Am I Gay? I think I am... UGH

[andynelrew]

Hi
So... I'm just going to write...
Years ago in 7th grade, I stumbled on a picture of 2 guys kissing, and I did not know why, but some odd emotion sprung in me.
I knew nothing about anything, lived in the country, sheltered.
Anyway so I got curious and started looking up information.
Years past and I thought about guys sexually, but it was more like something I could control. Essentially.... If i was home alone, and was able to masturbate was the only time I'd think about guys. Afterwards, I would think back at what I did, and I genuinely was grossed out about it. Like almost vomiting. Then the rest of the day I had no sexual thoughts, about anyone. I'm a Christian, and the way my theory went was everyone goes through this, so it's something you live with and ignore it, like you ignore urges to try a drink, or try drugs, something like that. Anyway I eventually came to I'm straight, pretty confident in it. I can say I wanted a relationship with a guy, but it was more like I longed for this best guy friend, that I could tell anything to. Like a true best friend. I made a friend, we really don;t know how we became friends, it seems like one day we did not see each other as friends then all of a sudden we were best friends.
Some side notes...
When ever I was by someone gay, I felt uncomfortable, and did not want to talk to them.
My best friend I mentioned, came to my graduation(because I moved and went to a different school) The day of my graduation I remember feeling I cannot act normal around him because people will think we are gay....

Anyway.... About 3-4 weeks ago, he came out gay. In the beginning I protested it and tried to convince him otherwise, but as our convo was winding down that day, he was upset at how many people that are his friends that were attacking him, he knew I was not attacking but disagreeing, but when he said how his dad wants him to die, and how it hurts so much, I wanted to so badly be there and comfort him and tell him everything is ok.
Oh the reason why he came out was he got a boyfriend. But anyway, earlier in the convo, right after I found out he was gay, my stomach dropped. As the convo went on, and I seen there was no use, my stomach dropped again. Then after the part of him feeling so upset and me wishing I was there to help him out( I cried a little), when that convo ended, I had a massive swell of emotion. Something I have never felt in my life. It was so intense. I lost sleep for 6 days. It was so intense. My feelings went from being against homosexuality, to be ok with it. The next day, I was very happy to know My best friend was gay, and I wanted to do everything I can do support him. I wanted to tell everyone I have a gay friend and I'm proud of it. He inspired he, like he was able to tell 800 people on facebook, that he was gay, so everything I've been worried about in my life was childish compared to what he did, I got over my fears, he inspired me. Day after, the feeling was still ongoing,(the intense feeling form the beginning was right in the center of my chest where my heart is) It was maddening. Anyway so the second day or third day I started thinking I'm in love with him. I could not take it anymore, and I told my best (girl) friend that I think I might be gay, the way I worded it was, I need to know what he was thinking to decide he was gay(Later she said when I said that she knew, so she let me talk) From their I went onto say I can relate to him more than anyone knows, to hint to her, she got it and we talked she said that, after like 3 hours talking, that I have to admit I love him. There was some Liberation in that. The next day, I felt still really strong, I told her I think I want to tell my sister and she agreed. After hours of waiting for her to get home, we went for a walk. And while shaking massively, I told her I think I love the guy, as I refused to make eye contact with her and look the other way while shaking badly. She hugged me and we talked... Anyway I felt more liberation telling someone else. That was the 4th day. The 5th day me her and my bro in law went to the store, and that emotion, with me telling her, made me feel so free going down the highway with the window down and thinking bout it. I felt free. 6th day came and I was still feeling this emotion, finally he was able to talk on the phone... So I told him.... He as I said, has a BF. His BF was there but I did not care, I told him I have feelings for him and he told me I'm sorry but I don;t feel the same way for you. I told him well I want to stay best friends and I'll support him and his BF. We are still good friends we are closer now. I felt pathetic for his BF hearing it, but I don;t care I was not going to live in bondage, telling him was re-leaving, it was odd though it hurt a little, but the emotion subsided. I love him, enough that if he is happy then good, I want him to be happy no matter what that means. I can;t be jealous, I can;t stand jealousy. I support him and his BF. But it's like I dunno f I am gay.
Side note:
But I just got a knew job and there is this gay guy, and I did not feel awkward around him, like I use to with gay people... I'm like whatever call me gay bi whatever I don't care, what people think anymore. I do care what I think though and I cant figure it out. Some days I'm like I'm straight look at that guy and girl, I want to be that guy so badly, their relationship is awesome. Then other days I felt that way about guys. Then it's like when I think I'm gay and I talk to anyone gay, I feel like I belong, like this weird comforting feeling, it snot that intense feeling in my chest I felt towards my best friend, but its like this feeling of I belong and I can be myself.

