Not able to achieve orgasm?

[Anonymous]

Hi guys,

I don't know if this is common, but I can't have an orgasm when my boyfriend performs oral sex or gives a handjob. It feels good, especially the oral sex, but I just can't get off for whatever reason.

Has anyone else had this problem? Any advice? It's my first sexual relationship, so maybe I am just not used to it.

[Drew]

Yeah, I have this problem with guys sometimes. It's a problem I'm trying to solve too, but I think we all have different reasons this happens.

For me, I think it's a psychological thing. I think it happens more if I don't know the guy at all and it's a hook-up (something I'm not keen doing anyways and rarely do anymore) - I've noticed it get "easier" for me once I get used to a guy (if I get with him again for sex multiple times later). But especially the first time I can be anorgasmic and even go soft, which is embarrassing, b/c otherwise I'm really turned on.

I think it's part psychological, and part physical - maybe try not masturbating for a few days and get your hormones up before getting together. Sometimes that helps me. Relaxing and fantasizing about your partner during the day before seeing him may help too. Try different things; otherwise maybe seek a sex therapist/counselor who can help.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I have to assume that the only relief you have had in the past is by taking matters to hand.

The problem is that no mouth can actually match the friction that ones own hand can make, and no other person automatically knows your specific trigger points. Thus sex with another person is not as 'quick' to satisfy as masturbation.

Another aspect that may come into play is your level of trust with the individual. Our ability to relax and allow another to manipulate us in such a manner can be problematic for some.

Then there is the whole slew of various aspects of performance anxiety. If your experiences and knowledge base come from porn movies, chances are you have an few unrealistic expectations for sex.

You also said relationship, is this one where you two are in love/committed and the like or is this just sex hook-ups? IF it is just sex hook-ups, it may be that your comfort level for the intimacy of sex means you need to have sex in a well defined relationship.

If this is a relationship, perhaps there are other aspects of your relationship which is affecting you in bed.

I'm pretty certain there are several more things this 'could be'.


Understand that the majority of sex does not take place between the legs - it takes place between the ears. What you think while having sex has far greater impact than what goes on between the legs.

Thus things like foreplay, role playing and the like coupled with massage and building up the anticipation could be all you need.

[Geminize]

I'd guess it's very common to have a hard time getting to orgasm from a blow job or hand job. I've experienced that with both men and women. In time, I'm able to get there. It's probably partly psychological (being able to relax with someone while remaining aroused), and partly physical (both partners learning what is most stimulating). Talk about it with your boyfriend, stay playful and open, and I suspect you will get there before long.

[azulai]

I know you said this is your first relationship but how long have you been together? As the others have said it just might be that you need to relax.

Even though he has the same equipment, he still needs to know what you like and want.

You can try where you play around and masturbate and when you feel like you're on the edge get him to come down on you. That might free your mind a bit.

The other thing you might want to try is sit with your legs around each other (or how ever you feel comfortable) with your dicks together and masturbate together. Play around and learn each other's body.

[Counselor]

Oral is great, don't get me wrong, but I found there are other things that make me wild. For example, if I'm laying on my stomach, if someone rubs or kisses between the lower half of my rib cage down to my waist, I go batshit and maul whomever happens to be pounding my buttons with kisses, hugs and squeezes. Most of being able to feel that wild desire comes from knowing who you're with, and being comfortable with knowing what they'll do. It takes practice to be that relaxed, but if you want it, just focus on what you're feeling, any thoughts about the result will generate undue pressure.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all of the responses. I do feel relaxed when we're fooling around and I'm able to orgasm with him by "taking matters to hand" as Bowyn said. It could be psychological, but it might just be that he isn't going fast enough for me or creating enough friction compared to what I'm used to having from myself. We will have to try some other things and see what happens, but it's good to know it's not a totally uncommon thing. I feel bad because I don't want him to think he isn't satisfying me.