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[Rainbowmum]

David I wish I could be there for you in person to help you through these awful flashbacks that seem real enough to make you fear , but all I can do is try to help you from afar.

You are safe now , you are safe from the cult .
These are just flashbacks of horror that feel real to you because your memories are true , terrible horrifying truths that you lived through and survived.

There is no knight in shining armor that is going to make everything fine ,and you do not need an evil creature in your life that digs up the past so he can be your hero.
He is as evil as them and he is gone .

You saved yourself ,you are your own hero , you survived and you are safe now.

You are no longer at their mercy, you no longer have to hide in the dark and not utter a word or dare to hope , that's the reason you have such a hard time with your emotions. it is becuase you grew up without the right to them.

But that is in the past and you are safe now.

You have the right to be angry , you have the right to shake your fist in the air and you have the right to be safe.

You survived and the best thing you can do is keep on living , there is no better revenge.

"Illegitimi non carborundum"

You are safe now!

[monk]

Bowyn, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I am utterly appalled at this creature's behaviour - I just don't understand how any human being can behave in this execrable fashion.

Take care.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Nevertheless, I thought I'd share an odd thought that occurred to me: maybe Blue is an evil spirit (or at least works for one), and if you kill yourself then maybe he (or his "patron") gets your scalp so to speak, because you surrendered to the power of the psychic/psychological attack. Don't let it win.

I am shocked by that thought.

Suddenly a lot of our conversations about such matters take on a more sinister twist here. This actually makes a bit of sense to me.

TV - LOL well I guess I could try that. I have been wearing headphones and blasting music so I won't jump through the roof every-time a squirrel runs across the roof.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

David I wish I could be there for you in person to help you through these awful flashbacks that seem real enough to make you fear , but all I can do is try to help you from afar.

You are safe now , you are safe from the cult .
These are just flashbacks of horror that feel real to you because your memories are true , terrible horrifying truths that you lived through and survived.

There is no knight in shining armor that is going to make everything fine ,and you do not need an evil creature in your life that digs up the past so he can be your hero.
He is as evil as them and he is gone .

You saved yourself ,you are your own hero , you survived and you are safe now.

You are no longer at their mercy, you no longer have to hide in the dark and not utter a word or dare to hope , that's the reason you have such a hard time with your emotions. it is becuase you grew up without the right to them.

But that is in the past and you are safe now.

You have the right to be angry , you have the right to shake your fist in the air and you have the right to be safe.

You survived and the best thing you can do is keep on living , there is no better revenge.

"Illegitimi non carborundum"

You are safe now!

Yeah no knights in armor anymore...

That is something he did do, he found my weaknesses and 'wishes' in a man and pretty much promised to fill them. Sort of fished and figured out my 'knight in shining armor' and pretended to be that.

Yes I know intellectually I am 'safe' and out of harms reach. But there seems to be no connection between the fore-brain and the hind brain.

While I know my mother is dead, I was believing for a few days this week she was still alive. I even reached the point where I was willing to go back...

Yeah I have the hard earned right to those emotions. Still isn't easy to use them/express them.

Even diamond can be ground down given enough time... There has been a lot of time passing and a lot of grinding.

I know I'm safe, it just doesn't feel like it.

[dfiant]

Was actually thinking the same thing that a few are actually expressing. If you let the hurt, pain, anger take over you and Kat are falling into his trap.

If this is his game, then winning the game to him would be see both you and Kat in the deepest of despair with the holy grail being your life.

The game changer for the both of you is the knowledge of what the goal is for YOU to win the game and setting about gutting this moron by continuing on with your lives as if this moron never existed.

He said in his own words, he wanted attention, he wanted to be needed, he wanted to have an impact...he is jacking off at the very thought of both of you in pain.

Show him you play his game better. Ignore him, and this will take time, get back to life before him.

[Counselor]

"Illegitimi non carborundum"

[Genersis]

Mr. Right... Does such a beasty exist? Thus far I haven't found him, and I'm now 46 soon to be 47 and I don't see much chances of finding so much as a decent man let alone 'Mr. Right'.

I've never really been a believer in "Mr. Right".
It's more just about finding someone who makes you happy and can share the rest of your life with. There should be quite a few of these people in existence.
It really saddens me that you've had such abysmal luck.(If you can call it "luck".)

I understand just saying the following rarely helps that much, but it should be said: try and keep optimistic...or least not pessimistic, it could help your emotional state recover at least a little quicker.

Again, my problem is far deeper. It also includes having my ancient childhood suddenly ripped out of the past, polished up and dropped on me.

