My boyfriend not sexually attracted to me??!

[Rainbowmum]

Hi and welcome.

Depression can be very debilitating .
I would be more concerned with getting him professional help.
In the mean time try to remember it is not you , it's the depression .

The same goes for fear of catching Aids , it will stop your sex drive dead.
Either way get him the help he needs.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Actually he has admitted before that he's depressed but I get depressed too, probably more than him.
He is comfortable with his sexuality, he actually came out before I did.
His family accepts & loves him unconditionally, mine on the other hand not so much =/

I know he's not comfortable with his body but neither am I. We both know we're not twinks but I tell him EVERYDAY that I love him regardless & I don't love him for looks. I know I'm more sexually experienced than him but he definitely knows what to do.

did I mention we only mess around when we're drunk? Awful! I know.

It looks to me like this is gearing up to there being a person who he feels is (very???) unattractive. And that person is not you, it is himself.

Self esteem issues are most likely tied up here with other stuff. How you all work on these things depends on specifics to his self esteem issues.

Careful with telling him everyday:

"I love him regardless & I don't love him for looks."

Why? Because a broken record can be annoying and it does nothing to fix the underlying problems. If anything it can quickly lead to resentments. You will end up resenting him because you feel you have to 'carry him' through life and he will resent you because he will feel he is not living up to the relationship contract. It also reminds him each time that he is distant from you, being reminded constantly can have a negative impact.

Find ways to show him that you love him and you feel he is the hottest dude in town. How that is done depends on you and how you usually approach 'hotness'.

You say you are not twinks. What does that mean? Does this mean you saying you both are unfit physically and there is room for improvement?

If it is then you two can take pro-active steps towards solving one issue together. It does not have to be an extreme 'lets go on the Atkins diet' or 'lets join the gym' - it can be simple things such as switching out a carb with a fruit or veg with every meal, or going to the mall every Saturday morning and walking around the mall window shopping together.

Dropping calories from your diet does not mean you have to reduce the amount of food you each. It simply means you switch out high calories foods with low calorie foods. Fats contain about 100 calories per tablespoon. A cup of whole corn contains about 76 calories. Eating a table spoon of fat leaves you feeling hungry (not full) thus eating a cup of corn will make you feel full but you are eating less calories. Cutting out fat is simple, it can be as easy as using non-stick cook wear with a cooking spray over using a 1-2 tablespoons of fat to cook with. Same meal, with less calories absorbed from the fat.

Together is key here. Doing stuff together helps the relationship and it will help to improve his self esteem because he is taking control of this minor thing in his life and is doing something. It is also easier when both members of a team are pursing the same goal. Its easier to maintain these goals and stay the course.

Alcohol and depression are a bad match. You both should reduce the amount of alcohol you drink. Reduce doesn't mean cut it out completely. Set reasonable goals and you both remind each other to ingest fewer drinks. Aim to have sex when you are only on a half of a six pack instead of being under the influence of a case (if beer is your poison).

Depression is going to be a stumbling block and there is no single 'fix'.

A few things you can try to deal with and remove some of the sting of depression can be found here: http://www.livestrong.com/article/27958-...ion-panic/

I already mentioned diet and exercise - so you can be killing two birds with one stone there.

Cuddle more. Instead of doing 'it' aim for quiet time together cuddling. Even sitting side by side on the couch watching your favorite movies with your legs touching has incredible positive effects for people.

Human touch is a curative, research shows that human touch releases endorphins like serotonin. Serotonin boosts can help reduce depression.

I seriously doubt that you will get his libido way up there with you, but you can chip away at his stumbling blocks and level this playing field a bit.

Also, don't be afraid to make a fearless inventory of your own issues. Yes you have issues - everyone has issues. You need to list them and then work together toward working on those that can be done in a team situation. Not only will it help you, it will remind him that you are an imperfect, flawed human being just like he is which should help him to accept his own imperfections and flaws more.

[Zennyboy]

As said before communication is the key, though you say you spoken to him, and left out the "unwanted bits" it seems he is blocking it from his mind. He is creating a defensive wall against his problems, the only thing is i believe he doesnt realise the extent of the wall he is creating is causing communication problems between the two of you as well.

I agree with Bowyn statements about creating more human interaction, specially from the sounds of it, it is needed in your relationship, you will have to put your sexual erges on hold for a while im affraid, because the underlining problems rests with the fact that you yourself have said, is the sexual erges are one sided.

