Introverts finding relationships

[jdawg903]

Great question to ask! I learned some new stuff from people that have posted myself. I feel as though I am an introvert. I am pretty shy around people I don't know and starting conversations can be a challenge. However, Once I get to know someone or people, I usually open up much more. I recently was reunited and hung out with a friend until he moved last week, who was an extrovert. I have to admit it made me more outgoing and a little more confident about talking to people. So. if you are really worried about being an introvert, I would suggest finding some friends that you can be comfortable around. I would also suggest striking up a quick conversation with the grocery clerk or cashier at a store. It non-threatening and it's good practice for introducing yourself to someone you might be interested in. Good Luck my friend!

It's definitely true, striking a conversation with someone like a clerk, or waitress is great! You'll be able to judge how well they interact or respond and you can certainly adjust your initiation for conversations as a result. It's a great way and I find myself doing this a lot too. Everyone wants to be approached and complimented in some way, or have something funny said to them, or have something mentioned that they can relate too (look for clues on a person that you can identify with and bring that up, for instance a shirt with a band you like or have listened too, or a really long lineup at the grocery store, or even just ask how their day is going etc.)

[Pix]

Helping people and being nice...while not being a pushover that others could walk all over and obviously having my own life. I guess it's a balance, but it's not something I planned out so it's hard to explain. In short, I proved myself someone worth having without actually setting out to do that.

However, others are nice and they draw the abusers and can come off as pathetic because they're seen as "spineless" and/or "trying too hard to be liked." I would guess that if you can find ways to connect with people (you don't have to be an extrovert to do this) and are a good person without thought of manipulating or seducing others into a relationship then you can draw them in (if you simply can't feel kindly to others without some thought of reward then it's best to forget this). Of course there's a difference between being thoughtful and bending over backwards, and because there are so many definitions of nice and being kindly without reward I'm frustrated at trying to think on how best to describe it and I'm finding I just can't do it. But if it helps here's other ways to mess up being nice:

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/n...guys.shtml

If you have no friends then maybe it's time to think of volunteering somewhere. Without knowing the specifics of your life that's all I can say, hope something was inspirational.

[72jay]

Hello:

I've had short term boyfriends, but Ive never had a relationship. Mainly because of my Victorian mindset towards romance and relationships (I think).

Im just wondering if there are any introverts, "wallflowers", or "quiet types" out there who found someone and are in a good, solid relationship.

If so, how did you find each other? Did you date or was it "love at first sight"?
How long have you been together?

Im just stuck. Im not good at meeting people, never have been. Even though Ive been on some dating sites and met "friend of a friend", and that sort of thing, nobody has really been interested.

How does a person who doesnt play headgames, lie, cheat, and bed hop find a decent mate?

I can certainly relate to some of this:
I'm quiet/shy/no good at meeting people & always have been that way (maybe gotten alittle better with shyness over the years but thats all)
I tend to believe in long-term relationships ( or 'true-love' or whatever they call it) LOL Never had any interest in one-night stands or simple hookups
Have never been in a relationship (or ever even dated anyone) ... and now pretty much figure thats the way its always gonna be (not that being single is such a bad thing, but at some times it would be nice to have someone.)

[spencer]

I'm an introvert so I typically do online dating sites. It's less awkward. The only downside is I end up finding people who live far away.

Introverted or not it's going to be hard to find the right guy. Everyone will (okay most everyone) will have to sift through multiple guys before finding the right one. The tricky part is when you're introverted you have less opportunities if you're not going out as often. Which makes the internet a wonderful thing. But I guess you could also think about where would the typical introvert hang out? Probably not at a bar (although I don't think it's wise for ANYONE to look for a relationship at a bar but I guess it could happen and not end up bad), perhaps at more quiet places, maybe an art museum, or the library, I dunno, personally I don't hang out at either but I'm also social phobic so I don't go anywhere. And yeah those typical aren't "where to go to meet people" but if you want to meet people of a certain type you'll want to go the places they would typically be at. Especially if it's the less socal person. I guess just think about where would a person find you? Be at the places you like to go to and perhaps try to be a bit more open to talking to people when you go to these places...although it can be much easier said than done.

