Too old to be in doubt

[milkywaste]

Hi everyone.

I'm 34 years old, and since last year I'm married to a woman. My sexual encounters until now have always been heterosexual. But I'm coming to terms with the fact that for a very long time, perhaps since always, I've had very serious intimacy problems with women, up to and including unknowingly overstepping their boundaries with humiliating sex practices. Basically it suddenly dawns on me that I've rarely been able to fully enjoy sex with a woman unless somehow expressing or registering contempt for her at the same time.

My deepest and most long-lasting friendships and mutual emotional relationships have mostly been with men –*but I've never felt a direct sexual desire for male bodies. Well, never is an exaggeration. But only a very chosen few. And never acted on it. And I'm just fucking fonfused. I really don't know what to think about myself or do. I've been trying to look it up, but will now try to ask here: has anyone founded their sexual orientation and identity on emotional and spiritual mutuality and fondness rather than sexual desires per se? Or am I just describing an old-school misogynist?

If there's a coming-out story trying to come out here, it sure feels like a stupid one –*knowing myself this little seems absurd.

[Mitch]

This is a very serious matter for my experience, but I wish you a very good luck that you solve your matters and be happy, with your wife if that be possible

[pellaz]

welcome to gs

... but I've never felt a direct sexual desire for male bodies. Well, never is an exaggeration. But only a very chosen few ...

gay men dont like all of gods male creations. If there is a certain smile, look, color or something that attracts you to a person as a bf, this is normal.

your gay if you can maintain a same sex relationship. only a portion of this is sex.

I discovered i was gay about 2001(40years old) and was married with a teenager, home whole bit. I discovered gay relationships are mostly no different than straight, i had a deep friendship with my wife but about 2005 asked for a divorce. 2008 filed for divorce. In 2010 i met my current partner/husband. We broke up once, things have been good and bad but we have managed and want to stay together. Look at the time frame for this; i took it slow for my own sake. No one hates me for what i have done.

gay bi or straight relationships are mostly the same and MUST have communication, trust and RESPECT. Everyone is different but you might look at have kind loving respect for your self??

[Counselor]

Welcome to the forum!

Hi everyone.

I'm 34 years old, and since last year I'm married to a woman. My sexual encounters until now have always been heterosexual. But I'm coming to terms with the fact that for a very long time, perhaps since always, I've had very serious intimacy problems with women, up to and including unknowingly overstepping their boundaries with humiliating sex practices. Basically it suddenly dawns on me that I've rarely been able to fully enjoy sex with a woman unless somehow expressing or registering contempt for her at the same time.

My deepest and most long-lasting friendships and mutual emotional relationships have mostly been with men –*but I've never felt a direct sexual desire for male bodies. Well, never is an exaggeration. But only a very chosen few. And never acted on it. And I'm just fucking fonfused. I really don't know what to think about myself or do. I've been trying to look it up, but will now try to ask here: has anyone founded their sexual orientation and identity on emotional and spiritual mutuality and fondness rather than sexual desires per se? Or am I just describing an old-school misogynist?

If there's a coming-out story trying to come out here, it sure feels like a stupid one –*knowing myself this little seems absurd.

Nothing concerning your self-improvement is stupid. I've known for a long time that I preferred the company of men more than women, but that has always been in the way of making friends with men. While I enjoy same-sex intercourse, I also feel more fulfilled with same-sex friendships.

As for the humiliation, contempt, and intimacy issues, they sound very similar to a vein of frustration.

[Blue]

I think you need to take a step back and first figure out the root of why you treat women as you do. There is something there behind it and, you need to deal with that and, sort out anything that it related to it. A counselor may be of help here.

I don't know why you do that to women, and i don't need to know but, it is a form of abuse when it's non consensual, and it sure sounds like they are not expressly consenting to what you want to do. Now it may be just your kink, in which case you would fair better learning of and, getting into the BDSM world the RIGHT way where there are others that share that humiliation kink.

It might be something deeper like past abuse or trauma at the hands of a woman, and that take a lot of hard work on you to heal from.

Men are not going to like being humiliated during sex any more than women do (unless that's their kink) So, you need to fix that. or get with partners that want that from you.

