Should I Call It Quits or Keep Trying?

[Jamir]

Hello everyone!

Hope you are having a good week start!

I would love to get some insightful advice on this particular matter from anyone who would like to help. I'll make sure to make it as brief as I can.

I have been in a monogamous relationship for exactly a year now. But recently I have been having a lot of things that have me develop anxiety, stress and plain sadness. The issues I have at hand are not easy to handle but definitely something that has a solution. I have common sense ofcourse but here the story...

When I first met my actual bf I was coming out of a relationship with a man that was almost double my age. I'm 29 yo now. I lasted with this older man (I'll him Bob). Bob and I lasted 5 1/2 years. We hardly ever fought. The problem with him was that even though he was very attentive and thoughtful...he would hire escorts every time he would go out on business trips. Yeah i know you must be like how did you find that out? Well long story to make short I realized few things on our finances and excuses that raised flags and so I hired a spying company that would retrieve any text message, call and emails he would make and receive. So with that being said I monitored him for about 2 years. I know why wait so long? Well I was happy with him but all had a limit. So I broke up with him and he was devastated at first it the very same day I left him he hire an escort over our place ( the bed wasn't even cold to say the least!) however that's not the nature of my issue...

My issue is with my current bf (Jim). So Jim and I met in January of last year right after my breakup with Bob. When I met him...Believe me!... I never wanted to be back in a relationship this soon! However after a few dates, him and I clicked in such a way...that we both were elated of have found each other in such circumstances. Because we both were lonely and felt awesome to date someone our own age! (I have always dated guys 2-3 years older than me. Bob was the oldest I have ever dated). So I moved with Jim.

So due to nature of my job I had to go to NYC for 2 weeks. That happened in the begining of march of 2012. During my stay in the big apple Jim and i would talk for extended periods of time on the phone everyday it was like a love movie all was great! 1week before I was back home from NYC, Jim called me and told me he loved me. And when I heard that I felt truly happy because I felt the same way! (Not my first time dating, so I knew it was too soon to feel that way but despite that I let my guard down, it just felt right). While I was in NYC I never thought on anyone but him. I had deleted all my dating apps and online site accounts as well. I also told all my fwb I was seeing someone special but if that didn't work out I would contact them back. Now is when things get better...

3 days before been back home I called Jim at night as usual and he seemed to be in a rush to hang up. As if I called at the wrong time for him because our talk was very much brief and rushed to be hanged up. If I was naive I would have thought he either was in the shower but what came to mind right away was that he had someone of his fwb over and didn't tell me about it. At that point I felt sick and had a nod in my stomach but since I dint want to sound insecure or not trusting I swept it under the rug and waited til I was back home to ask Jim personally what happened that night.

Once back, all was great and I was so happy to see him and so was he. We grabbed dinner and after that he asked me (besides the trip and all I did in NYC) "did you hook up with anyone?" I immediately said "No I didn't , we said we wouldn't so I kept my word" he then said well from today we start clean then. So that to me confirmed my suspicion of what happened that one night I called him. So I figured since we never spoke about been committed before. And since we were establishing that I thought to let that go and just move on. He also asked me to pay half of the rent for the apt so that seemed logical and fair to me. .

Then over the summer we had a blast. No issues no problems worth mentioning. But right when August hit he started saying that he needed space because he wasn't used to be around someone 24/7. That was odd to me because if anything I was so happy to share moments with him on a regular basis. So that right there made feel bad. But I wanted to be the bigger person and try to understand him. Sure no relationship is healthy if you don't have time to miss each other. But I work from home so where am I gonna go? He doesn't have a job and hasn't have one since 2007. He actually has a "sponsor" that gives him an allowance to cover all his expenses. I knew about him since we met but since the "sponsor" lives abroad I didn't really care that much. At least he had an income. I know how that sounds but that's my reality.

