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New Here and Finally Accepting... I think

I'm a newly single mom, leaving a 12+ year marriage. I'd say I regret it, but I can't regret my two children who I love more than anything or anyone in the world.

Ever since high school, I've always wondered about my sexuality. Growing up Catholic plus having ("very mild") Aspergers Syndrome sure didn't allow for certain mindsets. I wanted so bad to be a good Catholic girl. Ha.

Basically, I pretty much accepted I *might* be bi since being a teen. I held on to the notion, figuring that if I could like guys, it'd work out okay. Married the only guy I was ever with. Never in an intimate relationship with anyone else. Made out with a couple of guys, but never pursued it.

Long story short... The ex and I didn't know it, but we both felt like we may as well get married then because who else would want us? He didn't know I felt that way, and I didn't know he felt that way. For years. I mean, we enjoyed things, but it just felt lacking.

So it turns out that one of my first girl crushes as a teen is actually gay. She knew back then but hid it. One of the other girls I liked then also turns out to be gay. How ironic is that?

I feel like a hypocrite because I've long championed gay rights "because I have friends I love who are gay." And yet, I still can't say it out loud. I can barely type it. What the hell is the matter with me? I'm also afraid of people giving me a hard time saying "You just feel that way because you have a broken heart." But no, I've felt like this a long time. No, I haven't kissed another girl, or anything, but the idea doesn't gross me out like kissing guys sometimes does.

Anyway, that's the nutshell of where I am. I put in my profile that I'm bi... but I don't know that it's true. That's where I'm confused. Life would be a lot less complicated because I could at least hope to have a semblance of "normal" in the conservative community where I live. But I think that's a joke.

Where's the line between bi and gay, if there IS one???

Of course, I haven't read through other introductions, but I bet this is the kind of thing you all have heard over and over.

Anyway, that's my complicated introduction. Because even if I was ready to date (which I am not), my situation right now makes it really, really difficult to even fathom.

Thanks ~GM

First, welcome to GaySpeak.

I was raised in a religious home that was very anti any sexuality except hetero and, that only if you were married so I understand what that does to you when you're questioning your sexuality.

I know, part of you mind is telling you it's wrong whatever you decide you are but, that's not the case. People can be anywhere on a whole range of sexuality and, not all of us fit one label.

For me, the deciding factor is what arouses you sexually when you see a body of that gender you like. As a gay man I can appreciated beautiful women for their beauty but, they could be the worlds most perfectly beautiful woman and I would not be aroused, on the other hand a mediocre to gorgeous man never fails to get me excited. I've got female friend whom I love as I would a sister, but it's just that, they are like family to me and, i would never consider them as a sexual partner.

Everyone is different and that's good, right, normal so whether you are heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, pansexual or, something in between or different that that, its all good. It's also good to question your sexuality and explore it. You never know what you might enjoy if you ignore what you mind and body likes.

I love to see "purty" boys (like the hunk who plays Thor), but, well, as long as they have their pants on. ;-)

But straight men in general almost always annoy me. There have been very few that I consider turn ons, but less so since allowing myself to think I don't *have* to like them. It's all so much in my head. From the heart, I have always, always connected with girls way better. Especially with my first crush. So much so that I avoided her somewhat because I didn't want her to get creeped out. So crazy that she came out years later. I was so mad!

Point being that some cute guys could be arousing, but only to a degree. If I was the one-night stand kind of person, I think that's the best I could say about that feeling. But if I could way easier see being around a girl, and mostly, emotionally.

For me, I think yeah, there's the arousal part, but the emotional part is more. It's so hard to say because I've never been romantic. My ex wasn't romantic. He tried a little but gave up. He was nice enough in a lot of ways, but he ended up bitter and subtly nasty.

I don't know if this makes any sense. Maybe I'm just rambling because this looks like a safe place to do so. I just don't know. 8^/

So, this may be the blind leading the blind and this may not mean much coming from a guy, but I feel I need to respond. I think I'm gay. Reason: Physical and sexual attraction to guys. Now I have had crushes on guys before so, it's not all just horny, but I have seen a few women that I wonder if they could a potential spouse.

You see, I liked girls and had attractions toward guys all throughout school. I pretty much said I was straight but guys were just sexy. However, as time went on, I really developed a strong interest in men. I am 34 years old and have not had a relationship with a woman or a man. I did have a girlfriend for two months in high school though. I recently accepted the fact that maybe I am gay and have made some strides toward finding out or finding a guy I could spend my time with.

I'm telling you this because I am the kind of person who will go after something that I really want. If I have no interest, I really don't pursue things. I find it interesting that at 34 years old I have had minimal interest in finding a girlfriend or wife all this time. I've been perfectly content with "eye candy" basically looking and being aroused by guys. I decided to see what this attraction to guys is all about. For the last 8 months I have spent time trying to explore my sexuality with guys. I haven't done anything sexual, but I have gone to a night club several times or joined blogs, created a profile on sites, all because I'm interested in guys. When I realized I might be gay, I jumped on it but I have had plenty of time to pursue women, but haven't.

I commend you for realizing that maybe you just married because you felt you should. That's how I feel. I think the concept of finding a beautiful girlfriend and then making her my wife would keep people from judging me. My family, who I know is questioning my sexuality, would be so thrilled and breath a little easier. I think that's what would make me get married. I could be completely wrong here. Maybe I'm just lustful toward men and need to suck it up and just meet a woman and be done. But I feel like I at least want to have a relationship with a guy because I know I really like them. Don't get me wrong women can be glamorous and I guess having one on your arm makes a man look good and earns the respect of others.

The only thing I can do now is try a relationship with a guy. The only way for you is to try to have a relationship with a woman. Who knows what will happen? Who knows what we'll find out.

Sounds like we're in similar places, just opposite genders! ;-)

It's extra complicated for me because I can't just go out and see. I moved back to my hometown, which is really conservative, and I have my two children. My ex knows I'm at least bi, but I don't know how he'd react if I had a relationship with another woman that turned into something. My daughter would probably be fine, but my son is a little kid who still thinks it's messed up that his mommy and daddy aren't together. I mean, he tried to trick me into tell his daddy "I love you" over the phone (clever for a 4yo). Even if I was ready to see, it's not like I have a babysitter. 8^/

But at the same time, I am lonely. I'm around the kids 24/7 because I don't work (health issues) and can't afford a sitter.

Such is life, right?

Welcome! Wavey

Gossamer, have you ever considered finding a female cyber partner? It isn't the real thing, but it is a lot closer to it and, might be a kid safe way for you to mentally explore a relationship with a woman.

Guess I'm a little afraid of online relationships. 8^/

As long as the other person never gets any of your personal information and, they understand that it's online ONLY, I've never had a problem with it.

Welcome to the forum

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