im not sure what to make of my anxieties.

[anxiou]

I dont want to type too much to where this drags on but i want it be as clear as possible.

Im in my midtwenties and im still dealing with intesnse social anxieties and constanly doubting myself im trying to work on my self confidence but so far its been goin very slow.. And its usually the same problem where i feel like people view me as weak and goofy looking even though ive been told im a decent looking guy i still have the limiting beliefs about myself that im jsut not good enough and that i know i give off a creepy demeanor due to being stiff and giving off an awkward vibe everywhere i go.. But a big part of the problem is that ive convinced myself that people see me as a women,, This started in highschool when i was smoking a lot pot i noticed that my mind would wander off and i think i started to care what people thought of me even more with the weed.. And one time i was hanging out with some people and this guy said something to me and i answered him back but i felt like my voice changed and i got nervous because right after i spoke the guy said ,, WTF?.. Looks like we got a pussy on our hands,... now i wasnt sure if he was speaking about the video game he was playing or me but he siad this right after i spoke,, and i felt my voice change so i got embarressed...

now that same week i had got on a bus and some men tryed to sell me some kind of product and i was very high on mariujuana and i told them no in a very upset way because i thought they were talking about me and saying that i looked like one of those babys that was born a women but they changed me into a man at birth and when i took my hat off my hair gave away some kind of sign of this.. i told myself this was all in my head but when were about to get off my friend told me to steal one of the guys hats and run off,,,, Now im not sure why he would tell me this,, I wasnt sure if it was because he sensed i was angry at them or because he too heard them saying things about me... ever since thise incidents ive convinced myself that people can see that i may be a women through my body language and mannerisms and im convinced my voice changes back and forth through out conversations.. ive been in siutations where i feel like people have noticed it and they think im strange.. Now ive never been into girly things and i dont know what to think about myself i cant tell if i look semi androgynous or what ive been told that i look like a man and soundlike one but i feel like theres something about me that shows that im gay or a women and i feel like people can pick up on this in a heartbeat like its completley obvious just the same as i feel like they can pick up on me having low confidence and being awkard anxioius.. i had discovered that i could masturbate to gay and tranny porn too which made me not sure about all this and later on had a couple of sexual encounters with men that i enjoyed and one of them even told me he thought i was gay and they all tryed to kiss me but i just didnt want too i just wanted them to fool around with and have sex with and i sill do enjoy sex with women but im constanly worried about letting loose infront of people because i feel like a gay side of me will come out like maybe my voice will change or something im not sure how to put it i mean im convinved people think im gay and i have even convinced myself that people think i am but i would love to prove that i could have sex with women too because ive had random erections when ive been near them and have had sex with them before but ive noticed i only masturbate to gay porn lately.. but .ive come to the conclusion that i have some sort of bisexual sex life. because its been a proven fact that i can have sex with both and enjoy it but only want to be romantically involved with women.. but as far as people seeing me as a women what could that mean?? i really need some answers to this.. i did read somewhere on the internet where this guy was masturbating to gay porn and he too felt like people thougth he was a women and he was concerned about this because he too knew he liked to be with women so im thinking its some kind of phobia but im not sure.. any advice.. sooryy so long,,,

[Beaux]

I had to read and re-read your post. I feel for you but I am not sure i can be of tremendous help, non the less, I will try.
I think there are a number of things going on with you. The reason I think this, is because there are particular statements you have made that I recognize from my own youth.
I think you have real self-esteem issues that go much deeper than looks. By all odds, I would wager that you are actually an attractive young man but you have suffered a tremendous amount of bullying because of your inclination towards the feminine. People either love you or immediately "hate" you. Am I close?
As far as the weed goes, drugs can get out of hand real quick if your suffering from low self-esteem. By lowering your inhibitions, young people who are having problems "being their self" often turn to weed because it "helps them relax". I personally don't have a problem with grass (I think it's a lot less destructive than alcohol) but I would urge you to lay off the pot for a while. You cannot develop as a person, if your stoned out of your mind.
Real friends don't gode you into stunts that can only lead to grief. I realize that making friends may have been difficult, and your grateful for the ones you have. However, please remember that a mentally and emotionally healthy person surrounds him or herself with other mentally and emotionally healthy people. When it comes to choosing your friends, you have to be genuinely selective (there is a song that says "pick your friends like you pick your fruit").
From what you have written, I get the impression that you are having difficulties "being in your own sexual skin". Perhaps you have struggled with the idea that you might be transgendered? If you are struggling with these feelings, please feel free to pm me. I am a certified counselor and would be happy to help put you in touch with reading materials, various hotlines and/or help you contact someone who specializes in gender diaspora and would be happy to talk with you free of charge.
In fact, if you would like to discuss any problems your experiencing, please don't hesitate to pm me.
Warmest Regards,
Beaux