You love him enough, you will be able to do this for him. It wont be easy, hell i know, had to go through this sort of thing myself, but reading what you wrote i believe strongly you can control yourself for his sake.

Cuddle, watch movies together, talk... and i mean talk about everyday things, talk about family, ask questions to things you still arent clear on about him, this will help him open up abit more.

As i said he seems to be creating a defense and closing himself up in it, its what people do when they are depressed in order to protect themselves.

If there is anything, anything at all i would encourage would be to try and get him to open up, as stated before chip away at his defenses, encourage him to cry if its something that getting him really down in the dumps, but communication and human interaction, touch, cuddles, watching stuff together, just being close to him (I know i sit across the room from my partner but not everyone is the same so dont take all this literally because only you can make judgements whats best suited to your relationships)

I will help anyway i can, ive helped so many people when its comes to depression before, i even got my partner off anti-depressants and counselling before &^.^ so just PM me or something and i will try and get back to you in any way i can in order to help

[lawdddvoldemort]

It looks to me like this is gearing up to there being a person who he feels is (very???) unattractive. And that person is not you, it is himself.

Self esteem issues are most likely tied up here with other stuff. How you all work on these things depends on specifics to his self esteem issues.

Careful with telling him everyday:

"I love him regardless & I don't love him for looks."

Why? Because a broken record can be annoying and it does nothing to fix the underlying problems. If anything it can quickly lead to resentments. You will end up resenting him because you feel you have to 'carry him' through life and he will resent you because he will feel he is not living up to the relationship contract. It also reminds him each time that he is distant from you, being reminded constantly can have a negative impact.

Find ways to show him that you love him and you feel he is the hottest dude in town. How that is done depends on you and how you usually approach 'hotness'.

You say you are not twinks. What does that mean? Does this mean you saying you both are unfit physically and there is room for improvement?

If it is then you two can take pro-active steps towards solving one issue together. It does not have to be an extreme 'lets go on the Atkins diet' or 'lets join the gym' - it can be simple things such as switching out a carb with a fruit or veg with every meal, or going to the mall every Saturday morning and walking around the mall window shopping together....

Wow! This was some really good advice. If I didn't know anyy better I'd think you were a therapist. I do agree with basically everything you said & I'll try my best to work on it. Lol when I said we weren't twinks I meant like super skinny..we both are skinny for the most part but not WAAYYYY too skinny. But again I do thank you, that was really good advice that I'll take into consideration

[lawdddvoldemort]

Hi and welcome.

Depression can be very debilitating .
I would be more concerned with getting him professional help.
In the mean time try to remember it is not you , it's the depression .

The same goes for fear of catching Aids , it will stop your sex drive dead.
Either way get him the help he needs.

I've had professional help before but stopped going because the lady wasn't really confronting and you can tell she didn't want to be there. He wouldn't be interested in seeking professional help at all, though I know he needs it.

And I know he doesn't have a fear of AIDS. We've talked about it a lot.

Thank you for your words of advice :]

[megumidesu]

Actually he has admitted before that he's depressed but I get depressed too, probably more than him.

depression is different for different people

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Wow! This was some really good advice. If I didn't know anyy better I'd think you were a therapist. I do agree with basically everything you said & I'll try my best to work on it. Lol when I said we weren't twinks I meant like super skinny..we both are skinny for the most part but not WAAYYYY too skinny. But again I do thank you, that was really good advice that I'll take into consideration

Hmm - I just did a lot of living. the exercise thing is still important though when it comes to depression. And so to can be diet modifications. Healthier eating leads to a healthier outlook on life.

I've had professional help before but stopped going because the lady wasn't really confronting and you can tell she didn't want to be there. He wouldn't be interested in seeking professional help at all, though I know he needs it.

Finding a therapist is much like finding a partner in life, or a good friend - some times one doesn't mesh well with a therapist so they need to find one they can mesh with.

Until he wants help there is nothing more that can be done. Now days there are low dose antidepressants (drug therapies) that work for many people, and too there is therapy/counseling.

Depression is usually not a stand alone issue. Few people are really just chemically imbalanced and are fixed by chemicals. Depression is usually a symptom of many other underlying issues and of course issues arise out of depression.