Crushes : love the feeling or can't stand the torture

[Picsawashburn]

Ever since I was a really young kid I have been really prone to hard core crushes. A few of them have been on men but for the most part the really strong ones have been on women. Most of them don't really last that long but I have had a select few that have spanned the course of years. They all start at the first time I meet the girl and some of them have been almost crippling at the beginning. It will occupy my mind to the point of almost obsessive proportions. I think some of this has to do with the fact that all but one of these crushes have been for girls that I could not disclose my feelings to for obvious reasons. Like forbidden fruit. I will go to sleep at night trying to hold the image of her face in my head so that maybe I can dream about her. I will long to be in her company and make up excuses to be in places where I might run into her. Whenever this kind of crush hits me I always find myself wondering if I really enjoy the feeling or hate it. I feel so giddy and alive but at the same time tortured by the longing.

[princealbertofb]

Hello, Picsawashburn, and to GaySpeak... The pangs of longing that you describe sound like calls from the heart and are maybe your reminder that you aren't really happy in a straight relationship. There is obviously something there that needs to be quenched. However, you'll find, like us gay guys, that having a crush on someone won't necessarily make them fit for a relationship, especially if they are not looking for a same-sex relationship or adventure themselves. This terrain is fraught with misunderstandings, potholes of every kind and misery, if the object of your love or crush has no interest in a bond.
I think the reason why you don't allow yourself to have anything but crushes is because you are still not quite sure about what your sexuality and sexual orientation is... Maybe you have representations of lesbianism that don't fit with the image that is generally projected of lesbians. You may also have other reasons not to want to indulge or engage in this sort of dalliance, be they religious or social, or whatever.
But curiosity is a hard driver and can make us do things we'd never expect sometimes. I think you'd owe it to yourself to explore that aspect of your personality before the urge becomes so strong that you'll do something irreparable.
Does your partner know about these tendencies, is it something you can talk about with him?

[Picsawashburn]

Oh yeah we have discussed it frequently. It doesn't really bother him. He says that he is sad for me because I have this unfulfilled longing. He is actually really supportive. All of these crushes with the exception of two of them have been on straight women so exploring the feelings with them wasn't an option. The other two women who were gay actually expressed interest in me but when we tried to arrange a meeting it just never happened. The first chik quickly lost interest once she found out that I had no interest in telling everyone in the small town we live in that I was gay. I didn't mind being seen with her or even people finding out that I was interested in her but I wasn't going to make a huge life changing announcement just so she would have coffee with me. But I'm glad that worked out the way it did because she turned out to be not such a nice person. The second gay girl I crushes on really threw me for an emotional loop. I met her in a resturaunt bar where she worked. As I was leaving that night I turned to get one more look at her and to my astonishment she was already looking at me and then she grinned this little "I think your sexy" grin and then went on with her work. That night I immediately face booked her and asked Her if she wanted to get together sometime but there was no response so I just did my best to try to forget about it. Then about six months later out of the blue I have a message from her and she had been checking out all my gardening pictures. She told me all about her interest in doing farm related things so I again asked her out. This time she accepted but the day before we were supposed to meet she canceled due to some work related thing. This happened again about four more times. She even called me on the phone three different times where we had long enjoyable conversations. The last time that we were supposed to me for coffee she called me at nine in the morning to confirm the meeting but then called back ten minutes later and cancelled saying she had to be at work. She later sent a long text message explaining how sorry she was for canceling so many times and assured me that it had nothing to do with me but that her job was the culprit. Feeling extremely frustrated I just told that if she wanted to hang out with me to give me a time and place and I would be there. She still comments on my Facebook a pretty good bit but I feel like to ask her out again would make me seem pathetic so I don't .

[Picsawashburn]

So I wrote this really long reply this morning and when submitted it said that the reply would not be posted until approved. It still isn't showing. That's really frustrating. It took me a long time to write it.

[Picsawashburn]

Oh now it shows up

[princealbertofb]

Sounds like a bit of adversity of events going on with this second girl... What would happen though, if something were really to start off with this woman? How would you manage it with your husband about?

[Picsawashburn]

Well I don't enter into physical relationships casually so if I got to know her and wanted to Persue it past friendship I think I would have to end the relationship wih my boyfriend. We talked about that scenario and he said he is ok with me exploring physicality with another woman but wouldn't want to remain in a relationship with me if I found that I was something that I wanted to keep Persuing long term. See I don't have any close relationships with girls. I know I long to be close with a woman and I know that I think women are beautiful but I can't be sure if a sexual relationship is actually what I want from a woman. Some times I think I may just be one of those people who seeks to have really intimate friendships. I actually met this woman through my boyfriend so she knew about my relationship with him. She and I really only talked about hanging out as friends. I really want to just spend some time with a woman for whom intimacy would at least me a possibility so I could feel comfortable discussing my feelings with her and maybe come to a better understanding of what it is that I actually want. I have also considered discussing these things with a therapist..