if they don't accept you, hold strong, be yourself!
You have a good support starting by using "gayspeak"
I am sure there are many here who will help you in anyway they can by speaking to you

(Sorry, I know I don't make lots of sense sometimes...I am a random person after all )

[behrens2001]

Its not about religion, its just because my parents, especially my mom, cannot accept anything that they think are not "right" to them. My mom is so stubborn that no matter how hard i try to explain to her that being homosexual isnt really a choice for most of the time and that she should not discriminate again gay people, she could not accept it and kept saying really mean things about homosexuals. And she kept telling me dont be gay..so annoying..I am really pissed at her and also feel really disappointed and hurt

You have not really explained why your parents won't tolerate your being gay. Is it cultural, religious? Which culture and which religion? It might help us to know. You are certainly not giving them much credit for being understanding... Are you sure you are reading their reactions well? It is quite a different thing to accept gays as a concept and to have to deal with it on a personal basis. My mother and father have said things that I interpreted as being unaccepting, but once faced with the evidence, they have proved to be much more supportive than I had expected. Could you tell us why you think they won't tolerate or accept one of their children being gay? I'll admit that they won't want to be hearing about your sex escapade and one night stands. Avoid talking about that.

[behrens2001]

I think most of my female friends and actually, a lot of guy friends are gay affirming, but it is just so hard for me to tell them that cause i've been living like this for my entire life, and the fact that once I tell them that im gay, there is no way back, makes me scared as hell..I am such a coward and pussy..

you need to accumulate some gay affirming friends. Make the bar experience work this way but also you might volunteer, join gay clubs etc. A girl friend hag works well for a gay man.

coming out you are going to loose some of your straight friends, most are going to say "what ever makes you happy" This is a difference between an acquaintance and a true friend.

you have to ask your self why you want to come out. Its is really necessary if you get a boy friend. You dont owe your parents this if they are not willing to support you emotionally as a gay man.

[behrens2001]

Im still dependent on my parents..and about my bro friends, i know a lot of them actually are pro gay too..i just..i dont know...im so worried about everything that i dont even know what exactly i am thinking..hate myself so much..

Also, are you independent of your parents? Or still dependent? This can influence whether you should come out or not. I also feel that your bro friends aren't really good friends if they are going to ditch you over something as silly as orientation!!! It's going to be tough and rough, but, you will likely need to reform your friend group when you come out. But, you might be surprised at those who you never expected to be accepting. They sometimes turn out to be your biggest allies!

[behrens2001]

Buring, i feel really happy for you..and honestly a little bit jealous too...so many people are jealous of me because i have best grades at school, very good career future, lots of friends, good looking, good body, seems to have a perfect family, but nobody knows my pain, nobody knows how jealous im of all the other people, nobody knows that i will sacrifice all my other “halo" if i can make the whole world accept us gay people..i love my parents, i dont wanna hurt their hearts; i love my friends, i dont want them to ditch me; there are too many things that I cannot give up..i know it sounds contradictory to my past point, but im a contradictory person anyway..