Also, its like I don't Identify with the feminine side of homosexuality(For those that do, good for you, but I don't) I'd identify with the masculine identity of homosexuality. And I'd seek someone out a guy that identifies with the same. It's like I want to hold a guy in my arms, and tell him everything will be alright. I want to be there in anyway I can and him for me. But then I'm like well I'm probably not gay...
It's confusing....
Now, my mind is like completely derailed.... I'm having thoughts about sex, that are outside that realm of control I had, I should be able to control these thoughts. I pride myself on my ability to control myself...
In 9th grade I laughed at my biology teacher for saying guys think about sex a lot, I told my friends pfft, I can control myself, I'm not no dog in heat. I'm not the avg guy that is in heat like every moment of their life....

I'm the guy that growin up peple would say this is what I want my kid to be like, like him. And now its slipping.... People found out I was even typing this, I would be destroyed socially, by my family, not my friends. I can;t tell my mom, it not because she will hate me but for other reasons. My family for years has been trying to do whatever they can to hurt my mom... it is messed up. I've helped her through it, but the thing is, I don;t think she can take another one like that. See if I am gay and I come out, my family will attack her and tell her how bad of a parent she is, and how my cousins are better, and that she is a loser and on and on.... she is better off than anyone in my family... but they will say that anyway, and she can't take it, that your own family could hate you so badly. She has to deal with this, and she is a great person, has a great job a degree in nursing, 2 kids, (I'm the youngest) and so forth. Right now she is making about 7 grand a month off a associates degree in nursing(2 years of schooling) I am ok with being ridiculed more or less, but I cannot take her being told she is a loser and so forth, because of my decision. She is going to be forced by my family to be the cause of me being gay, if I am gay. I am who I am majorly for how great she raised me. She raised me to be this great man, and has hopes of grandchildren. I just can't hurt my mom, more or less I can't feed my mest up family so that they can attack her. If i ever got drunk, it's her fault, If I dropped out of college, it is her fault, if I had sex outside of marriage its her fault, if I cussed its her fault, if I get depressed its her fault, this is what they would do, I made sure that they have nothing on me, because I am not my own person to them, everything I do is my mom's fault, while anything my cousins do, is not their fault in their opinion...
See f I come out, if I am gay, the one who is going to go through more hell is my mom, not me. Im going to have to be their to comfort her, because she will need it. I love her, best mom on earth....
Am I gay? I can't hurt someone I love like that... Do I still love my best friend, was what I felt for him something people call real love? Why do I feel comfortable around gay people now? Fact is why am I typing on this forum? How do I prevent my mom from getting attacked by my family? So many questions, my best friend is helping me sort them out, we talk like once a week, since h is busy. He and his BF are getting an apartment, Getting him a cake and a gift card to congratulate them on getting an apartment. Sorry this is so unorganized, if you read this and respond TYVM. Sorry for being bad at this.... I did not know where to go.... I want to delete this so badly but I'm about to impulse click submit..... If you see this, I submitted it.....

[CodyH]

Whoa whoa take a few deep breaths......

When I read through your post I could not help but think of myself. ESPECIALLY when it came to the last part about your mom and your family. Seriously I can completely relate. First things first.

Knowing if you are gay or not isn't really a simple answer. I was going through this heavily as I was in a very similar position as you were a few months ago. I realized I had some sort of attraction to guys since I was hmm about 14. I knew I wasn't the same as other kids since I was about 8. It was always in the back of my mind but I never really thought about it in fact I kind of rejected the idea. I couldn't be gay. No way. Its just admiration. It was only a few months ago, literally, a friend jokingly suggested that I should experiment with this one guy at work. Talking about double dates and such. Well things kind of crashed down at that point. I knew I was attracted to him but i always figured this attraction was only admiration. Awesome guy. Nice. Athletic. Popular. But soon afterwards I could never get him out of my mind. At that point I realized I was crushing on this dood. To be honest it horrified me. It also horrified me that I never had such strong emotions for a girl before. I usually look at them as friends. No matter how gorgeous or hot they are I didn't feel a thing. That was the first sign I knew that I could be gay. I didn't really figure it out till months later but the only reason why was I had such a great support system of friends and I kind of already had suspicions I was different when I was younger.

The one thing you have to keep in mind is that you should take it at your own pace. No one can really answer your question except yourself. You may be or you could be just very empathetic or you may just really want to be in a relationship or you just have so much love that you have to give you just dont care who to give it to. It doesn't necessarily mean you are gay. It is a very complicated answer but it all comes from inside. You will find your answer when you learn more about yourself and your attractions and your emotions. Who knows maybe you are Bi rather than just gay?

