Apathy

[snugsy]

So... I'm not really even sure what i want to say about it, or if i even have a question to ask, cause the way i've been feeling is complex and stems from many life frustrations. But over the past month i've become stuck in this rut of apathy. .

A big part of me believes it is due to my addiction to video games and netflix. I just finished season 7 of buffy the Vamp slayer... loved it... but i went to it specifically to waste my time. I also have been playing way too much league of legends. a stupid online multi-player capture the base sorta team game. Waaay addicted. But i'm at the point where i'm not sure anymore if this addiction is the cause of - or the product of, my apathy.

I certainly know some of this feeling comes from my current shitty family life. Well my parents anyways. I've been out for a couple years now And my parents still rarely acknowledge my sexuality, never met the guy i was in a relationship with (for a year), can't look me in the eye to bring up what they think about me being gay (not that they don't get it accross. they make their firm dis-support plainly clear).
So when i come home every weekend. I drown in this feeling that they don't know me. because we never talk. I know i'm not guiltless. I haven't ever been able to look them in the eyes with pride either. I too avoid confrontation because of the way it makes me despise them. When we do talk. I end up miserable and so angry because of the things they say and the way they show how very little they've invested into actually knowing me as a man (who happens to be gay). (on the flip side they expose how much they buy into every paper they ever read that tells them to not support me for any reason).

And so i feel stuck in this inability to relate stemming from both sides, and an overall disconnect from my life experiences, and the sources my parents turn to to learn about gay life. I feel so unable to counteract what they are learning, and to show them what it is actually like to live my life. Because they disregard my life experiences. And i think it made me give up in trying to even be present around them. And i am fairly certain this apathy has translated into other areas of my life. SOO YEAH. I'm level headed. And i've been coping with this for a while so it's nothing new. nothing i can't deal with. But it feels like it's festering.

My little brother has been my saving grace. He supports me, and (go figure) asks about my life, and he keeps me solid and sane when he's around. And even got me motivated to get back to the gym. Which has helped with a lot of my stress.

But i still have this general lack of interest in doing much more than vegging my life away. I want to want to do things. But it takes so much for me to scrounge up any motivation. I can't exactly pin point any spot where i lost sight of my goals. I still wanna get through college and come out on my feet. But it takes so much more effort now then it used to.


Any thoughts or advice is welcome. But i don't really know what i'm looking for.
I just want to get back to being motivated about school work, and wanting to have a social life, and being normal and stuff.

[GossamerMoon]

All I can say is that, in my opinion, you should see a therapist. You sound depressed. Apathy is a huge symptom of depression; not just chronic sadness or suicidal tendencies (which may or may not be present). Of course, there's plenty for you to feel depressed about. What your feeling is all valid.

Are in school right now? If so, there should be counseling available, probably free. Check it out. Good luck!

[ChadCoxRox]

Snug you have a situational depression without doubt and you can get some relief from counseling without doubt. That counseling will likely need to be a culmination of more than one outlet but should likely include at least one professional. It sounds as though you do not have sufficient resources in place to make the transition of being victimized by all the mess into a sense of being able to move from surviving to actually thriving.

Many do not heed such advice and waste LOADS of precious time finding their way haphazardly...usually to a place where they find themselves wishing they'd sought help and made better choices. You do NOT have to let this happen and can make choices to set yourself up better for personal success now.... both for your self and for your relationships.

This situation could also contribute to a clinical depression process but this scenario is WAY over assessed and drugged!!! Glimmers of HOPE in your post lead me to encourage you to make efforts toward healing interactions in a strategic way that can be VERY interesting to develop, plan and implement and give you an AWESOME testimony down the road to help someone else lost in a pile of crappy hurt and pain.

[ChadCoxRox]

http://www.mhanc.com/selfhelp/gay.htm
http://www.pridecenterwny.org/site/resou...ory=Social
http://www.outcomebuffalo.com
http://www.gayalliance.org/directory/sea...ue=Buffalo

[ChadCoxRox]

So... i've become stuck in this rut of apathy...

I LOVE this line! Not for its pain of course...but simply the description. Poignant.

[Blue]

That sounds all too familiar. Though by 21, my parents had legally disowned me and, I think I endured more direct abuse at their hands that you have, the end result was the same. I didn't want to feel or remember that hurt, anger and disappointment so, I disconnected from it all. Unfortunately doing that results in a bigger disconnect than we really want.

I suspect you have a lot of emotions you don't want to face, and you don't want to deal with the causes of those emotions. I'd start with a holistic therapist that won't prescribe medications but, may recommend some herbal supplements and, will work on you as a whole person. I feel a psychiatrist that would prescribe antidepressants and the like is a last resort, so start with someone that can give you the techniques and tools to deal with this stuff in a healthy way first and, see if that's enough for you.

[Pix]

I don't know what you want to do. You still want to go to college and then get on your own so all I can say is I hope you're working to do something that you WANT rather than what you're SUPPOSED to want (if the latter then I'm not surprised you feel a lot of apathy about it). So without knowing any of your specifics all I can think of is to offer this for your consideration:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simple_living

Btw, I've worked with plenty of homeless people and I'm amazed at how many not only have iphones (some of them are always texting each other, too...) but even lappies (in which they watch movies and sometimes game). So I know you don't have to generate your own power to watch Buffy or play games, though you can learn how to do that as well (some have not only made themselves independent from the grid but even sell surplus power they generate to power companies), or alternately become a technomad (who travel on everything from motorcycles to RVs without any permanent home and manage to stay connected to the web).

[snugsy]

Thank you all. I really appreciate your replies. And i do mean to at least seek on campus counseling. And i have in the past when i was coming out. It was fruitful. I learned alot about myself. And i guess i'm coming to another point where i need someone else to help me reevaluate where i am now.

I'd agree that i'm probs not the best at facing my emotions. and As much as i've told myself that the apathy is different than something like chronic sadness. I've still known that it's a sign of my being depressed. Thats part of what makes it so confuzing. That it's not all sorrow and gloom. I'm perfectly happy much of the time, when i'm away from home. being social with my friends, and my bro. So i forget about the way i am when i'm not feeling so supported.

I do like what i'm learning. I enjoy attending classes, senior year and still kickin it. but i just feel a bit disconnected.

Also Rox. Loved the suggestions.

too bad it's the wrong Buffalo (minnesota XD) Made me giggle. haha. good try though and much appreciated. (along with all the other responses of course)

[Rainbowmum]

Sweetie , you need to find yourself again.
The you that is caring sweet and confident.
You should never depend on someone else for your happiness.

Try getting back out there , it does not matter where you go , the gym , local coffee shop or just a walk, you need to get away from this prison ,you have created for yourself, even if it's just for a few hours .

If you can not do this for yourself , then depression has overtaken survival.
You need to see a professional so you can have the tools that you need to battle this.

Please do not underestimate depression , it is a very destructive force.
We are all here for you.

[snugsy]

Also i'd like to say... I'm hesitant to blame all of this apathy on my parents. There are multiple factors. (they are certainly a biggy though) but there was also A summer job a didn't care for -> Feeling like i wasted my summer. friends moving on in life. recentish breakup. haha gosh i didn't even really think about it as such a pile until recently.

I have gotten back to they gym. Thanks to some motivation from my brogend. (brother+legend: adventure time reference). And i love it when i'm there, and feeling like i'm taking care of myself again.