[MikeMG]

I was very introverted when I was young, maybe somewhat less now after working on it for years. I just had this conversation with a friend I know pretty well for about 5 years. He said that the first time we were as a small dinner party together he though I didnt like him because I was so quite. He knows now that's not how I feel, but gee, I didn't think that I was doing that when I met him.

So my point is, sometimes you are sending out the wrong signals just by being too quite. In high school people though I was stuck up, in college I was, reserve, and in the gay scene I was standoffish. All the whole time I wanted to be part of the party.

So of course, if you are shy, then the only guys that you might ever hook up with are the ones that come up to you first. That cuts out a real lot of potential partners.

My advice it try to stretch that comfort zone. I agree with other post that some people are born that way so you really cant expect to become an extravert. But that doesn't mean you cant change a little bit to open the door to more possibilities.

By a strange twist of fate, I got into a job that was very publicly oriented. It forced me to get over some of the fear and just be myself. It shocked my family and friends that I would even take the job, but to be honest, I didnt have a choice at the time so I did it as sort of a short term learning experience. Before I realized it, I had been there 3 comfortable talking in front of complete strangers.

Open up a little more and trust me, the extraverts will come rushing in the door and help you pry it open. They just need to know that they are welcome and the door is open.

[Undreamt]

My advice it try to stretch that comfort zone. I agree with other post that some people are born that way so you really cant expect to become an extravert. But that doesn't mean you cant change a little bit to open the door to more possibilities.

By a strange twist of fate, I got into a job that was very publicly oriented. It forced me to get over some of the fear and just be myself. It shocked my family and friends that I would even take the job, but to be honest, I didnt have a choice at the time so I did it as sort of a short term learning experience. Before I realized it, I had been there 3 comfortable talking in front of complete strangers.

Open up a little more and trust me, the extraverts will come rushing in the door and help you pry it open. They just need to know that they are welcome and the door is open.

Very good advice, and sometimes work can be a good motivator.
Try working in a call center when you don't like talking on the phone, I worked hard to socialise, get to know management and get into a role off the phones as soon as possible.

[matthew91]

I'm a real 'hardcore' introvert. However people often say that all introverts are shy, but thats not the case. I am a little shy but I used to be a trembly mess. I can talk quite well to new people however I can't do small talk such as talking about the weather which can make things awkward with new people. I like talking about things I'm passionate about or have real meanings, if you could get away with talking about things like this with a stranger everything would be amazing.

I work with hundreds of people every day and it drains my energy (Which is what introversion is) so when I get home I sit in my room all evening to recharge. This makes it hard for me to socialise because sometimes all I want to do is hide away from people because I've already reached my 'quota'. I sometimes struggle to know how people just managed to get a partner cause they saw them and chatted to them on a train like I read in a previous post. How someone can have 'the balls' to talk to a stranger out of the blue like that, I have no idea.

I have dated guys but never actually been in a relationship (calling each other boyfriends, kissing etc.). All of the people I have dated I have met on a dating site or Grindr. I don't think you can really just meet someone and immediately get into a relationship, you have to have a solid friendship first and see where it ends up. But even there are these problems I definitely do not wish I was anything other than Introvert. It is who I am.

[azulai]

While I'm not a fan of all the labels, there is no denying that I am an introvert. As matthew91 described, it is more about identifying the need to recharge quietly after being amongst people. I think some people tend to confuse introversion with shyness. I'm not shy and can be sociable, but it exhausts me. :tongue: I'm more comfortable being by myself and actually need alone time to process my thoughts, problem solve, and delve into creativity. I think shy people tend to want to be extroverts and that causes internal conflict.

Im just wondering if there are any introverts, "wallflowers", or "quiet types" out there who found someone and are in a good, solid relationship.

If so, how did you find each other? Did you date or was it "love at first sight"?
How long have you been together?

I met my bf at a school function (LGBT sponsored lecture series, the social/reception that followed). I think it was "awareness" at first sight. I think my first reaction was Wow! He has a brain and he smiles! We've been together for almost 2 years. We're both quiet and can spend time in the same room/together but each doing our own thing. That was important to me. I think a relationship is about learning each other and growing together.

Im just stuck. Im not good at meeting people, never have been. Even though Ive been on some dating sites and met "friend of a friend", and that sort of thing, nobody has really been interested.