I told Blue things about my family, he purposefully tried to convince me that he had been kidnapped by those people. He used old names from the long past and had me believing the cult was closing back in on me.

THAT has me still terrified and jumpy, that has be paranoid and wondering if I'm talking to real people or members of my family or another 'family'.

The nightmares are back, the flashbacks are back, the nightly screams in my sleep are back. Trust, what little I had has been shattered.

The horrors are back - even if I am 100% safe I don't feel at all safe. My instinct has me wanting to run and hide again. The dogs bark I panic - heart thumping panic.

ALL of the old wounds have been ripped wide open. It took me decades to get to the point where I could sleep and not have dreams. It took decades for me to be able to trust people. Its gone. and i doubt I have decades left to dedicate to refix all of that again.

There's really not much I am able to say to that.:frown:
I would strongly suggest cutting all contact with Blue(which I expect has been done already), and reduce any chance of future contact; He will only make things worse.
If you haven't tried one already, a therapist may be able to help.

[mrk2010]

Bowyn, I had sort of same experience as yours. I was deceived by a man on Gayspeak too. But it wasn't based on relationship.

Few years ago, a man claimed to be homeless and requested for help in this forum. I volunteered to help. I sent him money and a box of clothes, belt, undies, toothbrush etc. You name it. We kept in touch via phones and emails. I was elated to help this lad. I thought I was going to help a homeless man to start a new life.

One day he just disappeared with zero update.

It drove me insane. I was worried sick for him. I thought he had an accident etc. I tried not to think the worst of him.

Two wonderful friends in Gayspeak helped me by trying to trace this homeless lad. We found his house. We traced the library where he always stopped by. I was informed by US postal office that the homeless man did receive my parcel and money.

We searched him for weeks. If not months.

I eventually found the answer. The answer (still) makes my skin crawl. I don't want to elaborate but he is currently in prison. That's what I have been told.

I had trouble to grasp the truth. I lived in fear for months as he has my contact number etc. I kept denying the truth and tried to convince the other Gayspeak friends (Who helped me) that I wasn't living in denial.

I was hurt. I felt like being stabbed with a knife multiple of times. I had so many questions in mind. I wanted to know why he did such thing to me. Why did he lie? and such.

I received a lot of messages from Gayspeak members asking for the homeless man. "How is he doing? Is there any update?"

I had no idea how to answer them. I was embarrassed. I simply told them, "I don't know."

I kept this story to myself for years. Only those who helped me know this story. I honestly have no intention to tell anyone else this story but seeing what you've went through, I just had to share my story. My story and yours can be a lesson to others in this forum.

I had to live a hard life for months because of what he did. I think you will too. But I can assure you that life will eventually and slowly go back to its normal track. But under one condition - You have to forgive and let go. You shouldn't think too much and go depress on this unfortunate incident. The more depressed you become, the more triumph he will get out of you. That so called homeless man doesn't stop me from continuing to help others. Blue shouldn't stop you from living your life and finding true love.

I bet Blue is watching your every move in Gayspeak right now. I bet he reads this thread too. I cannot imagine how painful is it for you right now but DO NOT EVER fall and admit defeat on the hands of Blue. That's exactly what he wants to see from you. Bowyn, you went through a lot. You have survived and won. You can go through this too. You were born to be a fighter.

P/S: By the way, if you stop by at my country. Drop me a message. I can take you sightseeing and treat you a cup of coffee.

Is that a guy called Xandor by any chance? He asked me for money and stuff?

[AdrianMarcus]

You know, Bowyn, a friend of mine suggested I listen carefully to the lyrics of a Linkin Park song, called "Lost in the Echo" after I first came out, and though I'd heard the song before, I never paid close attention to the lyrics, and I wish I had sooner. Now I would say that the song is my life anthem. Check out the lyrics and if you like the genre, download it from itunes - it's a great reminder that our strength comes only from ourselves. Best of luck! Hang in there.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Still alive.

I took a couple pain pain pills, some muscle relaxants and even a couple of Sirius' Sedatives (Fireworks pills she no longer needs since she is partially deaf). The idea was to get myself into a dreamless sleep.

I guess it worked. I don't recall any dreams, and Dan says other than 'mumbling' and a little thrashing I wasn't screaming or overly 'panicked' in my sleep.


Therapy. I have seen so many therapists for 'issues' in my time. I doubt more therapy at this time will help.

I have considered taking a vacation at Ward B - Self commit myself for a while. I made myself a promise that I won't do anything 'stupid' for a week (6 days now) and if I'm still feeling like this I will admit myself to hospital for a while.

While I doubt more therapy will help, I do know that in hospital they give you all sorts of wonderful drugs which may help.