I think I finally understand my sexuality
09-16-2012, 02:16 AM
I hope you dont mind a long rambly post, but this forum has helped me, and I want to share everything.
A month or so ago, I posted a topic expressing my confusion about my sexuality. I wasnt sure if I was bisexual or not. Ive come to realize that the term simply doesnt fit me very well, im not gay, and theres simply no way that im straight. Pan doesnt really work out because I dont think genitals shouldnt or dont matter to me. I like penis and vagina specifically for different reasons.
When I was younger and going through puberty, I like many boys my age looked at a lot of porn. I looked at girls exclusively for a while. Eventually I saw "straight porn" (where theres a guy and a girl) and the penis no longer bothered me. I was pretty excited, because lesbian porn had gotten pretty dull for me.
Around this time, I started looking at penis pictures online, realizing that I found them to be beautiful. I absolutely loved them. I tried looking at gay porn, and for a while it was fine, but I could never reconcile the fact that when I look at a mans face, I just dont see it in a sexual context. I always looked at him below the neck, and everything was real nice (assuming they werent hairy or muscular). I would always imagine seeing my friends in a sexual way, and honestly it made me feel kind of sick to my stomach.
After a few months of casually looking at gay porn and avoiding the face, I eventually stumbled upon a picture of a pre-op transexual. I never even considered this before, and I was floored with how beautiful she was. Her face was very feminine, her body was too, and she had a penis. I was quite interested! This became something that ive been interested in for many years at this point, probably about 10 years(26 now).
My interest in women never waned, but I did notice that I liked girls who were extremely feminine. The kind of girl who never shuts up, is obsessed with pink, very sensitive, and wants a man to take care of her. This plays a roll in what I will reveal later on.
A few years ago, I noticed that my sexual attraction wasnt limited to transexuals and women, I found that I liked cross dressers too. Ones that were actually feminine, and not body builders who lost a bet so to speak. I couldnt reconcile this at all. I wanted to call myself bisexual, but I just couldnt, because that seems like it implies that im attracted to men, and men are masculine, to me, masculinity is not sexually appealing.
A few months ago, I had a sexual encounter with a woman. She really didnt fit with the extremely girly mentality. She wasnt exactly a tom boy or anything, but she was just down the middle, and tbh there was not much chemistry between us. I couldnt stay aroused, and I freaked out. I was thinking that maybe I am gay and that me being into transsexuals and crossdressers is just internalized homophobia. I eventually posted here, and I heard several of you dismiss the labels. This kind of blew my mind in a way, I always used these terms and kind of felt like those are the only things you can be...
After fighting with myself for years, trying to fit myself into the pan-bi-gay-straight paradigm, I finally realized that there just isnt a word for me. I love femininity in all its forms, whether you have a penis or not. I was looking at a few cross dressers the other day, and the one was so beautiful looking, so feminine that I just dont have a problem doing anything sexual or romantic with him/her/whatever but at the same time, I find a ton of women that make me feel the same way. In many situations I dont feel like sexuality terms are very fitting for many people. What if you're a guy whos attracted to tomboys? You arent attracted to femininity, but you like vagina, is that REALLY straight? What if you're a girl who likes masculine women, is that truly lesbianism? The reason I raise this point is because, when you're with someone who fits your genital criteria, there are times when thats just not enough to have good sex. You have to be sexually attracted to the person, and the person is usually somewhere on the masculine-feminine scale, and for most people, that determines sexual attractiveness. Some men are just extremely feminine, and being that they are men, they probably know very well how to trigger things that a guy like me is looking for in a girl, and I dont want to deny it anymore. A whole new world has opened up to me, and I dont mind who my future partner is, whether it be a girl friend(genetically male or female), or if they prefer to be called a boyfriend. As long as they are feminine,beautiful and have chemistry with me, I will be with them and I dont care who knows whats in there pants.
Thank you all who helped me in my older posts, and those of you who would have helped me if you saw it.
A month or so ago, I posted a topic expressing my confusion about my sexuality. I wasnt sure if I was bisexual or not. Ive come to realize that the term simply doesnt fit me very well, im not gay, and theres simply no way that im straight. Pan doesnt really work out because I dont think genitals shouldnt or dont matter to me. I like penis and vagina specifically for different reasons.
When I was younger and going through puberty, I like many boys my age looked at a lot of porn. I looked at girls exclusively for a while. Eventually I saw "straight porn" (where theres a guy and a girl) and the penis no longer bothered me. I was pretty excited, because lesbian porn had gotten pretty dull for me.
Around this time, I started looking at penis pictures online, realizing that I found them to be beautiful. I absolutely loved them. I tried looking at gay porn, and for a while it was fine, but I could never reconcile the fact that when I look at a mans face, I just dont see it in a sexual context. I always looked at him below the neck, and everything was real nice (assuming they werent hairy or muscular). I would always imagine seeing my friends in a sexual way, and honestly it made me feel kind of sick to my stomach.
After a few months of casually looking at gay porn and avoiding the face, I eventually stumbled upon a picture of a pre-op transexual. I never even considered this before, and I was floored with how beautiful she was. Her face was very feminine, her body was too, and she had a penis. I was quite interested! This became something that ive been interested in for many years at this point, probably about 10 years(26 now).
My interest in women never waned, but I did notice that I liked girls who were extremely feminine. The kind of girl who never shuts up, is obsessed with pink, very sensitive, and wants a man to take care of her. This plays a roll in what I will reveal later on.
A few years ago, I noticed that my sexual attraction wasnt limited to transexuals and women, I found that I liked cross dressers too. Ones that were actually feminine, and not body builders who lost a bet so to speak. I couldnt reconcile this at all. I wanted to call myself bisexual, but I just couldnt, because that seems like it implies that im attracted to men, and men are masculine, to me, masculinity is not sexually appealing.
A few months ago, I had a sexual encounter with a woman. She really didnt fit with the extremely girly mentality. She wasnt exactly a tom boy or anything, but she was just down the middle, and tbh there was not much chemistry between us. I couldnt stay aroused, and I freaked out. I was thinking that maybe I am gay and that me being into transsexuals and crossdressers is just internalized homophobia. I eventually posted here, and I heard several of you dismiss the labels. This kind of blew my mind in a way, I always used these terms and kind of felt like those are the only things you can be...
After fighting with myself for years, trying to fit myself into the pan-bi-gay-straight paradigm, I finally realized that there just isnt a word for me. I love femininity in all its forms, whether you have a penis or not. I was looking at a few cross dressers the other day, and the one was so beautiful looking, so feminine that I just dont have a problem doing anything sexual or romantic with him/her/whatever but at the same time, I find a ton of women that make me feel the same way. In many situations I dont feel like sexuality terms are very fitting for many people. What if you're a guy whos attracted to tomboys? You arent attracted to femininity, but you like vagina, is that REALLY straight? What if you're a girl who likes masculine women, is that truly lesbianism? The reason I raise this point is because, when you're with someone who fits your genital criteria, there are times when thats just not enough to have good sex. You have to be sexually attracted to the person, and the person is usually somewhere on the masculine-feminine scale, and for most people, that determines sexual attractiveness. Some men are just extremely feminine, and being that they are men, they probably know very well how to trigger things that a guy like me is looking for in a girl, and I dont want to deny it anymore. A whole new world has opened up to me, and I dont mind who my future partner is, whether it be a girl friend(genetically male or female), or if they prefer to be called a boyfriend. As long as they are feminine,beautiful and have chemistry with me, I will be with them and I dont care who knows whats in there pants.
Thank you all who helped me in my older posts, and those of you who would have helped me if you saw it.
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Aquarius