As for your friend. Your emotions are your own. We can't really identify it as love because only you know what you are truly feeling. It could be love as in a I want to be your significant other/relationship type of love or it could be a brotherly love or a best friend type of love. Some people mistake this powerful emotion as love as in a significant other type.

Bottom line is that you shouldnt rush. You have time. Do a little soul searching. Think about what you want and how you feel when it comes to men and woman. Would you hold hands? Kiss? Would you be fine with intimacy? It really is just going deep inside and knowing how you feel about all of this.

Now maybe you are comfortable because its not a big deal to you anymore. Perhaps you got used to them? Just because you are comfortable doesnt mean you are gay. It's like saying just because I am comfortable being around my friend means that I want to sleep with them.

Now about your mom and your family. I come from a very very very traditional asian family. My dad lost contact with his family when he moved here to the US and married my mom. So when my older sister and I was born we were always around my mom's side of the family. Now our family was brutal. Our own grandfather was looking down on his kids and nieces and nephews left and right. Anyone who made less money than he did he would laugh and say nasty things or he would make fun of them. Everything was about image. When we were young we were taught not to do anything that would cause my dad or mom to lose face/pride. At the time we had a business and we had money. That went down the drain when my mother passed away when I was 4. We needed to sell our business for her medical bills but her own father and brother (whom we wanted to sell it to so at least the business was kept in the family) refused. Even for their own daughter/sister. They refused. So we sold the business for lower prices. Became well poor and had other people saying how bad my father was. Not being able to deal with it, my dad took me and my sister and moved to vegas away from all of our relatives(all of them were horrible). When we left they were saying that we were going to be strippers or gangsters or drop outs and druggies. They all were comparing their own children (my cousins) to me and my sister. of course we didnt end up that way and in fact we were better than most of our cousins back home. So my father got a better reputation while the other families lost it and are still being made fun of. We dont do it but we hear it from some of the nicer ones. We still keep in contact because my dad feels like let bye gones be by gones... But anyways. I know if my dad knew that I was gay and if they knew... His pride would be completely be ripped away. He would be miserable. Because he views reputation highly... Word would spread like wild fire within our relatives. Then they would go and spit acid on him. But in the end, in my way of thinking. I know it would hurt him but unfortunately am I to live my life in the shadows? To forever pretend to be the ideal obedient straight son? (which like you many have said to me) It will come out eventually and I wont be able to stop him from feeling remorse. But I would rather be able to live my life freely than to be wrapped in chains and denied my happiness. I love my dad. Don't get me wrong, I would be heartbroken if he was hurt in any way. He raised two kids by himself. NEver married for fear of being mistreated by a new wife. Drove us to school every day and picked us up every day for he didnt want us to walk. But in the end I am who I am. I will still love him and want to take care of him but if he can't accept me or if his reputation was more important than my love? I am sacrificing everything to make him happy. I cant go out. I have a curfew of like 9pm. I have never been to a birthday party let alone a regular party. Never been to a club. Never had friends over. Not trying to throw myself a pity part but I did everything he wanted. That is how much I lvoe him. So i dont want to see the people I love hurt in any way. BUt this is about me. My future. this isnt just some random phase or some toy that I cant have. This is ME.

You really cant stop your relatives from attacking your mother. The only thing you can do is be the best you can be and show them that you are an awesome son and that just because you may be gay doesnt mean your mother is anything less than amazing. You then will have to be her support and let her know despite all of the despicable things your relatives say she is still awesome.

Dont worry about organization. When you have a lot on your mind things will be jumbled up. I have the same problem But to sum it all up. Take your time. Do some soul searching. Support your mom. Be happy with yourself no matter what you end up feeling. And you will always find support here on this forum. If you want to talk more my PM box is available I feel your pain. It just takes time to figure everything out.

PS if you haven't already figured. I myself am not completely out to my family and friends. So i am just a little bit further than you are haha. So yes I really do know what you are going through because I just went through it a few months ago.

[dfiant]

you are projecting on your best friend...STOP IT...support him, that is why he came out to you, he trusts you.

Deal with your issues, don't project them onto someone else.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Here is a list of gay affirming churches: http://www.gaychurch.org/find_a_church/f...church.htm

Here is a site that better explains those 'anti-gay' scriptures: http://www.gaychristian101.com/

You are yet one more victim of a 2000 year rule of terror and bible abuse. Organized religion is your greatest abuser.