How does a person who doesnt play headgames, lie, cheat, and bed hop find a decent mate?

After a rough period about 5-6 years ago, I spent quite a bit of time working on me and getting my act together. By learning and being honest about my faults and areas I need to work on, I accepted myself and became more comfortable in my own skin. I think it was the best gift I could have given myself. It's an ongoing process but I feel like I've made real progress in respecting myself.

My recommendation is to work on yourself, and do things you enjoy. Volunteer and think outside of yourself. You be the one that doesn't lie, cheat or play head-games. Someone is going to notice.

My bf and I met during one of our most difficult and hectic semesters. Neither one of us was "looking;" it was more like stumble into each other. So don't think a relationship is hopeless if you are an introvert. Best wishes!

[MisterTinkles]

I feel we need to start an introvert club....LOL. Or would introverts even show up? LOL.

As many wonderful posts have been put on here, none of them really answer my main questions--

HOW do you actually meet someone?
Although I am the "quiet type", thats usually just because Im not familiar with you, or you with me. I cannot judge a person on just one meeting sometimes, or even after a few meetings....so sometimes it takes me a while to get to know someone. But until *I* get to know them, I cannot open myself up, and when I finally do, the other person "cant handle" my personality.

In all fairness though, I did have one guy ask me to marry him, which took me by shocking surprise. The guy was super nice, always paid for everything, loved cats like I do (which is hard to find in any man), but he was as dull as a blunted plastic knife. He never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. He was pretty much an introvert too I guess, now that I think about it. Of course I didnt realize any of this at the time...I was just in shock. I ended up turning him down and then never heard from him again. I guess thats just as well if he wasnt really that serious about it.....he would have kept dating me, right?

I dont even remember how I met him, it was so long ago.

But Im at a loss of HOW you actually MEET people. I dont "do" dating sites anymore, because they all charge for it now. Im not going to spend money on something that I have no gaurantee of working. I dont "meet" people in bars or clubs, I go to those places to have fun with a friend or to just "get away" from the dullness of regular life. I dont do social clubs, like the museum or art clubs, book clubs, or anything like that. I dont like crowds, although I did "bite the bullet" again once and signed up for some college classes, which didnt last long.


There was a guy on another site I liked. He seemed really intelligent (major turn on for me), he had pale skin and dark, long hair (again, turn ons for me). I wasnt going after him by any means, but I did want to try and strike up an email friendship or something. I sent him a personal email through the site, but never received a reply...which is standard for me when I do actually take the first step. And yes, that is taking the first step, in my book.

Its not that I havent "bitten the bullet" and done some out-of-character stuff to try to meet someone, its just I dont know HOW or WHERE to do it. Hell, Ive even gone to clubs inrag before just to get some attention, but even though some guys loved me in drag, im back to being invisible when Im myself.

I dont even post my pic online anymore, cause when I do, people stop responding to me altogether. Yes, apparently I AM that ugly. Of couse, then again, pictures sometimes make you look worse than you are.


Im just curious as to any longterm couples out there. How did you meet, and how long have you been together?

As I have stated in other posts, Im not really lonely, just alone. I dont go looking anymore really, simply because its a waste of time. My last "date" was in 1997, if you need a time reference.

I would probably be happy if I could have a pet, but pet deposits are more than the freeking rent nowdays, so that keeps me from having another pet.

Hell, I wouldnt even mind another roommate, I miss my last roomie, we had a ton of fun together. And I think it is still funny that a gay man had to teach a straight man how to pick up a woman! He was an introvert also, and very shy in public. Of course I worked with him for a few months at the part time job I had at the time, so we got to know each other for a while before I even considered asking him if he wanted to be roomies.

So, its not that I DONT meet people, its just that I meet people, but not the kind of meeting people I want to be involved in. Does that make sense?

I just think it would be nice to come home and talk to somebody once in a while.

[Evan88]

Me... Im an introvert/wallflower.

Im not even noticed that much in school.. But then, lucky me because I had friends which are closet gays and both were good looking (2 separate incidents though). They are acting masculine, not effeminate. It just happened that they showed interest on me (maybe they have a hint or gaydar whatever u call it), and then it happened. Those relationship also lasted because they were my friends.. We had our friendship as foundation and I think it did helped.