Now what do I do???

[Geminize]

My friend and I have been dating a few weeks. Dinners, walks, looooong talks about life, love, friendship, etc. He's the first guy I've ever dated, and it's been great. Last night he came over and we ended up just snuggling and dozing in bed. He couldn't stay, but I woke up very happy this morning.

I checked in with him by email, and he sent a long reply. His last relationship was complicated, and came to a painful ending a couple years ago. Our intimacy has brought up some feelings that he is struggling with today. I think I'll give him some time and suggest we go on a walk tomorrow.

Our growing friendship and intimacy is also pushing me to grow. I'm closeted, and it will be impossible to continue with him unless I come out. When I allow myself to imagine what that would be like, it feels like it would be a huge relief to have it done, behind me. I've spent the past 20+ years creating a life as a husband, father, business owner in a small community. To make this change now feels like more of a leap into chaos than I want. We've talked about this, but after last night I think he feels vulnerable because of my hesitation.

Everyone's situation is different, but I know many guys here share similar struggles or have been through it already. I'd appreciate insights, cyber hugs, shoulders to cry on...

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hey Geminize welcome to GS.

If you have a look through past forum posts you will see that your situation is not as uncommon as you may think. While other people who have been in similar situations, including myself, will offer you a whole range of advice, we don't know you and we don't know anything about you except what you've posted. What I'm saying is that only you know what's good for you, and whether coming out is the right thing to do.

There are plenty of gay closeted men who have very successful relationships, but choose to keep their private life private.

At the moment you say your in a growing relationship and that's great, but are you ready to cohabit and commit to each other, or is it too early? Only you will know that.

What I would do is sit down with your friend and have a talk about the C word - commitment. What it means to you and him, what the practical challenges may be, and about how fast or how slow you want to take things. The main thing is that you don't feel pressured into coming out before your ready, just to keep the relationship going.

If you talk about developing the relationship and he cares about you, then whether your out or not should not be an issue between you, and he should be supportive of the journey and its challenges that you will take in the process.

Good luck.

ObW
X

[ChadCoxRox]

At your age it really isn't the specific business of anyone specifically is it??? I suggest that your "coming out" might not include any specific "coming out" except as necessary when in interactions that "show it" without your having any need to declare it. If someone asks directly you might prepare to be fairly matter-of-fact "yep, what a nice suprise?" and it's no further an issue for discussion if you are not comfortable about it or in some cases more cryptic with a "what does that matter?"

This is how I've "come out" at our age and I've yet to run into any concerns yet, EXCEPT for work. There my role is mission critical and all the support staff are VERY bigoted so I've taken small steps to maintain my privacy there.

Your maturity, healthy boundaries and attitude have EVERYTHING to do with the experience, not "theirs." I don't mean to sound insensitive and I don't know the intimacies involved but I do wish you all the best in the effort!!

[Geminize]

Thanks, ObW. I'm not looking for advice, since as you pointed out, you don't really know me. I do find the kind of support and insights that I see shared here to be very helpful in sorting out my own feelings and decisions. The collective experience in this forum is an amazing resource!

It's way too early in this relationship to be thinking about cohabing. We both own houses, and we may just develop a great friendship rather than a committed relationship. We care about each other, for sure. We are taking the time to get to know each other and explore the feelings that emerge. He is sensitive to my fears, and I'm just discovering the leftover pain he has from his last relationship. If nothing else, I think we offer each other a chance for healing and growth. Beyond that, time will tell.

[Geminize]

Thanks, CCRox, you don't sound insensitive at all.

At work I'm the boss, so I get to fire any insensitive assholes. Fortunately, I tend not to hire any in the first place. My coming out would send some ripples through the business, but nothing serious.

My main concern is for my kids, both teens and just discovering their own sense of sexuality. My coming out could be an amazing gift to them, if it allows me to be more authentic and happy. We have very open communication between us, so I know I could approach the issue with them in a healthy way.

This is simply a challenge of changing my self image (simple, but not easy). Beyond that the pieces will fall into place. I may lose some old friends, and that could hurt. Friendships that don't support who I am aren't worth keeping, I know. I don't do drama, so I'll face what life brings as I make my choices.

[Bookworm]

From what you say, he sounds like he's interested but perhaps a little hesitant to open up fully and commit. He's obviously been hurt in the past and some emotional scars can take time to heal, but he's getting there by the sound of things and your'e both communicating how you are feeling to each other which is a good sign. It's important to keep honest discussion going.
As he is the first guy you have dated, that may well add to his hesitancy perhaps, and make him cautious as you are in uncharted waters here yourself so it's a big learning curve for you too.

Just take your time and enjoy each others company and see how things develop. You have a very positive and mature outlook on life which will stand you in good stead.

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Geminize ,

First let me say I have two shoulders , one to lean on the other to cry on.

Secondly ,there is nothing wrong with you ,it is perfectly normal to be Bisexual, and as for your sexuality that is no one ones business but your own, do not define yourself through your sexuality.

That being said ,I don't envy you one little bit, I understand completely how difficult this situation is, especially in a small town , and with children involved.

Twenty years of building is a huge amount of time , but the more you suppress something the faster it begins to float up to the surface and starts nibbling away at your very core .
Twenty years is also a very long time to live a lie.

I know you are not looking for advice , hence I offer you support and acceptance.


We are all here for you , so keep us posted.

[Geminize]

:bighug:

Twenty years is also a very long time to live a lie.

I know you are not looking for advice , hence I offer you support and acceptance.

We are all here for you , so keep us posted.

Thanks Rainbow, I figured I'd hear from you. :-) Don't get the wrong impression, though. I didn't live a lie for 20 years. I was happily married to a wonderful woman. We changed and grew apart, unfortunately. Our divorce is what has allowed me to explore my bi nature, but I could have gone on loving her for years.

[Rainbowmum]

I respect you immensely for that.