Lately it has been a struggle because 1 week ago he gave an ultimatum that if I didn't give him time alone he wasn't gonna be responsible for whatever happened between us. So I asked what do you mean? Are you gonna cheat on me? He was like "no but we definitely break up, this is getting old" go out and do something go for a walk make friends do something! he said... I felt so hurt and before we use to share a fitness club membership so I could save up on that. But after what he said I figured to get my own membership and that way he would get his so wanted time alone. I'm honestly in love with him, he has great qualities so I am not trying to demonize him but i think i have gone out of my way in many things to be a good boyfriend and he doesnt seem to commit to anything thatnmatters to me or i have an issue with. He is very immature when it comes down to talk about feelings and issues. it all always ends in an argument. I asked him to get a job but since his sponsor has been in town he wants to be available for him so he said he would look for one once his sponsor leaves town.

Now another issue is about been intimate he rarely wants to have sex with me because he says even when you have a favorite pair of shoes sometime you gotta let them rest. But I have been able to confirm that he takes care of his "business" watching porn on his iPhone 2-3 times daily so no wonder why he doesn't want to be intimate with me. I had asked him to tell me either he is done doing that or before it. So I can take care of my own business. As I rather to save me for him. To which he said was ridiculous to ask him that... I just don't see why is so embarrassing to talk about that we both do it and both are guys. So why to be embarrassed about it. I just don't get it.

Another issue is that I had asked him to tell me where he goes because I have an issue not knowing where he is at. to which he simply answered get over it if you wanna know where I am just text me I am not gonna check in with you. So at this point that makes me feel I shouldn't trust him and I should stop being so nice to him and should start thinking about leaving him.

The problem is that I am in love with him and I don't feel ready to call it quits but he is really pushing me away big time and is getting tiring and today I'm just depressed and very sad because I think is too soon to have this kind of issues.

Any thoughts would be great,y appreciated!

Thank you!

-Jamir

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Jamir,

Welcome to Gayspeak. You will note a 50 post limit for a lot of the extras here, I would suggest using the Word Games forum to post your post points.


As to your issues.

In my mind, porn is OK in a relationship as long as both couples agree and that the porn stars are not taking place of your partner. This doesn't appear to be happening here, it appears Jim is replacing you with a porn star (or many). This will feel like cheating, thus in a way it is.

I have no idea if you two discussed where porn fits or doesn't fit in your relationship. It would appear you feel his behavior with porn is more like cheating than having fun.

Second, relationships work best when both sides are willing and able to compromise and reach for a midway point on things. Unless you are in a 24/7 Master Slave relationship where both parties agree that the slave gives their all to meet their Master's needs without the Master compromising, then no compromise on your partner's behalf is harmful to the relationship.

Understand, that even in a 24/7 Master Slave relationship there is healthy compromise. Why? Because they discuss every aspect of this relationship and consent to every detail. Even in those where the Master is in total control, he is 'hard wired' to understand that his slave has needs and strives to meet those.

It appears in your relationship there is little discussion (communication) and little consent (on your side of this at least).

His giving an ultimatum is immature, selfish and a lot of other not so nice things. It tells me that this relationship is bordering on abusive, emotional/mental abuse may actually be taking place.

Clearly his respect of your needs is lacking. Clearly he places self before 'us' and you are putting 'us' before yourself...

There is a singular dangerous lack of communication here and clearly if he is handing out ultimatums he is either unable to unwilling to have a healthy relationship of communication and compromise.

I won't tell you to leave or stay, but you need to sit there and figure out if you can get him to communicate and get him to agree and work on compromise.

If not, can you continue to live that way?

Looking at your profile I see you have your 'role in bed' as "More Passive but Versatile".

Is it possible that you are more passive in all areas of your life? (nothing to be ashamed about there) If so, you most likely are the type of person to allow a lot from your partner thinking that its your 'job' to accept this crap when in all honesty its his job to be a real dominate; which means he takes into account that you need him to be stronger and look out for you and your needs. He is failing in that area, big time.

I think that your attraction to older men means you are actually looking for a dominate individual who will 'take over' and 'control' a lot more than what happens in bed, and thus far your luck at finding a reasonable man who is up to the challenge has been less than successful.