[pellaz]

porn, gay or straight, is no big indication of anything because you can get your self off.

sexual orientation is an individual thing. You can be as sweet a person as can be but every body with brown eyes wishes they were a hazel.

Always include in your thoughts what is both negative and positive about your self.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Ive no real experience to be able to give you words of wisdom, however I did have to re-read your post a couple of times like Beaux.

Then I spotted this comment "i was very high on mariujuana"

Now I may be wrong here, but doesn't over use of recreational drugs cause exactly some of the issues and experiences you've described in your post?

ObW
X

[anxiou]

you know ive honestly thought after all these years that the weed is what triggered some of these negative beliefs that ive never put down because when it comes to social anxiety ive read that we have these negative beliefs about ourselves that arent true and until we realize that its our mind playin tricks on use then we will never be happy its like i will never be able to go to the store by myself.. thats a negative belief that ive convinced myself is true.. but im also having trouble with the gay issue because ive proved that i can have sex with men soo all i can come up with is that as humans we are capable of having sex with anyone and anything and society has made us believe it is taboo to do these things.. but i do know that ive never been interested in having feelings for a man because to tell you the truth it would jsut seem strange cuddling with a guy and then knowing he has facial hair it just doesnt make sense to me its almost laughable to see my doing something like that.. I mean ive had two guys say they wanted to kiss me while and this while they were giving me oral which i really enjoyed and it might not make sense but i think its wierd when guys kiss eachother. its strictly just sexual thing with me

[anxiou]

Honstly all i can come up with is that I view me masturbating and being able to have sex with a man thing as just that,, its just a sexual thing nothing more.. I dont care for being romantically involved and the guys that have tryed to kiss me i just havent done it and i dont know why.. I jsut want to keep it strictly sexual no kissy kissy or cuddling type of thing thats something that i dont mind sharing with a women.. And i would never date a guy either im not even sure what to consider myself as far as labels go.. But i do get extremely turned on thinking of gay porn over stargiht porn i think it has something to do with how diferent it is i really cant explain it. im gonna go masturbate to gay porn now,ha

[Aeneas]

ok.


so you used to be high on weed and sometimes people think you are a woman by the way you speak and by your mannerisms. i think this sums everything up.


and you seek advice on?


i suggest you seek professional help.

[anxiou]

i did go to a therpist but he never really gave me an explanation for anything..i almost felt like he didnt want to bother with any of it and just concentrated on the social anxiety stuff and none of the weird stuff.. IT just sucks because to this day i still dont have a real clue about why i think these delusional things and really want to get past thinking people view me this way becauase i cant ever seem to get out of my head when im out in public just constanly thinking im an obvious target or something..

[Aeneas]

well since none of us know you personally, it would be hard for us to judge your situation.


and it does seem that this anxiety of yours is taking a toll on your wellbeing.

perhaps try with a different therapist this is a psychological disorder you have - whether it is in your behaviour or in the way your mind interprets what other people see.

either way you need to feel good about yourself to have a healthy and fruitful life and you wont find the answers to your particular problem on the internet.

[vincentcollege]

On some parts of your story I can relate and other parts not at all. I will say that your concern about what kind of porn you enjoy is something you shouldnt concern yourself with. The same goes for labels...aka gay, str8, bi. My first experience with a male was him watching me jack off. I loved it, however, I didnt want any touching etc. I guess I was concerned about labels. Eventually we did more and you know what? I loved that too, and I stopped caring about labels. Sexuality is for enjoyment and you should enjoy yours no matter where it leads you in terms of the labels of gay str8 or bi. Do what you are comfortable with, but also consider exploring a little bit if that holds some interest. Find a partner you can talk to and discuss your fears and your fantasies. Trust is a big part of sexuality and the more you trust the more you will enjoy being who you really are. Maybe look into finding a girl that might be into you being with a man, lying by omission isnt fair to her or you...if you are in that kind of situation.