General crisis of faith and stuff, from a sad person

[Stephen55]

Well i just read a similar thread so I figured why not spill my heart too.

Now mines a little different, but around a few month back now, still going through the 'wow im gay' phase I had a bit of a crisis of faith.

Now for some reason I had never questioned my sexuality, or my faith for that matter, till I fell in love with a guy and realised I propably was infact gay.

My crowd of friends, as this generation seems to to accept such a thing had no quams with me being gay. My mum was worried I'd tell my dad so I held off on that for the time being, so when I see my dad I get questions like 'got a girlfriend yet' and this makes me feel awkward and I know one day im going to have to dissapoint him when I introduce my currently hiding somewhere boyfriend...

The problem came from a good christian friend who said pretty much I was going to hell If I persued this hedonistic life style and he had a point, he sent me into a faith crisis of such in trying to decide for myself, I lost sleep at nights wondering about death and the death of everyone I care about.

Now im sure some of you are old enough to have lost your parents, I never want to feel your pain. It terrifys me, especially since I can never find common ground with my dad and will no doubt be full of regret when he expires.

Still it taught me to live for today and the faith crisis resolved itself when I thought so hard about it an answer that felt right came to me, there is a god and he loves us as long as we are good people, if we live a life of moral and ethical goodness what more can god ask for without sacrifice?

And so gradually I started preying to the entity at nights, and one night recently I wished that nobody I loved would ever die. A day later I was looking at a funeral.

Someone I directly cared about, a family friend who seemed to lose the battle with cancer within a day of me making this prayer. Since this moment I have not attempted to pray to god, and have in fact been angry towards the prospect of it.

Ontop of my reoccuring faith crisis its exam season and both the British exam office and the teaching staff at my college seem to be making things impossible to pass. ICT for its pure predanticness of the exam board, requiring specific answers that arnt on the teaching sylabus and the general incompetence of my Film Studies teacher who has not taught us sufficent to answer any exam questions.

So i'm at a point now of thinking theres no safety net, theres nothing out there thats going to enforce justice and it sucks and you've just got to get what pleasures you can before you expire. And that you should step on others in your way before they ruin your dreams. (such as trying to get my teacher fired)

A very grim view to hold at the age of 18 but so help me, thats how I feel.

[Personal]

Like most people, you’re too old for your age. You shouldn’t feel this way; you still have all of your life to live dude.

Truly, though, life is a game, but not one that needs to be cheated. Like you said, you should live for today, stay happy, but you don’t need to “step on others” for that happiness. When you figure out who is a waste of time and who isn’t, you can surround yourself with people who won’t waste your time. Personally, I find depression comes from realizing something (or someone) was a complete waste of time, and I’m not saying your main problem here is depression, but from what you’ve described, your emotions are running wild.

Try to find something that makes you happy, like drawing or writing or playing music, and focus on that for a while. You’ll find that when you start achieving goals for yourself, you’ll feel more accomplished.

Life is tough, nobody said it would be easy, but at least you’ve been given the chance to try it out, right?

I’m sorry about your family member, I feel your pain.

[Shadow]

Hey babe,

Yeah - Personal has given you some very good advice already ... so just to elaborate a bit (as I did with Twazzle) on what I see as the main points of your post :-

1) Being gay

I think that most of the issues you have raised are faith-based, and so your post's initial title is a very poignant and apt one ... so this is going to be more a case of me sharing MY personal views on the matter with you rather than me advising you, but here we go.

I think that you cannot choose your sexuality. I don't know why - I don't know whether it's something that's genetically hard-coded into your DNA, or whether it's something that your spirit either gravitates to, or is born with and you learn or WHAT ... but for WHATEVER reason, your sexuality falls into a bucket of things (in my mind) that I conveniently label "Things I'm not supposed to be able to d!ck with or preside over". You are what you are - there's no greater mystery to it in my eyes than that.

2) Coming out to your dad

This is a BIG of a bugbear - I'm in the same boat. I don't think my father would HATE me if he found out I'm gay, as I'm 99% sure he already knows, but we've never had "that chat" about it ... so until that point, I believe he's living in a world of DELIBERATE denial about my sexuality, and so yeah - I too have to bear the brunt of the "Why don't you go out with (x) ?" or "When are you going to make me a grandfather ?" /slams head on desk repeatedly.

However, on THIS score I think that there is a time and a place for all things, and when the time and place are RIGHT, you will find the words to say it ...

Whether that's whilst he's still around to HEAR it or not is, perhaps, another matter, but ultimately you WILL find a way to make peace with him on this issue.

3) Homosexuality -v- Religion

This is arguably the greatest faith-based minefield you've raised, and can be summed up quite simply, by saying that never the twain shall meet (for want of a better expression). If you're a devout Christian, Roman Catholic or what have you, then more power to you, but you MUST ACCEPT that this places you on an inevitable collision-course with your sexuality if you're a homosexual. There WILL be a clashing of heads on the matter, REPEATEDLY, until you're able to find a way of rationalising the two, which is sounds like you did, by coming to the conclusion (which is similar to mine) that God doesn't hate you ...