It is my understanding that there are those types of dominate men in the world who take their position in the relationship seriously and actually take pleasure from watching out for the needs of their partner.

If you are honest about your needs in a relationship and can face the music that you are indeed passive in more areas than just the bed, then you need to take that into account.

No doubt you do love Jim, but I do not think he understands his role here nor the responsibility you expect of him. He may be unable (not unwilling, just doesn't know how or isn't able) to give you what you want.

I strongly suggest trying communication, I also suggest you do a fearless soul searching about what it is you require from a relationship and how dominate/passive you are in one. Not just role in bed, but role in every aspect.

I also would suggest you try living alone for a year should you end this with Jim. A year to actually work on figuring out who 'Jamir' is.

[Nick9]

Hi Jamir,

I am sorry to say that but I don't see that your partner shows any respect to you. And after everything you said I am not sure if he wants to change. He takes, doesn't give. There needs to be a balance or agreement as Bowyn mentioned.

[tamarIsReady]

Hello everyone!

Hope you are having a good week start!

I would love to get some insightful advice on this particular matter from anyone who would like to help. I'll make sure to make it as brief as I can.

I have been in a monogamous relationship for exactly a year now. But recently I have been having a lot of things that have me develop anxiety, stress and plain sadness. The issues I have at hand are not easy to handle but definitely something that has a solution. I have common sense ofcourse but here the story...

When I first met my actual bf I was coming out of a relationship with a man that was almost double my age. I'm 29 yo now. I lasted with this older man (I'll him Bob). Bob and I lasted 5 1/2 years. We hardly ever fought. The problem with him was that even though he was very attentive and thoughtful...he would hire escorts every time he would go out on business trips. Yeah i know you must be like how did you find that out? Well long story to make short I realized few things on our finances and excuses that raised flags and so I hired a spying company that would retrieve any text message, call and emails he would make and receive. So with that being said I monitored him for about 2 years. I know why wait so long? Well I was happy with him but all had a limit. So I broke up with him and he was devastated at first it the very same day I left him he hire an escort over our place ( the bed wasn't even cold to say the least!) however that's not the nature of my issue...

My issue is with my current bf (Jim). So Jim and I met in January of last year right after my breakup with Bob. When I met him...Believe me!... I never wanted to be back in a relationship this soon! However after a few dates, him and I clicked in such a way...that we both were elated of have found each other in such circumstances. Because we both were lonely and felt awesome to date someone our own age! (I have always dated guys 2-3 years older than me. Bob was the oldest I have ever dated). So I moved with Jim.

So due to nature of my job I had to go to NYC for 2 weeks. That happened in the begining of march of 2012. During my stay in the big apple Jim and i would talk for extended periods of time on the phone everyday it was like a love movie all was great! 1week before I was back home from NYC, Jim called me and told me he loved me. And when I heard that I felt truly happy because I felt the same way! (Not my first time dating, so I knew it was too soon to feel that way but despite that I let my guard down, it just felt right). While I was in NYC I never thought on anyone but him. I had deleted all my dating apps and online site accounts as well. I also told all my fwb I was seeing someone special but if that didn't work out I would contact them back. Now is when things get better...

3 days before been back home I called Jim at night as usual and he seemed to be in a rush to hang up. As if I called at the wrong time for him because our talk was very much brief and rushed to be hanged up. If I was naive I would have thought he either was in the shower but what came to mind right away was that he had someone of his fwb over and didn't tell me about it. At that point I felt sick and had a nod in my stomach but since I dint want to sound insecure or not trusting I swept it under the rug and waited til I was back home to ask Jim personally what happened that night.

Once back, all was great and I was so happy to see him and so was he. We grabbed dinner and after that he asked me (besides the trip and all I did in NYC) "did you hook up with anyone?" I immediately said "No I didn't , we said we wouldn't so I kept my word" he then said well from today we start clean then. So that to me confirmed my suspicion of what happened that one night I called him. So I figured since we never spoke about been committed before. And since we were establishing that I thought to let that go and just move on. He also asked me to pay half of the rent for the apt so that seemed logical and fair to me. .

