Here Goes...

[DeepSouth]

“I’m gay” I said it to myself for the first time yesterday. Though I am only 19 I have always felt like this at least for as long as I can remember being attracted to a particular sex. Nevertheless, yesterday was the first time I said it to myself, out-loud and it felt great. Though that would be the normal course then I would of course let my friends, then of course my family. However, things are not that easy for me I come from the Deep South, like farmlands for miles south, a land still stuck in the 50’s. My parents I can recall clapping as the preacher rebuked gays to the lowest rung of hell. I recall them talking about the homosexual takeover, being gay is not something people are proud of where I am form. A gay couple brought a business groups of people in the town boycotted it. There was one openly gay kid (he was somewhat effeminate) in my graduating class people where nice to his face…but I heard the hushed whispers, people said things that as my grandpa would say “ough’t not be said”. I guess that’s what scared me as a result I’m 19, off at college, and I desperately want to be myself to everyone in fact one of my friends does know and is very accepting. Which makes me feel better it’s not so much my friends that I’m worried about its my parents and family who I know don’t like gays and I know what would happen if they knew I was. I am just like every other guy I hunt and fish. Hell, I even drive a truck haha. I too want a family. It is not that I am unhappy with who I am its I am not sure who to deal with tell my family or coming out at large. It’s not where I live know, it’s where I go home to that worries me.

[OrphanPip]

There's no hurry, or deadline, to coming out to family. If you are OK with waiting until you are in a position of independence where you have somewhere to go without having to depend on your family, then that makes it a lot easier. Generally, if families react badly, they do so in the short term and come around eventually. So, it's good to have a place to go if things get difficult to handle in the short-term.

[mihai]

Really sad story but you can pass this thing someday.
A mother will always know who you are, the thing is she will not say it in your face ... She will induse her acceptance or dissaproval ... For example my mom always knew , when i told her she only said : "finally, i thought you will never say it" ; no yelling, no laughing , no reaction ... You just need to find the guts
Donno how your parents are, but my mom was always open to everything that she founded normal, and this woman can't be easily surprised

[lizzielee]

I know how hard it can be to tell your parents when they are from a rigid Christian background that you are gay. I went through this back in the late 70's when being gay was not accepted at all within Christians circles and there where no gay friendly churches around.
We all want our parents approval and it is important to us and when we are something that they are totally against, makes it harder and more stressful for us to open up to them.

I really believe that our sexuality is none of our parents business. Do you have to tell them? Would it be easier for you to live you life as you want without them knowing? What would happen if you told them and how would this affect your relationship with them? These are just some questions to ponder on.

Either way, I am happy that you feel good about being gay. Don't ever let anyone put you down or discourage you or tell you that you are wrong, bad or whatever. They have no right to tell you what is right or wrong for you. You are the only person that has that right!

Take care and I wish you all the best............

[pellaz]

you can out your self to your parents if you choose. I would not at this point because they can not contribute to your emotional well being. Do one thing at a time, concentrate on school and being by your self in the world. instead build a group of supportive friends around you. become independent, for example; if you have 2-3 weeks between semesters you dont have to stay at your parents house all the whole time.

While at school look up the lgbt center on campus. There was some gayspeak posts on gay friendly colleges, as a freshman not every student and not every staff member is supportive.

you dont really owe you parents anything in comparison of how much you need to self love at this point in your life. If they are especially homophobic they are unsure of their own sexuality? After all parents are just people with fears and ignorance just like any of us. So they used a more narrow approach to life to get by and raise a family. It worked didnt it?

“ ... I am just like every other guy I hunt and fish. Hell, I even drive a truck haha. I too want a family. ...

find your self effeminate or masculine with out being driven by internal homophobic tendencies. be totally integrated into the hetro world or flaming. but find your self as something you love to be.

[Blue]

First by drive a truck do you mean as a job, or you drive a pick-up?

There is no hurry but, if you drive for living, then that's gong to make it easier - once you're 21 and can get into that long haul rig. It's a job and a home all in one, so then , telling isn't so bad, you can't loose your job or your home at least.

[ChadCoxRox]

What a nice reminder of my memories asserting aloud to myself "I am gay," "Oh hell no I'm not," "I'm straight," "Oh hell no I'm not," "I'm bisexual," "Well that's the closest thing I can tag it with," "Well if there MUST be a label," "Why do people even care one way or the other?"

I remember having that self talk back in 1981. I'd be riding my motorcycle down the highway with this conversation going on in my head. I remember refusing to allow such while I was looking in the mirror shaving. lol I remember having a log chain jammed on a hitch with the hydralic pump blown on the front end loader and no way to get the monster off the trailer. While struggling with the skid loader to free the chain I suddenly broke out in a fit of anger "I hate being so fucked up!"

Of course I worked through all that personal "turmoil" fairly well and mostly because a WoNdErFuL man 30 years my senior told me that I needed to focus on the moment and not miss what life was offering instead of worrying about things outside the moment. His mentoring led me to really value the process of life more than the content. So THANK YOU for taking me back down memory lane!

[princealbertofb]

What a nice reminder of my memories asserting aloud to myself "I am gay," "Oh hell no I'm not," "I'm straight," "Oh hell no I'm not," "I'm bisexual," "Well that's the closest thing I can tag it with," "Well if there MUST be a label," "Why do people even care one way or the other?"

I remember having that self talk back in 1981. I'd be riding my motorcycle down the highway with this conversation going on in my head. I remember refusing to allow such while I was looking in the mirror shaving. lol I remember having a log chain jammed on a hitch with the hydralic pump blown on the front end loader and no way to get the monster off the trailer. While struggling with the skid loader to free the chain I suddenly broke out in a fit of anger "I hate being so fucked up!"

Of course I worked through all that personal "turmoil" fairly well and mostly because a WoNdErFuL man 30 years my senior told me that I needed to focus on the moment and not miss what life was offering instead of worrying about things outside the moment. His mentoring led me to really value the process of life more than the content. So THANK YOU for taking me back down memory lane!

I believe you have to be able to say to yourself: "I'm Gay!" Otherwise, it makes it very difficult to start looking for the right sort of relationships. You're still (or forever) tempted to step back into the closet and try to make things work with the members of the opposite sex, even though you know it's not right, doesn't feel right, and doesn't sound truthful. Being able to say it to yourself, is the first step to acceptance, and the beginning of the end of self-loathing (a loathing which is instilled by societal expectations from a very young age). Therefore it IS important to have those words in your head and be able to express them out loud. First, you say it to yourself. You look at yourself in the proverbial mirror, then think: "Yeah, that sounds right!". Then telling someone else just comes naturally - or at least the need to tell someone else. Practice makes things easier. So practise saying: "I'm gay, and it's okay!"
in French we call it La Méthode Coué.

[DeepSouth]

Thank you guys so much for the encouraging words!

rst by drive a truck do you mean as a job, or you drive a pick-up?

I just drive a pickup, it was an attempt at lightheartedness

[outthecloset]

Well Deep south, we are similar in situations. I am in Louisiana and sounds like you are probly in Texas. But anyway, gays aren't hated here in that sense but a looked down upon. My parents are homophobic also. Gonna be hard but I'm going to do it soon. Goodluck man and message me if you need.