Gay and Hanging With The Bros???

[manonthemoon]

Warning: long. (please help)

So, I'm a gay man, and I'm just depressed and not sure what to do. I am feeling really lonely right now. I'm 22, poor, in college, still live at home... I'm out to most my friends, they're all fine with it, but I've just gotten completely bored with life. All my friends are straight, and most are single. So what do they want to do every Friday and Saturday night? Go find loose women and get trashed... I've just gotten so bored of it... I think I've gotten to be kind of a downer to be honest, and now I don't feel wanted around anymore really. I go to class and work all week, and want to have fun on the weekends like anyone else, so what do I do? Go hang out with friends. We drink at someone's house, then go to the bars usually. I of course have no desire to bring home girls, but that's all my friends want to do, so I end up just following everyone around, sitting there getting smashed to try to break the crushing boredom, wasting a bunch of money, and feeling like crap for the entire next day... Now, it's not like I don't want my friends to have fun and get laid and everything, but it's an extremely boring time for me to say the least. I finally came out about a year ago, even though I've always known I was gay, I'm a masculine guy, and my friends are all "bros" basically, so I've been around this 'bro' culture forever, never saying a word or doing anything I wanted looking back on things.

I found out tonight my best friend of like a dozen years is avoiding me, so that's really got me down more than anything. I went out drinking with a couple of them, they both ditched me to go to some girl's house. Just left me sitting on the street with nowhere to go, they apologized in the morning but completely lied about what happened... I just feel like I can never have straight friends, and that I'm going to end up alone forever.

I don't really know what to do. I'm really pissed off and depressed that I can no longer have a good time with any of my friends. All we ever do is party, and of late, look for girls. I guess I'm a little tired of that too (drinking). I've probably had more alcohol run through me than, dare I say, 99.9% of 22 year-olds. I am lucky I'm not dead from it probably.

I realize I need a new hobby, but do you think I need new friends too?

I wish I had just one gay friend, I know zero other gay people. I am not femmy or anything, I don't really like those who are, it just annoys me and I don't get it at all, so it really narrows things down. I know not all gays are butch or whatever the term is but it sure does narrow things down... I just don't know what to do, I am mostly writing this because I can't sleep right now and just can't stop thinking about things. Life has just gotten stale.

I guess I'm just at that point where I don't want to talk to anybody anymore. I try to stay positive but I've been having suicidal thoughts lately (I'm not going to kill myself) and I'm afraid to just break away and really just throw all my old friends away, but I feel I need to, I already feel lonely enough as it is though and I don't know if I can handle being any lonelier..

How do you make new friends?

Please help.

[pellaz]

count your blessings and move on

-you have a good circle of accepting straight friends. This is great if you need help working on the car, putting up dry wall etc. Every so often go out with them but know there will be limitations.
-while your with the straights look for a supportive hag girl friend. They are a big asset for a gay man.

-use the lgbt center at your school or near by city, volunteer as a front desk receptionist there and all you have to do is be your confidant self and smile. Things like that.
-look for the gay men clubs; hiking/bike/football and music/band/theater.
-become familiar with the gay bro part of your town, if any, and do your shopping there, get a gym membership there.

you mentioned it a few times masculine fem
-gay relationships are based on similarities but in fact could as easily be based dissimilarities. what each boy brings to the table makes the couple add up to more than two. Is it an internal homophobic self or a straight by association thing that could make you masculine? Accept your bad or not but a fem bf can finish you off and would be big learning experience.

deal with the alcohol thing:
-maybe go to the gym, start running. Rock climbing or something with a adrenalin rush. Stunt a sportbike; is dangerous as all hell but requires you be free of alcohol, trim, muscular and masculine.
-look for a gay bf situation; maybe an older man (10+ years is the functional limit) and/or a dormant personality (either fem or masculine) that is willing to be generous in a good way and your handler. What would you give him in return?

keep your old friends and find some new

[Blue]

First, you don't have to entirely abandon old friends to find new ones. Maybe find a club, or better still, other activities that include new people, like a cooking class, a gym, anything you are interested in. Might be gays, might be straights there.

Second, if you are really ready to at least cut the drinking way back, maybe a AA group would be good. Whether you feel like an alcoholic or not, it will give you some good general coping skills and, you will meet people that want to do things besides go get drunk.