Then over the summer we had a blast. No issues no problems worth mentioning. But right when August hit he started saying that he needed space because he wasn't used to be around someone 24/7. That was odd to me because if anything I was so happy to share moments with him on a regular basis. So that right there made feel bad. But I wanted to be the bigger person and try to understand him. Sure no relationship is healthy if you don't have time to miss each other. But I work from home so where am I gonna go? He doesn't have a job and hasn't have one since 2007. He actually has a "sponsor" that gives him an allowance to cover all his expenses. I knew about him since we met but since the "sponsor" lives abroad I didn't really care that much. At least he had an income. I know how that sounds but that's my reality.

Lately it has been a struggle because 1 week ago he gave an ultimatum that if I didn't give him time alone he wasn't gonna be responsible for whatever happened between us. So I asked what do you mean? Are you gonna cheat on me? He was like "no but we definitely break up, this is getting old" go out and do something go for a walk make friends do something! he said... I felt so hurt and before we use to share a fitness club membership so I could save up on that. But after what he said I figured to get my own membership and that way he would get his so wanted time alone. I'm honestly in love with him, he has great qualities so I am not trying to demonize him but i think i have gone out of my way in many things to be a good boyfriend and he doesnt seem to commit to anything thatnmatters to me or i have an issue with. He is very immature when it comes down to talk about feelings and issues. it all always ends in an argument. I asked him to get a job but since his sponsor has been in town he wants to be available for him so he said he would look for one once his sponsor leaves town.

Now another issue is about been intimate he rarely wants to have sex with me because he says even when you have a favorite pair of shoes sometime you gotta let them rest. But I have been able to confirm that he takes care of his "business" watching porn on his iPhone 2-3 times daily so no wonder why he doesn't want to be intimate with me. I had asked him to tell me either he is done doing that or before it. So I can take care of my own business. As I rather to save me for him. To which he said was ridiculous to ask him that... I just don't see why is so embarrassing to talk about that we both do it and both are guys. So why to be embarrassed about it. I just don't get it.

Another issue is that I had asked him to tell me where he goes because I have an issue not knowing where he is at. to which he simply answered get over it if you wanna know where I am just text me I am not gonna check in with you. So at this point that makes me feel I shouldn't trust him and I should stop being so nice to him and should start thinking about leaving him.

The problem is that I am in love with him and I don't feel ready to call it quits but he is really pushing me away big time and is getting tiring and today I'm just depressed and very sad because I think is too soon to have this kind of issues.

Any thoughts would be great,y appreciated!

Thank you!

-Jamir

If he is pushing you away, then it is clear as the sun that his love for you is shallow. The truth hurts man. Not everything is as sugar-coated as Disney movies.

Sometimes, you just have to let go. Sadness is inevitable but being miserable is a choice. Remember that man.

I had multiple relationships in the past that I wasn't exactly proud of. But the important thing is, I learned to let go when I should let go. Life is short man, go meet other people... Socialize. Peace man!

[pellaz]

welcome to gs

he has a decision to make; dump the "sponsor" and re-start his life. You can tell him you are willing to support his effort to look for employment, times are difficult right now, but you need proof he is looking for a job. Is he employable, drug or criminal record?

I really think things are out on a limb for you two right now and you might have to accept the loss in you life. A talk along the above lines has to happen but just dont see it even being possible because clearly he wants you gone. Sorry.

Curious; why is he so jonesing to loose his boy friend? Loving ones are difficult to find.

[tamarIsReady]

If I was your boyfriend, I wont make you feel that way. Being put aside is one of the worst feelings a man could ever feel.

[Beaux]

There are a number of things in your post that leave a "red flag" feeling for me. However, before I express any opinion one way or another, I think it is important that you clarify something: what does your boyfriend do that he has a "sponsor"?