Mitch Wrote:so, I have a bf, but I am most often stalking MEN with beards and beef walking down the street or sitting across the restaurant, I just cant stop that, some times I wish they all would come onto me and try to get a piece of me and tear me up and kill me XD
Does that happen with you? doesnt matter whether you already are in a relationship or not.
"Tear me up and kill me...."
No I have never wanted that to happen - it sounds painful and not at all fun.
I'm not certain if this is a euphemism like 'fuck me to death' is a euphemism.
If this is literal that you want to be harmed by strange men, then you may have a serious self destructive streak and may seriously consider seeking professional help like therapy to address the underlying issues that lead to your wanting to be harmed. But then this may not be an option where you live...
Since you live in Pakistan, where there is a strong anti-gay undertone (to the point where death to the gay appears to be socially acceptable), such feelings may be the result of this social 'more' and the attitudes and a feeling that you should be 'punished severely' for being homosexual.
It is not healthy to want to be punished for your sexuality. It is a terrible thing and a great injustice to you.
If this is just an euphemism, like 'fuck my brains out' just a saying but not a literal thing, I would strike it up to your being 19 years old. Here in the states we have the saying 'young, dumb and full of cum' which reflects that young guys are usually full of wild oats (sexually hyperactive), and will do stupid things such as explore promiscuity with anything that moves for laughs (which can be dangerous, not only socially, but medically).
There is a point where the obsession with sex is unhealthy. I do not know if you are there. Since you are not actually acting out on this, I have to assume what you need is a bottle of lotion and privacy, or more cold showers until you eventually grow out of this phase.
Don't worry, ten years from now old age will start kicking in and you will find your interest in sex to start dwindling. That happens to most of us too.