Paranoia

[Anonymous]

Hi, how can i learn NOT to be paranoid about my partner?
Example: if he go on a shopping trip with his friends i always get paranoid that he is lying and maybe meeting someone else.
He never cheated (as far as i know) but i get worried because he is a good looking lad and maybe im scared people may come onto him.
He also has past partners in the places he gos shopping. And i never am allowed to go with him because it is his time apart from me. (space)

Which i understand everyone needs space.

My problem is not him it is myself.
Deep down i trust him with my life but theres always a nagging gut feeling something is wrong?
Also there are no past partners for me who have cheated etc.
And i have never ben like this before.
Maybe i am just scared of what could happen.

Any help to teach me how to stop it because it is now causing many problems because i cant keep my mouth shut and i start arguments without meaning to.

help me please guys

[Roxy]

Hi, how can i learn NOT to be paranoid about my partner?
Example: if he go on a shopping trip with his friends i always get paranoid that he is lying and maybe meeting someone else.
He never cheated (as far as i know) but i get worried because he is a good looking lad and maybe im scared people may come onto him.
He also has past partners in the places he gos shopping. And i never am allowed to go with him because it is his time apart from me. (space)

Which i understand everyone needs space.

My problem is not him it is myself.
Deep down i trust him with my life but theres always a nagging gut feeling something is wrong? Also there are no past partners for me who have cheated etc.
And i have never ben like this before.
Maybe i am just scared of what could happen.

Any help to teach me how to stop it because it is now causing many problems because i cant keep my mouth shut and i start arguments without meaning to.

help me please guys

I know exactly how you feel! It sounds like a lack of self confidence on your part. Try to be more confident in yourself. I have the same issue in everything lol. My friends, my family ect. I always feel like they're going to drop me or that they are only 'putting up with me'.

One of the things that helps me is finding things about myself that I love. Continually going over the 'favourite qualities' about myself. Also I keep myself busy, if I start to feel the anxiety and paranoia then I get up and do something either with the ones I am worrying over or other friends that are around me.

Although it can be hard, really push yourself to overcome those thoughts. Sometimes mind over matter really works. Even talking to your partner about how you feel and asking them to be patient with you as you try to overcome this.

My friend told me something she liked about me every day for a few weeks and had me write them down so that when I felt those negative emotions come up I could read through all the things that she loved about me. It helped alot.

I hope this helped in some way =)

[Blue]

Wait, you claim you trust him; then why are you suspicious of him? Sure someone my hit on him but, if you trust him, then you know he won't take them up on it.

Stop projecting what past partners did to you on your current partner - they cheated, not him.

Yes may be you need some more self confidence but, you definitely need to put the past where it belongs and get it off your partner's back.

[Roxy]

Also there are no past partners for me who have cheated etc.
And i have never ben like this before.

He's not pushing his past onto his partner, Blue, or am I misreading this?

[Rainbowmum]

Unfortunately we can not erase experiences from our past .

That being said ,we also can not punish ,accuse ,suspect someone in our life that has not done these things , it's not fair and buys you a ticket to "Single and available."

You say you trust him , but do you trust yourself?
If you looked like him would you be faithful to someone like you?

Will the happiness you feel with him disappear ?

Low self image can often lead to insecurities, you will project those feeling onto another because you feel , he is too good looking , you are lucky he gave you the time of day , you do not deserve him, and round and round you go.

Stop! Get off the insecurity merry-go-round.
Start seeing yourself as worthy ,as important as someone that deserves happiness.

In other words love yourself , more importantly accept yourself for who you are.
These changes will not happen over night , but if you work hard at them they will happen and you will see and accept and love yourself for who you are.

Never punish someone in your life for something someone has done in your past.

[pellaz]

... always a nagging gut feeling something is wrong ...

are your sure your nagging gut feeling something is wrong is because you thought often about cheating on him. Have you two set some limits about cheating, stealing, lying. Have you talked about this with him.

take the effort to verify he is not cheating and be done with it. Hack into his cell phone, computer, email account, look at his credit cards. Do what ever just once but when your done and find nothing wrong you need to be able to trust him till you detect a big shift in his attitudes. you have to balance the bad of spying on your partner vs the lack of trust.

[MikeMG]

He also has past partners in the places he gos shopping. And i never am allowed to go with him because it is his time apart from me. (space)

This concerns me. Your gut is probably picking up this vibe. It's true, people need their space sometimes but usually not much when you are in the throws of a new relationship. Usually its the friends that get sidelined.

The fact that his "me time" is with his X is kind of throws up a red flag. In a real relationship, you want to show off your current love interest to the world. Especially to the X to show how much better they are doing without them. Sure maybe he is really pals with them but in that case, he would want you all to know each other and become friends.

There is no reason his "me time" has to revolve around past sexual relationships. Unless, he is still flirting with them under the pretense of shopping. What, he cant go to the beach or a library for his "me time"? Are there no other stores he can shop in? I mean really, how many x boyfriends do you need to have to say I just cant go shopping without running into my x boyfriends?

[LateBloomer]

This concerns me. Your gut is probably picking up this vibe. It's true, people need their space sometimes but usually not much when you are in the throws of a new relationship. Usually its the friends that get sidelined.

The fact that his "me time" is with his X is kind of throws up a red flag. In a real relationship, you want to show off your current love interest to the world. Especially to the X to show how much better they are doing without them. Sure maybe he is really pals with them but in that case, he would want you all to know each other and become friends.

There is no reason his "me time" has to revolve around past sexual relationships. Unless, he is still flirting with them under the pretense of shopping. What, he cant go to the beach or a library for his "me time"? Are there no other stores he can shop in? I mean really, how many x boyfriends do you need to have to say I just cant go shopping without running into my x boyfriends?

Yeah. I don't want to feed the paranoia, but I totally agree with this.

I wish ex's would just disappear.

[AquaKnight]

Speaking from experience you have to be able to take a long look at yourself and realize what you are worth. In my past relationship I was very conscious of my partner and I was very protective to the point that I pushed us apart. You have to trust them because if you don't it will drive them away. Besides if they do mess around then they ared oing you a favor and setting you free. No one is ever worth sacrificing you. I am now dating someone who has very different views on sex and it is liberating to say that i trust this person despite how relaxed they are with things that bothered me before. I would have never been able to do this until I decide I needed to let go of my fears because you will never be truly happy with someone until you do.