Third, as we mature, we change and grow. Perhaps you are simply outgrowing the party life and, would prefer quieter, less crowded activities with just one or two friends?

[OrphanPip]

Your friends sound like they're living out a prolonged adolescence. Find friends, straight or gay, who do things other than drinking and fucking randoms.

[TomStatic]

Sorry tohear this , same thing happened with me
i use to have only straight male friends and they seemed fine with md been gay
for awhile then slowly started to stop hanging out , was really sad and annoying that this happened
but i got over them and made new friends from going to concerts
so maybe try going to a few events that are on in the area

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You get depressed and drink some alcohol to make you feel better, that deepens the depression so you drink more alcohol which deepens the depression so you drink more alcohol... on and on and on.

Stop it.

You are poor? - No - you are not poor. IF you can afford to go out with the 'bros' or the 'dudes' all the time to drink, then you ain't poor. Poor looks like this:

http://www.google.com/search?q=abject+po...21&bih=856

I suspect that if you stopped going out (period) and stopped throwing all of this money into your alcohol hobby one your depression would lighten, two you would suddenly have money in pocket.

Also your grades would improve, your prospects for a bright future would improve. Both of these you failed to mention, but we know that these are other issues in your life right now.

I have no idea where L is in the USA. I will assume that this is one of those progressive American schools you are going to with mental health staff on site, or at the very least the school counselor (the person who tells you what you can do with that education you are getting) will have a list of psycho-therapists, psychiatrists and other interesting contacts to help you mentally, emotionally, physically and perhaps even spiritually.

It may even be one of those very liberal colleges I hear about where they have a LGBT Center on campus - need gay friends? then find some there.

If I knew where you were I would Google 'Gay bars and Clubs in L (USA)' and give you a list - often te google search reveals other LGBT community things like books stores (no not porn shops) and even Coffee Shops.

Another thing I want for you to do is find an AA Meeting. http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=28

In many towns and cities there are 'LGBT' Meetings where the group is primarily made up of LGBT people, but has a few affirming straight people, or at the very least straight people who won't hate the gay.

Not only will that provide you with an alternative to booze, it will provide you with a contact point to local LGBT in your area who will know alternative sites for meeting people. Also, AA tends to have a complete list of many self help resources when it comes to things like depression, such as depression clinics, therapists who deal with alcohol abuse and _______ (fill in the blank).

[Rainbowmum]

Self treating depression with alcohol is the very worst thing you can do.
Obviously you have outgrown your friends , move on find some new friends and please get your depression under control by seeing a professional.

[outthecloset]

Wow i think besides the being out to your friends part, your story is the same as mine. I too am tired of the bars and drinking with my friends. I have lately been drifting apart from them because i need to start over. I came out to a friend from high school who is now gay. So at least i have someone to talk to. And yes same as you I too am masculine and not into the feminine type either. You can message me if you'd like.

[Sil]

It's funny, a lot of people seem to share your experience here.

I remember having a similar night out myself where I'm hanging with straight friends, and it's okay until girls get involved and then you're just kicking about feeling even more isolated. I think sometimes that straight people are accepting of gay lifestyles, but they will not accomodate them in their own lives, if that makes sense. The best buddy I have is straight, and will talk to me about relationship issues with my boyfriend, laugh at my 'confirmed bachelor' perks on Fallout New Vegas, which is amazingly awesome.

It's odd that occasionaly to men - machismo, masuclinity, can become THE most important thing.

I totally agree with earlier posts that you can outgrow people in life, but I wouldn't be so quick to judge how they kick back and enjoy themselves. Your friends may respect you for going out and doing your own thing, and not just tagging along as part of the crowd. I found mid-20s to be a really frustrating age in terms of large life changes, with the loss of friends to work and relationships. Don't accelerate that by being critical of your buddies, even if they are being boring. You want to change, and I believe by your tone that you will, and come out of it with a much more fulfilling life.

[2345434]

I agree with everyone else when they say that you should make an effort to meet new people and broaden your horizons. It sounds to me like part of your problem might be based on a tendency to pigeon-hole people, however. Not everyone is either a heterosexual frat boy or a flaming queen. There are plenty of effeminate (and for that matter, non-effeminate) men with interests which are far more varied and sophisticated than those of the bunch that you're hanging out with now. If I were you I wouldn't screen people out based on superficial impressions of who they are.