It's clear you're suffering from grief and depression, with trepidation and repressed anger that seems like it's killing you.
It's been about twelve years now and I'm fine. The "love of my life" who destroyed me is a door-to-door whore running a "massage" service. He aged a lot worse than me and I guffawed when our youngest boy last showed me a picture "He looks like a rock with eyes! BwaHa!" He has a ridiculous and sexually gross, totally materialistic life which suits him. The stupid bullies he was born of have to spend all that "face" energy, but big fat fakes was what they always were, so it suits me well enough that they have given all and all their time to pretending - who would want those dumb mean bastards around real people with a ounce of class anyway?
Yes I remember it all - but it all changed and I let it throw me into a suicidal depression that wasted too much of my life and I had already wasted too many years with probably the only deeper, longer term love I will ever know.
I didn't have to learn to be more emotionally independent - that came naturally as a condition of being so utterly alone while I spent my time healing poor sick people and feeding the animals I took in that became Ozark Animal Sanctuary, where you never have to leave and we have no chains or pens.
You'll get over the money thing when you're able to architect a manageble home that is home for you and your dogs who are looking to you and need you. But you won't do it until you've hurt yourself enough because he's gone and/or in the vain and heart breaking hope that someone will notice and give a shit. That even a stranger would walk right up and say "I'm so sorry your heart is broken, you seem like such a beautiful guy." - that would almost be enough wouldn't it? Even one tiny sip of acknowledgement and validity would be a wash down in the desert of your heart.
When you're overwhelmed keep it simple and practical. It is so hard to even carry on for awhile but you will. Even if you don't believe in the spirit, yours will come within you bearing comfort and healing in it's wings.
You are alone. So am I, yet nonetheless, we are here together. Open the windows of your soul to the heavens for a few minutes at least a couple times each day and if loving all you see that could use a little helps, open your mouth, mind, hands and heart to others who they seem to naturally want to reach out to. The dead make the greatest angels in others lives - until that day when they begin to come back to life on their own.
Love is the medicine you need. By all means, apply it to yourself ~
The very best wishes to you!
We never know what grace tomorrow may bring...
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A thing nightmares are made of..... not good