Mine was more along the lines of "If I believe that God created the world ... and God created man, with all his perfections and imperfections, and God loves ALL man ... then I cannot believe that God put me here SPECIFICALLY to suffer". Following that through leads you to the natural conclusion that, unless you're some filthy trashy ho-bag, God doesn't have a problem with you GENUINELY falling in love with somebody, and expressing that love purely and honestly.

Obviously there are a myriad of other possible ways of looking at it, but so much of religion depends on how you've been brought up that I think this (points above) is perhaps quite close to your situation, non ?

4) Ethical Conduct

As with 3), above, I think that having the equivalent of a personal code of ethics is never a bad thing at ANY point in your life ... it will help you to separate the wheat from the chaff, and provide you with a clear and objective view as to your life, where it's going, and whether or not you're meeting the standards that you set for yourself, and that you consider to be acceptable.

I must warn you of the dangers of falling into the type of slump you've already teetered towards, whereby you look at what other people are doing and think "why SHOULDN'T I be a bit more cutthroat ?" or "why SHOULDN'T I bring about a reckoning in this fashion ?", because at the end of the day, BELIEVE ME what goes around comes around, and the best way to live YOUR life is to be able to do so with a clear conscience, and to the best of your abilities ... don't allow yourself to wallow in these negative thoughts - you have the power to stand up and more more positive changes for yourself.

5) Moving Forward

So yeah ! Moving forward I would say that, whilst I think it's perfectly understandable for your faith to have been shaken as a result of your prayers most definitely NOT being answered, and I for one am NOT a priest, and CANNOT tell you why that whole "God moves in mysterious ways" thing always holds true as sometimes it baffles the SH!T out of me, I do think that to lose your faith for ANY reason is one of the greatest blows you will ever deal yourself, and it WILL cripple you if you let it ... so (and God help me I know how hard this will be) try and raise your spirits, keep your head held high, and move forward with your life, making POSITIVE decisions and POSITIVE steps to help you build a strong and bright future for yourself.

In THIS way, when you turn around in (x) years and look back at your life you'll be proud of yourself, your achievements, and the quality of life you have (at times fought to have) had, rather than thinking "yeah, I managed to get to the finish line, but think of all the people I've stepped on".

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us babe - I hope my counsel is of some help in guiding you back to a brighter path xx

.

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[Mark]

Hmm as you replied I thought I would reply. Sorry took a while.. Just yours is more of a faith problem.. hence the delayed post.

One.. I know how hard it is to write something like that, but at the same how amazing you feel once it is done..

Im going to reply to different bits in a random order.. With the respect of losing parents, that brings so much fear, but its something I tend not to think about. I dont really mix with my dad at all and I often wonder how ill feel if no common ground is ever met. But I dont think you would have regrets as you tried your best and deep down you feel things.

ICT I did A level ICT and some of the questions we never covered.. But again as long as you do the best in your course work and revise everything you can you will do fine.

Film studies.. I did media studies same situation.. But again the answer is try your best. Dont be sad if you cant do it. Get some revision guides? Read around the subject, it helps alot.

Im not sure how to answer about god and things.. Because im not religious. But I guess what ive learnt is as long as you are a good person god loves all. I mean if society had to adapt... im sure in some way religion will. As far as I can tell you are a good guy, So im sure theres nothing to worry about.

I havent even mentioned it to my dad. Not sure when I will.. Maybe when im living miles away LOL. But seriously I dont know how to comment on that..

You stated you never questions until you fell in love with a guy. I personally dont believe that someone is either gay or straight. You cant help who you fall in love with. Im sure many which judge have fallen in love with the same sex but tried to ignore it.

I guess from this reply especially with the dad situation, you can see that there are others in the same boat. Never be afraid to post on here just about how you feel at the time add to this as it does help to get it out in the open. Hope I helped a bit x

[Stephen55]

Theres some forums that wouldn't attempt to answer a thread like this, finding nothing to say or just not caring. I think its clear now im on one of the best forums I've ever visited and in a community that really cares about helping its members. x

The two things now actually overlap since I cant attend the funeral for I have my film exam, I tried to be confrontational but not harsh in my approach to asking for help with my revision and my teacher seemed totally unsympathetic and lazy in response. Anyhow I consider him to be so stupid its funny, ill propably write a thread why later, let you share is the terribleness of my situation.

Having said that, as apposed to getting angry I gave out my revision notes to my just as baffled friends and they found them more useful that anything the teacher has ever given. So I did a good deed and felt self achievement, I can pass the exam, then Im going to begin formal complaints against the teacher.

As for the greiving, im not too sad compared to my mum and cousins, I will be celebrating her life on Friday night, hopefully in an uplifting envirorment.