Once that is settled, basing your sexual orientation on emotional rather than physical factors is actually a good thing, provided you do also enjoy sex with your chosen gender. Age will eventually get to us all and sex becomes less important and, in some cases less possible for us so, it comes down to the emotional connection that is going stand the test of time. but for now, forget about orientation and fix the humiliation issue, whatever it is.

[milkywaste]

Thanks, guys. All your answers are much appreciated. I am actually seeing a therapist and have been for a few months, dealing with my issues. I do bear some sort of self-contempt and there is something I have been suppressing for a long while, I just haven't realized yet what that is.

I have always valued my friends very highly, more so, for the most part, than my sex partners. That goes for both male and female friends – but my female friends have been fewer. An intellectual intimacy of thoroughly independent creatures is the sort of relation that I value most –*but find that the heterosexual relationships I have engaged in usually lead to serious dependencies. Intimacy and freedom always seem at odds –*and I don't mean the freedom to be promiscuous, but something much wider in scope and more precious.

But thanks a lot. I will go on exploring myself.

M.

[milkywaste]

Blue –*I want to thank you for the sound advice and also mention that fixing the humiliation thing is something I've beend doing for a while now. I am in a loving relationship with my wife, even if very tense at times –*and we have moved beyond this in our sex, which is intimate and strong. At the same time, however, I find myself seeking the same old themes in porn or other non-personal venues, finding outlet behind her back. But it remains an issue I'm dealing with in therapy.

'Age will eventually get to us all and sex becomes less important and, in some cases less possible for us so, it comes down to the emotional connection that is going stand the test of time.'

I guess I'm realizing this at a relatively old age. Not just that the emotional connection as primary, but also that you can't forge that with just anyone. Pick a hottie and then add emotional connection. But I still don't know if what I want from men is simply community, or something more intimate than that. And then what exactly. I have sexual fantasies about men, I have looked a man in the eye and been transfixed by the beauty of his gaze – but I can't say I'm interested in anal sex. Is it my own prejudice to think that anal sex is some sort of criterion for homosexuality? Is it not that important to many guys? Or what?

Sorry for this probably very ignorant question. I'm finding out I'm a novice at existence.

[Blue]

Ana is not an an indication of being gay or bi at all. First, some men, gay or not do not like anal at all, either giving or receiving. Second, a lot of straight me do enjoy both giving and receiving anal, and some women like receiving it.

A desire for anal says nothing more that that is one thing you like, or think you may like and, you probably like prostate stimulation - what man doesn't once he feels it. In now way is that related to orientation so, if that's what you want to base it on,forget that.

What you like in porn also is not indicative of orientation. A lot of straight guys like lesbian and gay porn but, are definitely straight.

You are right in that the emotional connection can't be with just anyone. Yes you can fake it, and even create some degree of it in a long term relationship but, that isn't the real thing - the real thing simply happens - even if you have no intentions of it happening, and don't really want it to happen with anyone at the time. It isn't something you create or build, it's something that just happens - even if you have no desire or intention of getting into a relationship with that person.

[elad12]

Thanks for your post. As someone who just came out at 60, I sort of understand what your saying. I did have sexual relations with other male up until around age 20 or so. I was also married to a woman for 30 years.Now that I have come out my desires are not really about sex although I'd like them to eventually lead to that. Mine are more about meeting, falling in love including the spiritual and emotional levels you mention. "Fondness" is a great word to describe what I am looking for. Hooking up is the last thing I want. I do find myself longing to hold and be held and the thought of kissing feels good too. I never knew I was such a romantic

[gilhooly]

Try having sex with a guy. Be honest with yourself. Do you like the sensations of being with a guy, or do you prefer the sensations of being with a girl. If you feel like humiliating a girl, you sound like a real creep. Lie down with a guy and French kiss for a while. Explore your emotions. If you like it, come out to yourself. Then start thinking about who else you should talk with.

Sex should feel warm and romantic. You should end with an orgasm and a big smile on your face. Laugh a bit and see if the person wants to do it again.

Humiliation can be addictive. Be very careful. You enjoy shitting on someone, pretty soon someone starts shitting on you.

Love feels great, there is nothing better between any two people.