I strongly suggest you find a gay affirming church in your local area and talk to the minister there and not just about your potential homosexuality, but about other things like what the bible really says about homosexuality and God. Ask about David and Johnathan - two men who really were into each other. The real kicker comes when you learn that when David exceeded really means David got wood....

Or Ruth and Naomi, or the Centurion and his Pais... Once you learn about the Romans and the typical behaviors or a Centurion and his Pais (young male slave) the whole story of the Centurion begging a man of an occupied nation to help his slave takes on a deeper meaning.

I think if you got a little new faith and a little injection of truth about the bible and God's plan for you, then you will be able to face your own 'questions' about your sexuality in a new light and find acceptance of yourself.

[zeon]

Hello,
Sadly in life many factors play a role and tthe whole part of coming out is that if someone has truely loved you... They will accept it.. Thats what i thought anyhow when i came out as gay and sometimes parents stick by their young because they always know and people went mad at me saying it isnt natural so i said this:

You get gay foxes yeah,,, reply: yeah
you get gay dogs yeah...? reply yeah
well that is nature therefore what i am is also nature... All creatures are gay as what we are its just with us we try to change nature and nature wont let us

kindest regards

zeojnh x

[lizzielee]

Just don't rush into anything. Get your life to a point where you are happy and okay then........look for a relationship. There is no hurry.
take care and all the best. I hope you meet someone lovely..........

[pellaz]

first off and most important, welcome to GaySpeak. I hope you get your issues re solved and stay to help others.

Hi ... I don't Identify with the feminine side of homosexuality(For those that do, good for you, but I don't) I'd identify with the masculine identity of homosexuality. And I'd seek someone out a guy that identifies with the same. ...

good for you; almost always you will fail if you try to define your self using pre conceived definitions. along those lines:
-evaluate your self if your not internally homophobic and that is driving your preference for a masculine identity.
-masculine or feminine is all a fake identity. We all work in a cube typing junk on a networked computer in a large office building for a corporation who stresses team work. When was the last day you had a 2,500 calorie day chopping wood. not.
-most straight relationships (they comprise 95% of the population) are based on differences. How to say your gay relationship needs or must have a relationship based on similarities, instead look at what you bring to the table and how someone else can better complete the situation so the two of you add up to more than just 2.

Hi ... And while shaking massively, I told her ...

everyone it telling you to think things through take it slower. just thought i would re iterate their thinking.

Hi ... My family for years has been trying to do whatever they can to hurt my mom... it is messed up. I've helped her through it, but the thing is, I don;t think she can take another one like that. See if I am gay and I come out, my family will attack her and tell her how bad of a parent she is, and how my cousins are better, and that she is a loser and on and on.... she is better off than anyone in my family... but they will say that anyway, and she can't take it, that your own family could hate you so badly. She has to deal with this, and she is a great person, has a great job a degree in nursing, 2 kids, (I'm the youngest) and so forth. Right now she is making about 7 grand a month off a associates degree in nursing(2 years of schooling) I am ok with being ridiculed more or less, but I cannot take her being told she is a loser and so forth, because of my decision. She is going to be forced by my family to be the cause of me being gay ...

you know this is bull shit. If she is financially independent and her children are grown up why does she have anything to do with haters. She should express her self love and bail. Its not a family she is living in but rather an un healthy cult.

Hi ... He as I said, has a BF. His BF was there but I did not care, I told him I have feelings for him ...

this is bad in so many ways. Please consider apologizing to both guys and going about your own life. snooze you loose, you lost out by not being on top of your feelings. If you divide this couple you will have nothing in the end. Instead let them have each other, wait for the break up. Make your move than.

Hi ... everything I do is my mom's fault ... See f I come out, if I am gay, the one who is going to go through more hell is my mom ...

again its your mother's fault for permitting her self and her children to associate in a hate full situation. She has the ability to break out of this.
-you are gay, your not going to change. Your mother did not make you gay 5% of the worlds population is gay. You and the 5% are not going away.
-if your mother can help you emotionally please let her.
-food for thought: everyone has a belief system. Some people are homophobic and un sure about their sexuality. They are lazy and or un able to figure how things work around them so they look for a straight narrow guide so they can cope. Thus you have Christianity.

[Blue]

The first thing is decide who you are in spite of all that fundamental upbringing that gay is sinful, wrong, bad, unnatural etc... It isn't, some of us just come this way and, that's fine, good, it's how we naturally are.

Love is never wrong if it's honest, acting on romantic love might be in some situations, but feeling love is never wrong.

Just take your time, find a gay affirming church, like Bowyn suggested and be whoever you are.