[Shadow]

Awwwwwwwwwww babe - you're welcome xx

I think that it's always best (if you're able) to remember those dearly departed as that - wonderful people that have crossed over to a new journey ... but who will always live on in your hearts and memories ...

As for your teacher, sounds like he is being borderline negligent in completely ignoring your comments, so perhaps a rap across the knuckles is deserved, but are you sure going for the jugular in getting him fired is the best (or should I say the right) thing to do ?

It's not my call, but I just thought I'd put that thought to you for your consideration.

And yes - I'm sure I speak for everybody here when I say we do care - we're fast becoming a really big family, which is nothing short of AMAZING considering that we've been drawn together by one single common thread, non ?? mile:.

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[Mark]

Hmm I was in a should I or shouldnt I reply kinda state, but I thought id give my best advice even if it was cack. Matey everyone cares on here, well to an extent. Anytime you need help just reach out and ask, we will do our best.

[marshlander]

Hi Stephen,

What good advice you've received on here already. Nice to see that the wonderful Shadow has lost none of his edge or compassion.

I have one or two small thoughts on the matters you raise. I'm obviously new here, so I have no idea who the main characters are or what the prevailing feelings are about things, so I'll just come out and say it.
You mention the religious thing. I've been in many discussions like this. One person might say that "God made me this way so he must love me" etc. I stopped believing that God made me this way a very long time ago. Blaming someone else for my mistakes and misfortunes is daft. It seems far more likely that, on the contrary, we made god in our own image. That way we can justify much of what we do to each other. God is a convenient construct to help us deal with things we have yet to understand in a more rational manner. In my blinkered way, it strikes me as at least one logical explanation for the number of opposing forces that claim to have god on their side.

Supposing, though, just supposing, there is such a being that qualifies in the deity department. Zillions of people plying this almighty with prayers for all sorts of stuff every second. Assuming said deity has the means to process all this incoming flak, couldn't he/she/it sometimes just say, "No"?
FWIW, I know nothing I say is going to convince anyone who's determined to believe in the irrational (ie, in ideas and belief systems developed despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary - not necessarily a pejorative term, we are all at liberty to take a stand on what we think is important) and I have no interest in doing so. However, I don't mind being made to think about things from time to time. Similarly, I believe there are probably others like me as indeed there are those whose wishes shape their perceptions of the world they inhabit.

Sorry, back to your message. Even if I don't believe in an omnipresent, omniscient being it is often the case that what we give out seems to come back to us. Some people can live in the kind of trampling world to which you allude and appear to prosper to what seems to be an unfair degree. I don't usually feel comfortable in the company of such people and prefer to look for my friends elsewhere. It's really up to you how you live your life. How much would you like to live it on a cliff edge?
The teacher thing ... now, I'm sorry to hear about that. I used to be a teacher and even now my work takes me into educational institutions ranging from nurseries to universities, so would you be able to accept that I have seen a lot of both good and bad teaching? It is, of course no comfort to you that you seem to have drawn a short straw with one of your subjects. Be careful how you tackle it. Should you decide, and indeed turn out to have the wherwithal, to end your teacher's career in the classroom are you absolutely sure this is necessary? How much of a bigger picture do you see? Teachers are fairly one-dimensional in the eyes of their students and I wonder what else has been going on. It is very easy to blame the failure of a system of management on the unsupported performance of a single individual, making them the scapegoat. Many years ago I was made redundant from an educational organisation while a person several links higher up the food chain was quietly moved to another department. Guess which one of us was responsible for the loss of an enormous amount of money in the run up to the decision to make me and a dozen other colleagues redundant on the basis that they could no longer afford our salaries!

There should be systems in place to help you air your concerns. Use them. If your teacher is as bad as you say the results will be the subject of regular monitoring and will have been noticed somewhere. If nothing has been done there must be something else going on too. Just be careful, ok?

Regards

[ardus]

Having lost my dad and having experienced my own crisis of Faith I feel qualified to give you advice bro. I lost my dad 6 years ago, and one of the things I wonder is what would he think about me being Bi. When I first dicovered my sexuality I thought that I was doomed to Hell that God would never forgive me and that I could not make an understanding of faith work with a lifestyle that as I saw it at the time was cloaked in sin. I have come to a better understanding since then
I beleive in God.
I beleive God created me
I beleive that if God created me he created me the way I am.
I beleive that God doesn't make mistakes and that if he created me bisexual or he created you gay or he created bob straight he knows what he is doing and he has a reason for it and there's not a goodamn thing wrong with it.
That's how I feel

[Enigma]

Well Stephen55 you are probably the only one who feels you are sad. I am sure no-one else here feels that. I think you should contact some other forum members who reside in the Tyneside area. There a good few. I don't mean me, I am too old, but some other lads more your own age. Samule would be delighted to make friends I am sure. Take care and climb out of that rut.